OK, so: President Bannon, fascist dictatorship, Constitutional crisis, WTF did he just tweet? Pissed off allies, Putin puppet, marriage equality LOL, RESISTANCE! PROTESTS! *Yawn*

Typical week under the Trump regime, right? And the Real Writers here at Wonkette have already covered it in enough depth to have us all tearing our hair out, haven't they?

Do you really want me doing it, also too, with FAR worser grammer and speeling? No? No! We all know my role in the Wonkette universe: I'm not here to do the serious stuff, I'm here to make you go SQUEEEEEEE!!! over foods. And I have got something "Squee"-worthy for y'all today!

This may be a perfect recipe. Enough ingredients, which most of us have in our cupboards, to be interesting, but not enough to be intimidating. Techniques a 6th grader can master. Short cooking time. And results worthy of a formal dinner with awe inspiring guests. Seriously. Michelle & Barry will give you a rave review. Flavorful, tender, juicy chicken, with an awesomesauce sauce. Today's recipe is:


This . . . looks much better in person.

Make it. MAKE IT NOW!

Drunkage: Minimal. You can make this stumbledrunk, but you won't be able to appreciate it.

Difficulty level: Are you smarter than a 5th grader?

Time: 10 minutes prep, 50 minutes working. 1 hour total

Serves 4 - 6.


Ingredientses. Some of them, anyway!

  • 1⁄4 cup flour
  • 1⁄2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 dash pepper
  • 8 chicken drumsticks or 6 chicken thighs. Bone in, skin on.
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1⁄2 cup red wine
  • 1 (14 1/2 ounce) can tomatoes, diced or crushed
  • 2 tablespoons brown sugar
  • 2 tablespoons vinegar*
  • 2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1 teaspoon chili powder
  • 1 teaspoon dry mustard
  • 1⁄2 teaspoon celery seed
  • 1 garlic clove, minced
  • 3 -5 drops hot pepper sauce


Pure flavor.

  • Combine flour, salt, and pepper.
  • Dust the chicken with the seasoned flour.
  • Melt the butter in a skillet with a lid.
  • Brown the chicken over medium heat on all sides.
  • Remove the chicken from the pan and drain on absorbent paper.
  • Deglaze the pan with the red wine. Reduce by half.
  • Combine the tomatoes, brown sugar, vinegar, Worchestershire sauce, tsp salt, chili powder, mustard, celery seed, garlic and hot sauce (say that 3 times fast!) in the same pan: bring to a boil.
  • Reduce the heat and return the chicken to the pan.
  • Cover and simmer about 45 minutes, turning two or three times.
  • Gently place on plates.
  • Lovingly spoon the tomato sauce, liberally, over the chicken.

This is a grown-up meal, so treat it respectfully. Maybe have a nice salad with it. A baked potato and maybe some roasted Brussels would work well. And red wine. Yes, red wine. With chicken. HERESY!

And use the dining room for a change, instead of the couch in front of the TV. They'll just be talking about D. Trump, anyway.

* I R dumb, and used Apple Cider vinegar, which worked. Use Balsamic vinegar instead to punch it up another notch or two.

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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