2020 presidential election

Donald Trump Announces 'Surge' Against US Cities In Operation Infinite Desperation

The fight for effective b-roll continues.

Having finally found a talking point that gets Fox News viewers hard, Donald Trump pledged Wednesday that he would "surge" federal agents to create war-torn areas in American cities like Chicago and Albuquerque. (Why Albuquerque? Who knows! Maybe Bugs Bunny reported a left turn there.) Trump delivered his White House announcement as if he were sending the Marines to evacuate US citizens from embattled foreign lands. Which big American cities are, if their mayors and voters are mostly Democrats.

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White Nonsense

Gun-Toting St. Louis Lawyers Charged With Felony Dick-Being (Also Brandishing)

Missouri gov gonna pardon them so hard

Mark and Patricia McCloskey, the gun-toting couple of St. Louis, Missouri, were charged Monday with unlawful use of a weapon. The couple was seen in viral video brandishing a tiny pistol (hers) and an overcompensating semi-automatic rifle (his) at protesters walking outside their mansion in late June.

Circuit Attorney Kimberly Gardner released this statement yesterday:

It is illegal to wave weapons in a threatening manner at those participating in nonviolent protest, and while we are fortunate this situation did not escalate into deadly force, this type of conduct is unacceptable in St. Louis.

Gardner, who's Black, called the bluff of local asshole Josh Hawley, the Missouri senator who accused her of civil rights violations for pursuing charges against white people. Hawley has threatened to sic Bill Barr's Department of “Justice" on Gardner.

This guy is a real pill and not the fun ones they handed out at New York night clubs in the early '90s. Joel Schwartz, the McCloskeys' actual attorney — one not auditioning for the 2024 GOP primaries — said the charges "are disheartening." That's what you learn when you go to law school: Felony charges aren't a pick-me-up.

From CNN:

"I, along with my clients, support the First Amendment right of every citizen to have their voice and opinion heard," Schwartz said.

"This right, however, must be balanced with the Second Amendment and Missouri law, which entitle each of us to protect our home and family from potential threats," he added.

The McCloskeys can gun hump themselves into sweaty exhaustion, but they can't point guns at people without a valid reason. And their white flight, migrant caravan, French Revolution fears are suitable topics for a therapist but not justification for threatening random people.

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Culture Wars

Gun-Toting St. Louis Lawyers Aren't Regular Gun-Toters, They're Cool Gun-Toters!

They down? They down.

The weirdest thing happened Saturday. A St. Louis, Missouri, couple came out of their mansion waving guns like stout, middle-aged gangsters at protesters walking peacefully — not even pitchforks or torches! — down their fancy-pants Portland Place street, which is private, as in “your kind not welcome."

I admit I'm biased and think anyone holding a gun is stupid, but Mark and Patricia McCloskey looked especially ridiculous.

They were both barefoot, which implies they keep their death machines closer than a pair or slippers or flip-flops. Mark McCloskey was armed with a semi-automatic rifle, the Penis Substitute 9000. Patricia McCloskey was modeling a tiny pistol from the Emma Peel collection, suitable for blowing off champagne corks but equally effective at threatening unarmed pedestrians.

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Cops Behaving Badly

Bill Barr Wonders Why Anyone Even Cares About Cops Killing Black People

Not that he'd ever cherry-pick his stats.

Attorney General William Barr sat down for an interview with National Public Radio that aired Thursday. Most of the headlines focused on his insistence that he's not using the Justice Department to help Donald Trump's friends and hurt his enemies, his continued insistence that "Antifa" is doing terrorism, and his baseless claims that voting by mail would result in massive fraud (it would not). But we were struck by Barr's weirdass answer to a question about police killings of Black people, in which he essentially said it's not really a problem at all, because "Black-on-Black crime" and Blue Lives matter.

Rebecca assigned me to go chase down some rabbit holes on this one, so I did. My conclusions: Bill Barr is dishonest, the primroses are over, Fiver needs anti-anxiety meds, and this damn seagull keeps trying to get me to invest in a musical about Hitler.

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