Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw Thinks Guns, Like Hugs And Chlamydia, Are Better When You Share

Crenshaw's audition for GOP's Next Top Trump continues.

Conservatives like to remind us how great guns are for women -- far better than controlling their own bodies. We confess the only time we ever thought guns were cool was when young SER discovered Emma Peel on "The Avengers." During the fifth season's opening credits, Mrs. Peel used a gun to open a champagne bottle, which is incredibly reckless but very cool. She also literally combed her hair with a gun, which is flat-out crazy but sexy AF.

The Avengers Series 5 Opening Titles and Closing Credits

Gun advocates promote the myth of guns as the great equalizer for women. They leap on any story about a woman fending off muggers or home invaders with her .45. This is supposed to distract us from the exponentially greater examples of guns maiming and killing women who own guns.

In the aftermath of his state's now biweekly mass shootings, Texas Rep. Dan Crenshaw shared a story on Twitter about a Houston woman who shot some asshole. Lachelle Hudgins was parked outside her house when two men tried to rob her.

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Meghan McCain Wants Her Guns And She Wants Them NOOOW

Shut the fuck up Megs McCabe.

We understand loving something so much the thought of losing it drives you to violence. You should've seen us when they cancelled Desperate Housewives. Sensible people living in a society, however, might willingly sacrifice the thing they love if it would save even one life. Guns kill about 100 Americans daily, but Meghan McCain isn't interested in your gun-free dystopia. Yesterday, "The View" host set us commies straight on how beloved liberty-making assault weapons actually are.

MCCAIN: The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America.

McCain shares this factoid like she's "proud of that shit." Women's bodies are also popular, especially those under 40. Entire industries are devoted to women's bodies. That doesn't stop Republicans from trying to regulate the hell out of them. McCain herself is one of the Republicans who likes to get in a tizzy over imaginary infanticide. She once screamed on live TV about "punishing" doctors who perform a medical procedure she doesn't understand. She even accused her cohost Sunny Hostin of thinking "a baby born from a botched abortion should be put down like a dog or a cat."

Actual, non-rhetorical children have died or were orphaned in recent mass shootings. But the AR-15 is popular. It's the "Friends" of guns if you want all your friends to die horribly. McCain's little stat is misleading: Only 30 percent of Americans are gun owners, and the other 70 percent are afraid for our lives. Guns are a particular fetish for white conservative men who all think they see John Wayne in the mirror. But the Duchess of Arizona is here to warn us about what might happen if the vast majority of Americans impose their will on the gun-humping minority.

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Walmart Takes Away Walmart Shoppers' Guns!

By asking them to please not open carry. SAME THING.

Following the horrific massacre at a Walmart in El Paso last month, plus a spate of threats from gunhumpers who wanted to shoot up Walmarts themselves, the Walmart company announced today it would stop selling ammunition in calibers used for handguns and for rifles like the AR-15 and AK-47 (and their knockoffs). What's more, the retailer said it would ask shoppers to no longer openly carry firearms in its stores, even in states with open carry laws.

We haven't looked extensively at Twitter, but we'll assume it's full of messages from wits explaining Walmart won't have to tell them to leave their guns home, because they're now BOYCOTTING this intolerable assault on liberty. Like this one dude with seven followers:

That's pretty good: Walmart only understands the "power of an uneducated mob rule populous," so I'm going to make you listen with a mass boycott. My uneducated mob will REALLY make the point.

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Texas Gunman Failed Background Check, Ipso Facto MOAR GUNZ NOW

Laws against shooting people don't work either, so might as well get rid of those too.

Officials said Monday that the gunman who killed seven people and injured 25 in a Texas highway shooting rampage Saturday had previously been stopped from purchasing a gun because he failed a federal instant background check. No details were given on why he had failed that background check, or how he obtained the AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle he used in the mass shooting. We're going to go way out on a limb and guess maybe he bought it in a private sale, which in Texas is not subject to background checks, because Texas believes in freedom.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott tweeted Monday that something must be done to keep guns out of the hands of violent bad guys!

Just as long as the something we do doesn't include strengthening background checks or extending them to cover private gun transfers, because either of those measures would inconvenience Responsible Gun Owners. Besides, even if we expanded background checks, this guy was a criminal who got a gun anyway, so background checks can never work, QED.

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F*ckin' Right Beto's Coming For Your F*ckin' Guns

Another weekend, another mass shooting in Texas.

Conservative gun humpers are freaking out because Beto O'Rourke is not content with Americans routinely dying from gun violence in the name of "liberty." After a shooting spree this weekend in West Texas left seven people dead and dozens more injured, O'Rourke refused to offer trite "thoughts and prayers" like your average, useless NRA-owned Republican.

O'ROURKE: Not sure how many gunmen, not sure how many people have been shot. Don't know how many people have been killed, the condition of those who have survived. Don't know what the motivation is, do not yet know the firearms that were used, or how they acquired them. But we do know that this is fucked up.

Look at Beto dropping an R-rated protest song on our asses! And although no woman candidate could ever get away with such bluntness, he's 100 percent correct: This is fucked up. How else do you describe two mass shootings in the same state in the same month? Imagine Texas was a separate country: Suburban helicopter parents wouldn't let their teenage kids make bad decisions there during spring break. A 17-month-old child was shot in the goddamn face! If Marvin Gaye was alive, he wouldn't bother with "What's Going On," he'd go straight to "This Is Fucked Up, Y'all."

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Florida Teacher 'Jokes' About Blowing Up School, Wait, Why Isn't Everybody Laughing?

Did we mention this was during a lockdown drill? It was during a lockdown drill.

A math teacher at Lakeland Senior High School in Florida is on administrative leave after he explained to his class how he could rack up a "1,000 person body count" if he were ever to decide to do a school shooting, because he's a guy who thinks through all the details. Why, yes, he did outline his excellent ideas while the school was holding a lockdown drill on August 16. You have to pass the time somehow.

The teacher, former Marine Keith Cook, told police his comments about being "the best school shooter" were only a "joke," so we don't see why this is even news. Why is everyone so serious all the time?

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Tomi Lahren Debuts Athleisure Line For The Woman Who Wants Yoga Pants That DON'T Hate America

This is a real thing that is happening, I am sorry to say.

Of the many difficulties that conservative Republican women face in America, perhaps purchasing yoga pants and sports bras is the most fraught of all. These days, it is practically impossible to find a pair of leggings without "FUCK AMERICA" or a hammer and sickle emblazoned on them somewhere. But Tomi Lahren is here to save the day with her very own pro-America, pro-Second Amendment athleisure line.

Now, Tomi knows that some people might say she is "controversial" to have an athleisure line, because people are often thinking about who is and is not allowed to have an athleisure line. But she will show them! She will show them all! She made some leggings and she does not care who knows it. AMERICA. FREEDOM. UNATTRACTIVE STRETCH PANTS IN UGLY PATTERNS.

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Cake Or Death? Donald Trump Chooses DEATH, PLEASE!

Surprise, we're not doing gun control!

It was true when he said it. He really did mean to do something about the epidemic of gun deaths after the latest mass shootings in Ohio and Texas when he said, "I think background checks are important. I don't want to put guns into the hands of mentally unstable people or people with rage or hate, sick people. I don't want to — I'm all in favor of it." Just like it was totally true last year after the Parkland shooting in Florida when he promised, "We're going to be very strong on background checks. We're going to be doing very strong background checks."

But then Donald Trump realized it would cost him political support with the NRA. And because he lives in rightwing bubble where he's not hemorrhaging support among suburban woman who are freaking out about their kids getting shot at school, he couldn't risk it. Therefore, it wasn't true anymore. More people will have to die so Donald Trump can avoid pissing off the gun nuts. Sorry, kids!

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Florida NRA Lady Weeps For The Little Tiny Children's Guns

She don't like Mondays.

Marion Hammer, the infamous Florida lobbyist for the National Rifle Association, is the Lorax of guns. She feels for the injustice against the poor guns whenever anyone suggests we should have fewer murders and suicides, because the gun is good, the gun is freedom, the gun is America. She is, to put it mildly, a real piece of work. Hammer -- who's also on the NRA board, which is one of their fun little "self-dealing" imbroglios that may come to bite them in the ass -- was behind most of Florida's gun policy, including the state's "Stand Your Ground" law. Then last year's massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School provoked a backlash, and for the first time limits on ever-expanding gun sales became at least thinkable in Florida, if not yet likely. If you haven't read the New Yorker profile of Hammer, published shortly after Parkland, go correct that gap in your reading.

And now Marion Hammer is sad that some hypothetical little girl will be arrested as a felon and have her precious pink birthday rifle taken from her. As famous Florida man Dave Barry said, I swear I am not making this up.

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NRA Accuses Ex Partner Of Forcing Unwanted Eyeliner On Poor Susan LaPierre

It was a drive-by rouging!

The problem with renting someone else's closet to hold all your skeletons is that you can't always get 'em back when you want 'em. Sometimes your former landlord gets pissed off and decides to pass them bone by humiliating bone to Betsy Woodruff at the Daily Beast, leaving your PR flack to issue a hilarious series of non-denial denials, desperately trying to deflect blame on someone, anyone, hell, maybe the closet itself. Case in point, the NRA, which spent the past 30 years running millions of dollars in clothing, travel, and rental expenses through its media company Ackerman McQueen, and is watching every penny of it appear in blind-sourced items now that the relationship has unraveled.

Here's NRA spokesman Andrew Arulanandam refuting the latest story of expensive hair and makeup artists "plugged in to the country music scene" being flown in for NRA events to glam up NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre's wife by accusing Ackerman of holding Susan LaPierre down and gluing those filthy eyelash extensions on her against her will.

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Internal Memo Tells Republicans To Respond To Far-Right Violence With 'I Know You Are But What Am I?'

So helpful!

Today in Portland, the Proud Boys are holding a rally "To End Domestic Terrorism" and no, they're not planning on disbanding. The violent "Western Chauvinist" street gang says they are rallying to demand that "Antifa" — which is not actually an official organization of any kind — a domestic terrorism threat. The Proud Boys have been known to plan ahead at their rallies, bringing weapons and plotting to start violent incidents they can later blame on Antifa. That is almost definitely what will happen today. Because that's what they do.

There has been a major push on the Right lately to get "Antifa" classified as a terrorist group, not because of anything those associated with the organizing tactic do that would traditionally be classified as "terrorism," but because they so desperately want to be able to play the "both sides!" game. The theory, I am guessing, is that if they can get Antifa classified as a domestic terrorist group, then people won't care when they see statistics about how 73% of all extremism-related murders were classified as coming from the far-right, whereas literally no extremism murders were motivated by a left-wing ideology.

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GOP Fine With Philly Cops Getting Shot, Because Gun Lives Matter

The gun is good! The cop is expendable!

Wednesday in Philadelphia, a man with a long criminal history wounded six police officers during a 7 1/2-hour standoff after they tried to serve a narcotics warrant. During the standoff, two cops were stranded inside the row house where the man lived. Fortunately, none of the cops faced life-threatening injuries. A couple hours after a SWAT team rescued the trapped cops and three others inside the house, the man surrendered when police fired tear gas into the house.

The shooter, Maurice Hill, had a long criminal record -- 12 pages long, including "burglary, aggravated assault, reckless endangerment of another person and gun charges." It's not clear yet how many guns and ammo he had beyond the pistol he was arrested with, USA Today reports:

SWAT officers "preliminarily confirmed" there was a long gun inside the residence, as well, but said the scene has not yet been processed because of the use of tear gas inside the house.

As a felon, Hill shouldn't have had a gun at all, leading the Usual Suspects to insist that gun laws are pointless, because look, here's a dangerous criminal ignoring the law, hurr hurr you stupid liberals. Which ignores one rather significant detail, as Slate's Amanda Marcotte points out: The more legal guns are out there, the easier it is for bad guys to get their hands on weapons -- particularly since defenders of the Holy Second Amendment have done so much to make the transfer of guns from "good guys" to "bad guys" so easy. Whenever it's a choice between guns and measures that would reduce the number of guns in circulation, Republicans care a hell of a lot more about unfettered access to firearms than protecting the Blue Lives (who sometimes matter!).

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Poor Wayne LaPierre, People Won't Stop Dropping French Country Chateaus On His Head!

Sit down for another episode of Real Housewives of the NRA!

In today's episode of Real Housewives of the NRA, we find out that Susan LaPierre and her husband, Wayne, may have been less than entirely candid about their attempt to purchase a hideous fake French country chateau on a golf course outside Dallas. When the Wall Street Journal reported last week that the NRA had wired $70,000 toward the purchase to an account controlled by its longtime media company Ackerman McQueen, both parties were quick to point the finger at the other.

The NRA claimed that Ackerman wanted to purchase the 10,000-square-foot property as an investment for its executives and then rent it to the CEO, but saintly and humble Wayne LaPierre refused to go along with the boondoggle. They failed to explain why Wayne and Susan visited the property twice and sent along a punch list of repairs and items, like the golf cart, they'd like the current owners to convey with the house.

In Ackerman's version, the media company pulled the plug after sussing out that Wayne wasn't really looking for a safehouse to protect him from Shannon Watts and her crew of wine mommy assassins in the wake of the Parkland school shooting last year.

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How Are America's Gun Jerks And Terrorists Keeping Us Safe This Week?

Mostly by getting arrested, so ... yay?

The week since the El Paso and Dayton mass shootings has been awfully busy for America's heavily armed sociopath demographic! There have been a spate of bizarre gun threats involving Walmart, not to mention a bunch of white supremacists who got arrested after threatening mayhem in other locations. Plus the formal charges against the guy who threatened to shoot Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in late July, but who can remember the dim, misty past of three weeks ago?

Then again, every week is a busy one for Americans and their guns, with roughly 100 Americans dying by gunshot daily -- about 60 percent are suicides, about a third are homicides, and then there are accidents and "other" to round out the rest. Small price to pay to ensure we can overthrow the government like Thomas Jefferson wanted! For a nice depressing read, check out this Reuters overview of just a fraction of the gun deaths in the week between the mass shooting in Gilroy, California, and the murder sprees in Texas and Ohio.

On top of the normal background radiation of the 800 Americans dead (give or take, depending on the breaks) in routine shootings since Dayton, we've had a notable round of crazies with guns who were stopped from shooting anyone, at least so far. Let's tally those up, starting with an assload of threats involving Walmart, where low prices and uncertain odds of walking out alive are just the beginning.

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Elizabeth Warren Has A Plan To Make Shopping At Walmart Less Shooty

You'd still be at a Walmart, though.

Over the weekend, 17 of the Democratic presidential candidates spoke at a forum on what to do about guns, held by Everytown for Gun Safety in Des Moines, Iowa. Two of them published plans outlining what they'd do to reduce gun violence. Joe Biden wrote an op-ed for the New York Times calling for a return and update of the Clinton-era ban on semiautomatic assault rifles and high-capacity magazines. Elizabeth Warren, ever the overachiever in the class, offered a far more ambitious plan with the goal of reducing overall gun deaths in America by 80 percent. Gosh, we wish we didn't have to repeat familiar tropes about the 2020 campaign, bur here's Joe Biden looking to revive (yes, and extend) an idea from the past, and Warren offering a much more comprehensive plan that includes a ban on assault rifles as just one component. Where oh where is the media narrative coming from?

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