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A couple weeks back, Ivanka Trump sat for an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine and LOL it did not go well for her. This story is nothing like that. Instead, it is about Ivanka's gal pal Chelsea Clinton, who has the benefit of having a parent running for president who DOESN'T suck a giant pickle jar full of monkey dicks. Take that, Ivanka!

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/607001/donald-trump-and-rudy-giuliani-playing-adulterous-slut-card-against-hillary-clinton-really"></a>[/wonkbar]Cosmo interviewed Chelsea, and among other things they talked about Donald Trump's comment that he would have won the debate so good, but his sense of morality and decency ... [pause for giggling] ... wouldn't allow him to say naughty stuff about how Bill Clinton did blue dress stains to this one lady's blue dress back in the 1990s, because Chelsea was in the room. Well, Chelsea has one response to that, and it is BRING IT, PENCIL-DICK. Gonna throw you her full answer, because it's worth it:

Well, my reaction to that is just what my reaction has been kind of every time Trump has gone after my mom or my family, which is that it’s a distraction from his inability to talk about what’s actually at stake in this election and to offer concrete, comprehensive proposals about the economy, or our public school system, or debt-free college, or keeping our country safe and Americans safe here at home and around the world.

And candidly, I don’t remember a time in my life when my parents and my family weren’t being attacked, and so it just sort of seems to be in that tradition, unfortunately. And what I find most troubling by far are Trump’s — and we talked about this when you interviewed me the night before the Iowa caucus — are Trump’s continued, relentless attacks on whole swaths of our country and even our global community: women, Muslims, Americans with disabilities, a Gold Star family. I mean, that, to me, is far more troubling than whatever his most recent screed against my mom or my family [is].

Shorter Chelsea Clinton: Too bad Trump's too stupid to talk about real things, our family business is our family business, and also fuck him sideways with a sharp piece of driftwood. Chelsea Clinton later said that her sense of morality and decency wouldn't allow her to bring up what a nasty adulterous slut-puppy her friend Ivanka's dad is, HAHAHA just kidding, that is a Wonkette joke, but it's true.

Elsewhere in the interview, Cosmo asked why Chelsea's shifty mother Hillary didn't reveal her pneumonia to the universe, and instead decided to hide it like a state secret on a private email server. Turns out Hillz didn't tell Chelsea about her pneumonia either! What ELSE is Hillz lying to Chelsea about, HMMMMMMM?

Actually, though, this will sound very familiar to you if you've ever been a young-to-middle-aged grown-ass adult with aging parents:

I think she just expected she would power through it as she has always powered through everything. As her daughter, I wish she would have listened to her doctor and taken a couple days off when her doctor told her she needed to get some rest, and I’m grateful she did finally listen to her doctor and she took a couple days off.

How many of us have had the "GO THE FUCK TO THE DOCTOR, MOM" conversation? The answer is "MANY OF US, KATIE."

The rest of the interview is about how to get dingus millennials to show up and vote, both in general and specifically for Chelsea's mom Hillary, and her message is REGISTER TO VOTE, no matter who you like, and also you should like her mom because your mom "Jill Stein" and your dad "Gary Johnson" suck, OKTHXBYE. She says it WAY nicer than that, and if you know somebody thinking of voting third party or whatever, send them Chelsea's very nice interview!

When it was over, we assume Chelsea Clinton got up, thanked Cosmo for the opportunity to share her thoughts, and walked away at a normal pace, unlike her dumb friend Ivanka, who was so rude OMG WTF WAS HER PROBLEM?

[Cosmopolitan]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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