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Happy Bey-Day, Mike Huckabee's archnemesis!


BREAKING NEWS, GUYS. On this day in (year redacted because TIMELESS, but also 1981), Beyoncé Knowles was bornded, and then she went on "Star Search," and then she did Destiny's Child, and then she broke off on her own and became a BOSS, and now she is the Queen of the Illuminati, THE END!

Except why not, let's remember a couple of the hilarious times Beyoncé has shown up on this mommyblog and recipe hub, usually because some Republican (Mike Huckabee) says she's a whore, or because some Kenyan Mom Jeans Muslim President (Barack Obama) is like "Yeah, me and Bey, we tight, WHAT'S GOOD?"

  • So yeah, remember how Mike Huckabee HATES her? He knows Beyoncé is a hoooooor, and probably a prostitute, and that Barack and Michelle Obama are very bad parents, because they let their daughters listen to her trash music. Even worse, rumor has it the parents listen to her too! This is just so much worse than when Huckabee's friend Josh Duggar plays "Hey Diddle Diddle" with his sisters.
  • Huck later clarified that it's not that he hates her, it's just that "Beyoncé  is such a mega-talent. She can do anything. I mean, she really — she’s got the pipes to sing, she’s got the moves to dance. She doesn’t have to be vulgar in order to set a trend. That’s the point." Why's she gotta ruin all that by pretending to do nakedness time on stage, with her sumptuous curves and her luscious lips and oops, Mike Huckabee's having a hard time standing up right now, due to he just got a Huckaboner.
  • Know who else hates Queen Bey? It is Bill O'Reilly. And why? Because, obviously, the way she trots up there onstage and sings about how she LIKES to do sex with her husband is setting a bad example for America's girls. Bill O'Reilly knows the proper place for a wife is "dragged by her hair down the stairs." Allegedly.
  • Remember that one time a French tabloid had a shocking report about how (Sacrebleu!) Barry Bamz Obama was boning Bey in the bum? It's probably not true, America, stop crying.
  • And of course, rumors like that are only meant to distract from how, instead of flashing gang signs like her husband probably does (we're sure we read that on WND one time), Bey flashes Illuminati symbols in live performance. Is that true? Well, Glenn Beck's website reported it, so draw your own conclusions!
  • And finally, Beyoncé performed at the Super Bowl one time, which made Kathryn Jean Lopez of the National Review SO MAD she wrote an article about how nobody's ever gonna put a ring on a lady's finger when she's dressed like that, and K-Lo knows, because she is a Sexpert.

So now, because it is Friday afternoon, and also we are heading into the long weekend, let's have a Wonkette Dance Party, with five of our favorite Beyoncé songs, starting with "Irreplaceable," which is one of the greatest "fuck you, get outta my house, which I paid for" songs ever written. Fun fact: Yr Wonkette is also a singer/songwriter/pianist person (don't worry, you'll hear more about this soon enough), and we have played this song in a very "just me and the piano" kind of way. It ALWAYS amuses the townspeople when they realize what we are singing.

And now, two songs from that self-titled record Beyoncé scare-gasmed the internet with, by dropping it late at night with literally no warning. In "Partition," Beyoncé is singing about traditional hetero-married fucking, and how it can be really hot, in the back of a limousine. Doesn't Mike Huckabee want Americans to bone their opposite-sex spouses in limousines, or is he on the side of the gay terrorists? In "Jealous," Bey sings about being jealous and cooking naked, in the context of a straight Christian marriage.

We are particularly partial to the updated version of "Flawless," performed here with Nicki Minaj. Remember that whole "elevator incident," when Bey, her sister Solange, and Jay-Z almost got into fisticuffs on an elevator? So Beyoncé decided to add a verse to this song with a line that just said, "Of course sometimes shit go down, when it's a billion dollars on an elevator," repeated TWICE. Flawless indeed.

And then, of course, "Halo." The song that reminds you that, even if you suck SUPER HARD like Ben Shapiro or Kim Davis, you still are worth SOMETHING.

Feel free to post YOUR favorite Beyoncé songs in the comments, which are not allowed. All answers are acceptable, except I AM AN OLD AND I PREFER THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF "KILLING ME SOFTLY," because that was not Beyoncé who did that cover, that was Lauryn Hill with the Fugees, YOU OLD.

 

[h/t to Out Magazine, for being gay enough to alert us to Bey's bey-day / pic via Instagram]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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