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Guest Post From A U.S. Marine About Barack Obama's Shocking And Disgusting Use Of An Umbrella

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Yesterday we learned ofone more reason to impeach the Kenyan impostor: as he was giving his press conference with the Turkish whoever, it began to rain, and he summoned two United States Marines over to hold umbrellas over himself and his Very Important Guest. Commentors at the Free Republic howled that PBO was trying to "humiliate" the Marine Corps by "demeaning them" and "demoralizing them." They were very mad! Then one M. Joseph Sheppard, to whom apparently we have not been paying enough attention, tried to explain: we were wrong to simply point out other presidents having umbrellas held for them. The shocking scandal was that Barack Nobumer had made Marines disregard their own code, by holding umbrellas. He cited some uniform regulations, as if a Marine performing a service for his Commander-in-Chief were the same as a Marine delicately shielding himself from the elements while humping up a mountain or to keep his hair dry while doing drillsies.


In short, M. Joseph Sheppard is A Idiot. (And so, apparently, is the rightwing shitrag Daily Mail, which also thinks Obama made Marines "break the rules," because they are A Idiot, and also because the piece was wrote by former Daily Caller shitragger-in-chief David Martosko, most recently seen asking why Joe Biden loves child rapists.)

Nonetheless, we called our older brother, Eric Steinberg, to ask if there could possibly be anything to the nonsense M. Joseph Sheppard and the entire Internet was vomiting all over the place, before it could get on our shoes.

He started yelling. A lot. "I GUARANTEE YOU!" he yelled, "IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF GIVES YOU A LAWFUL ORDER YOU FOLLOW THE MOTHERFUCKING LAWFUL ORDER. IF THE COMMANDER IN CHIEF WANTS AN UMBRELLA YOU BETTER BELIEVE A WHOLE FUCKING GRIP OF JARHEARDS ARE GONNA BE HIGH-STEPPING TO BRING HIM A MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!"

And then he warmed up. "IN FACT! THE REAL FUCKING SCANDAL IS THAT THE CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF WASN'T THE ONE HOLDING IT. 'YOU! CHAIRMAN OF THE JOINT CHIEFS! HOLD MY MOTHERFUCKING UMBRELLA!'"

Then he decided to calm down, and write his words, with a lot of violent ideation that would get him banned five times over for disregarding the Rules for Commenting Radicals. Do not try this at home (or in the comments).

A Reply to M. Joseph Sheppard by Eric Steinberg, once and always USMC

Shut your cockholster, you civilian sack of shit.

It has come to my attention that there is a dickwad committing fuckery out there, a certain “M. Joseph Sheppard” (R- FauxBrigade) who styles himself an authority on, well, anything at all, but most gallingly on the subject of Marine Corps Uniform Regulations. This subhuman motile turd has the effrontery to misquote the regulations of my beloved Corps, an offense that shall not go unpunished; indeed, the crimes of this cancerous, corrupt lesion against Nature, Man, and USMC are so grave that they may require the most extreme sanction*, if only to insure that the asscunt/charlatan in question will never again pronounce the word “Marine,” nor scrawl it with his soon-to-be-shattered hand**. Even now a tribunal is being assembled, to be followed by a posse and then a lynch mob***. And then the Dead Hooker Disposal Unit****.

This will not stand! I, for one, will not sit idly by whilst that venereal skinflap, “Sheppard,” besmirches the glory of the United States Marine Corps with his outright lies, and his continued existence. God, and The Corps, fashioned my brother Marines and me into weapons; hammered the weakness out of us; and sharpened our fighting spirits for the very purpose of beating the Holy Living Fuck out of puke-scented twats like this “Sheppard,” and that is what we shall do. The ghost of Chesty Puller has spoken to me, and I have communed with the spirit of Smedley Darlington Butler, and they both told me to crack this dumb motherfuckers’ skull, right after I rip off his stupid fucking baseball cap and fistfuck him with it*****. Who am I to argue with a direct lawful order? So stand the fuck by, Mr. Shitstain Umbrella Fucker -- this here jarhead is about to administer some corrective action.

Echo Three Sierra OUT.

Oh yeah -- Semper Fi.

Well, he seems nice. Oh right, we know him, AND HE IS NOT!!!

We believe that the takeaway here may be that M. Joseph Sheppard has, at best, misapplied his knowledge of Marine Corps regulations. In fact, we looked it up, and the notation for "Umbrellas, use of" actually does state: "if the Commander in Chief gives you a lawful order you follow the motherfucking lawful order."

Anyway, the Obama administration seems to have done some actual things wrong lately, but if "made Marines hold an umbrella" is what the hordes want to spend their pixels on, who are we to argue, when we have Marine brothers who can do that for us?

*Nope.

**Not that either.

***What the fuck, dude?

****That's fine.

*****This one's okay too, because "hyperbole."

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Cripes the News has been awful lately! And so Yr Editrix suggested we find some good, positive news. Especially after we pitched writing a Wonket about this Mother Jones story on how global warming may be killing the whales, even though Donald Trump knows their prince. (Reply: "Nope. FOR SURE NOT THAT.") And so, as a reminder that a gooder world is possible and apropos of nothing at all that definitely didn't set your Editrix off on Twitter, where she has been stewing and bitching most shrillfully about the 2016 election and the 2020 election and any terrible similarities thereof and thereupon and therefore and thereto, we present a collection of videos of Elizabeth Warren yelling at big banks and calling for them to be broken up and their criminal operators to go to jail. Puppies and kittens will only get you so far, after all.

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