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Guns Don't Kill People, But Farts Might

Yes, I'm juvenileWilliam Hoover might've had some Taco Bell or something for dinner before he stopped by the Wheeler's Beverage Store in Southport, New York on Sunday night, but who's to say, really. Witnesses, however, report that whatever Billy-boy ate left an impression on them (and possibly a stain on his pants). Unable to cope with the humiliation of everyone knowing that he farted, he went outside to his car and retrieved his semi-automatic rifle to eliminate all the witnesses. He's in jail, but, when he gets out, Wonkette has some advice: if you squeeze your ass cheeks together really hard, you can truly stave off a fart. Also, um, calling Mike Mukasey? There's at least one more dude to add to that list of crazy people who shouldn't have guns. Thanks! [WETMTV.com]

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Times have been tough for those Trump supporters who are fine with his rampant bigotry but are discovering he's going to screw them like any number of non-wife-like women he totally swears he's never met.

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Jesse Kelly, the failed Arizona congressional candidate who thought he could take Gabby Giffords's former seat with a combination of word salad and support from white supremacists, has landed himself a sweet gig in the wingnuttosphere, where he writes columns for "The Federalist" and recently started a very dumb Youtube channel. This week, his very creative mind brings us a fantasia on America's inevitable slide into socialism, and a vow that unlike lots of sheeple, he won't go down without taking some liberal scalps. He insists he means that metaphorically, which is why he begins by a detailed description of taking a human scalp:

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