Gun Fun Roundup, American Exceptionalism Edition
Greetings from Wonkette's brand new Bunker O' Love, the underground safe room on our Idaho compound where we go to write about guns, gun accessories, and how they have made America great. Today, we have several tales of Great Americans using their guns for personal protection while keeping them in reserve to rise up against the oppressive Federal Government Tyranny that is right around the corner. Let's see what America's responsible gun owners are up to this week!
In rural Walker County, Georgia, Joe Hendrix, a brave gentleman from Ooltewah, Tennessee* protected the home of his fiancée from a home invasion at about four in the morning the day before Thanksgiving. Someone had rung the doorbell of the house and rattled the doorknob, prompting Hendrix's fiancée to call 911, but after about ten minutes, deputies still hadn't arrived. Our hero, possibly aware of the gun-fondler mantra "when seconds count, the police are just minutes away," decided it was time to Get Serious, and went outside with his .40-caliber handgun, where he confronted a shadowy figure in backyard. Hendrix told the intruder to halt, and when the figure, clearly an out-of-control thug bent on murder, continued to come forward, Hendirx fired four shots, bringing down the crazed potential murderer or rapist or burglar.
Who turned out to be Ronald Westbrook, a 72-year-old man with Alzheimers, who had wandered away from his home and walked through the night for four hours without a jacket. His disease rendered him slow to talk, which he should have considered before trying to ask for help or break in or whatever. The Chattanooga Times-Free Press reports,
When Westbrook was shot, he was clutching letters he had taken from a mailbox on Marbletop Road, where he had lived previously, the sheriff said.
So far, authorities have not filed any charges against Hendrix, although they are not ruling out the possibility. Sheriff Steve Wilson said that Hendrix may be covered by the state's "stand-your-ground" law, which allows the use of deadly force if you're ascared of anydamnthing. Wilson added,
"In my personal opinion, I believe that he should have stayed inside the house," Wilson said. "Did he violate any laws by exiting the house? No."
"Mr. Hendrix is clearly saddened and heartbroken," the sheriff said. "Mr. Hendrix has to live with his actions for the rest of his life."
Don't see why -- any review of the Rules of Engagement would call it a clean kill, if rather unfortunate for the guy with Alzheimers, and any attempt to change the "stand your ground" law would be a lot like rape. You can't go limiting the second amendment just to protect senile old people, now can you? They can buy their own guns.
Our next inspiring tale of a freedom-loving responsible gun owner responsibly protecting their home and family comes from Birmingham, Alabama, where Adrian Briskey, 28, a woman at a viewing party for the big Alabama-Auburn sportsball game, shot and killed a fellow party-goer, Michelle Shepherd, 36, after Shepherd's post-game speech and conduct indicated to Briskey that Shepherd was insufficiently devastated by Alabama's last-second loss to Auburn, and therefore not a true Alabama fan. Shepherd's sister, Nekesa Shepherd, said that Briskey
flew into a rage when she saw the sisters and others joking that the Crimson Tide’s loss wasn’t as bad as if the NBA’s Miami Heat had lost a game.
“She said we weren’t real Alabama fans because it didn’t bother us that they lost. And then she started shooting,” Shepherd told The Associated Press.
It's going to be a real challenge for Briskey to say she was standing her ground or defending herself, but we suppose that a temporary insanity defense might fly, since this was all about f'ball. In any case, both the shooter and the victim, a mother of three, are black, which means that this is a case of Urban Thugs killing each other, not a case involving a responsible gun owner. Let's just move on, shall we? Roll Tide!
Finally, we bring you an amusing story of exotic foreigners and their quaint foreign ways, which cannot be understood by sensible Americans: In Iceland Monday, police responded to reports that a responsible 59-year-old gun owner was responsibly firing his shotgun inside his suburban Reykjavik apartment; they attempted to subdue him by firing tear gas; when the man refused to surrender, the cops went in, and he defended himself by shooting at them, injuring two. The police returned fire, killing the man -- the first time in Icelandic history that police have shot and killed a criminal suspect.
And then, to the astonishment of Americans who view approximately seventy-three million fictional murders on TV daily, plus any number of actual reports of real shootings, the police apologized to the man's family. The police spokesman didn't even refer to the shooter as "a particular individual" or anything.
Weird, huh? Then again, they came up with Bjork, so there's no telling what kind of wacky thinking is going on in their twee little Scandinavian minds.
* Not really relevant; just wanted to say "Ooltewah." Ooltewah, Ooltewah, Ooltewah.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.