Gun-Lovin' Texas Heroes Will Show Everybody How Fun Mass Shootings Really Are

It's always nice to use this picture.

If you're a paste-chomping weirdo, you've been watching the news and thinking, "Wow, another mass shooting. When do I get to be involved in something like that?" A group of gun-fondling Texans who truly believe all citizens should be required to wave their guns around in the air at all times has decided to put on a little fun times mass shooting demonstration near the University of Texas-Austin, so everybody can get in on the action:

The Open Carry Walk and Crisis Performance Event will involve actors “shot” by perpetrators armed with cardboard weapons, said Matthew Short, a spokesman for the gun rights groups Come and Take It Texas and

“It’s a fake mass shooting, and we’ll use fake blood,” he said. He said gun noises will be blared from bullhorns. Other people will then play the role of rescuers, also armed with cardboard weapons.

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Oh how exciting! And maybe people can Fake Die and go to Fake Heaven and look down on humanity as Fake Fox News blames it on Fake Muslims, even though according to Fake Statistics, Americans are far more likely to be gunned down by Fake Rightwing Christian Terrorists.

The group is doing this partially because they have a lot of free time, due to how they have even less sex than Civil War re-enactors. (Allegedly, but probably.) But they're also hella excited about a new Texas law that says that, as of next August, it's totally OK to bring your penis gun on campus if that makes you feel like a real man. Spokesman Matthew Short, asked if he was worried his demonstration might be perceived as tacky as fuck by normal sentient human beings without Little Man Syndrome, yapped pro-gun talking points like the flaccid NRA puppet he seems to be:

Asked if he was worried the demonstration, which will be preceded by a walk through Austin with loaded weapons might appear in bad taste following the mass shootings in San Bernardino and Paris, Short said: “Not at all. People were able to be murdered people because no one was armed.”

While it's surely possible that an armed Good Guy could thwart a surprise attack from an armed Bad Guy, chances are much higher during the hysteria of a mass shooting that a bunch of armed Bubbas wouldn't have any idea where the shooting actually started, and instead would just shoot at each other's dicks until either everyone ran out of ammo, or everyone was dickless and dead, whichever comes first. For anybody out there who likes to read things (obviously not gun-humpers), here is a good hypothetical narrative that explains just how insane this idea of people dying "because no one was armed" is.

The open carry weenuses are, of course, not welcome on the University of Texas campus, according to UT spokesperson J.B. Bird:

“The property or buildings owned or controlled by UT Austin are not, however, open to outside groups for assembly, speech, or other activities, including theatrical performances, as are the public streets, sidewalks, and parks. Only the university itself, faculty, staff and student groups may engage in such activities on campus. This applies equally to an outside protest group, an outside theater troupe, or any outside group wishing to use the facilities or grounds of the university.”

Well, aw shucks. What a bunch of losers, having to do their badass fake mass shooting off campus where nobody will even be around to see everybody get fake killed. Maybe one of those "outside theater troupes" (MIMES!) will keep them company.

[Austin American-Statesman viaAddicting Info]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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