Grumpy Naked Elephant-Sexing Americans Aren't Bitter
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Americans, we know you're bitter! But if you read this site you're probably a member of the chauffeured liberal elite, so I'm guessing you're not really clinging to religion or guns. No, you're doing those hillbillies one better: you're actually clinging desperately to your own bitterness! More good reasons to seethe, after the jump.
As you can see in this rare photo, the elusive American voter is more "grumpy" than "bitter." Also, he is a whimsical dwarf! This voter is grumpy because, as a Fantasy Dwarf-American, he spends his days toiling in a diamond mine and his nights living in a forest shack. Thus, he has no photo ID, and can't cast his vote in the Indiana primary. Prepare for thousands of cartoon little people to surround the statehouse chanting "No justice, no peace" in their adorable, squeaky little voices, Indianapolis!
But don't worry, dwarfy! By the time the primary actually rolls around, there won't be anyone left for you to vote for, what with Hillary and Obama trying to savagely murder each other like something out of the vilest European horror movie! Remember, a pile of mangled flesh ground into mush by the monstrous gears of some enormous meat processor can't be president, according to the Constitution. But Chef John McCain knows that it makes good eatin'!
Speaking of John McCain, scientists have finally figured out what the hell is wrong with him. Turns out he's got that damned "Elephant Man" disease! Now that we know that he's stricken by an affliction beyond his control, America loves him and will make him president despite the fact that he's a hateful angry deranged old man who will start a million wars and make the Mexicans our kings.
Unfortunately, so much of McCain's brain is dedicated to hate and Mexicans that he's unable to handle things like "metaphors." Just because you have "Elephant Man" disease doesn't mean that you are actually an elephant, John! We beg you, don't participate in this twisted elephant orgy! It will end in tears and massive internal hemorrhaging.
But there's more going on than just the election. For instance, did you know that we're all going to get free money from the gummint this month? It's George W. Bush's sad attempt to get somebody, anybody to like him again, but like all of his bright ideas, it's blowing up in his face: his core supporters, evangelical Christians, are outraged to discover that nudists are also eligible for the refund.
Meanwhile, various politicians are trying to get into the
pants flowing hippie skirts of Mother Earth, because they are horny old men, and she is a sexy, sexy abstract concept. Like, uncomfortable-making sexy. Like, "Oh, I have drawn the perfect woman, why can't I live with her in the magical nature kingdom I have created and make love to her like in the movie Cool World" sexy.