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Good morning Wonkers! Are you ready for fired FBI director James Comey's testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is the only Christmas we may get this year, considering how Donald Trump is still president of America and we wouldn't put canceling Christmas past him, because of how he's a dick? Good! Brian Williams is bothering us on the MSNBC for whatever reason with his "special coverage," yr Wonkette has purchased all the supplies (liquor and gourmet deli breakfast items) necessary to liveblog this at you for as long as it takes, and James Comey just got picked up at his house in McLean, Virginia, so he can come to the Senate and do BOMBSHELLS. Or maybe he won't do bombshells. Who knows?

We saw Comey's opening statement Wednesday afternoon, and it tells us the basic plot points of how Trump tried to move on him inappropriately, in a justice-obstructing way, though he didn't use those EXACT words. If you haven't read it yet, CATCH UP, BOZO.

The RNC has released talking points to rebut Comey's testimony, because obviously this is a political campaign event for the president, and also the president is a liar, so we can't just let a career public servant testify about his interactions with the president without having TALKING POINTS against it.

On that same note, here is the very dumb and hilarious anti-Comey ad that will be running today during the hearing. It was released by the "Great America Alliance," some Trump-fellating super PAC full of IQ-deficient loons, because at least for today, it's CAMPAIGN SEASON, and James Comey is playing the role of "Hillary Clinton Democrat Devil," which is kind of funny considering Comey's history, isn't it?

As for the president's own personal feelings about Comey's testimony, we can only assume that he has shit one thousand spray-tanned bricks this morning. Will he tweet? WE SURE HOPE SO! Kellyanne Conway, Lady Mike Huckabee, Sean Spicer -- whoever stoled the president's phone and threw it in the Reflecting Pool out by Lincoln Memorial, FISH IT OUT.

Here's the official statement from Trump lawyer Marc Kasowitz:

TOTALLY VINDICATED! Of course all Comey told Trump at the time was that he wasn't the subject of a counter-intelligence investigation, and he didn't comment on whether Trump was the subject of a criminal investigation. Also, Comey's previous assurances may no longer be true. But anyway, WINNING!

And here's what Michael Cohen, that other creepy Trump lawyer, has to say about it:

Haha, what a fucking loser. When exactly was the entire dossier debunked by Christopher Steele? Oh that's right, it wasn't, and much of it has actually been confirmed. SAYS WHO?

OK here is your livestream video, for watching James Comey:

And now we liveblog!

9:58: Oh hi, Preet Bharara! Wonder why he might want to be there, hmmmmm!

10:05: HELLO UNCLE JIM!

So much SERIOUS FACE.

10:09: In his opening statement, committee chair Republican Senator Richard Burr brings up Hillary Clinton's emails, because #reasons.

10:13: Wonkette toddler human woman person baby is READY FOR COMEY DAY:

Right now committee vice chair Democratic Senator Mark Warner is listing everybody in Trump World who has ALREADY had to resign/get fired over ties to Russia.

10:19: NO FAKE NEWS, JIMBERLY.

Comey will not be reading his opening testimony, since everybody already knows it. Do you not know it? It is RIGHT HERE.

10:21: Here is part of the opening testimony! Comey is NOT happy with the way Trump has "defamed" the FBI, and he's pretty confused following the bouncing ball of reasons Trump has given for firing him.

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And now questioning has begun!

Burr asks whether anyone ever specifically asked him to stop the Russia investigation. The answer is nyet. He also says that WHEN HE LEFT, he had not seen specific evidence that Russia was successful in changing any votes in the election, though he has NO DOUBT that Russia was behind all of it.

10:34: By the way, since he has said it 86,000 times already, and since we did not make you a drinking game, when Comey says "confused and concerned" is when you DRINK!

10:37: Warner wants to know why Comey was so squicked out by his first all-by-myself meeting with Trump that he decided he had to write everything down. Comey answers that there were lots of reasons, and one of them is that he was "honestly concerned that he might lie about the nature of our meeting." That's right, before the inauguration, Comey had pegged Trump as a GODDAMNED LIAR.

10:41: Comey calls it "technically true" that there was not a counter-intelligence investigation into Donald Trump specifically. TECHNICALLY true. LITERALLY true. But ... ya know.

Hey where's Donald?

He's got to be going CRAZY.

10:49: So here is an interesting thing! When Comey wrote his memo about his Valentine's Day meeting with Trump at the White House, he specifically wrote it in such a way as to make sure it was unclassified, so it wouldn't be hidden away like that. Your Uncle Jim is always thinking ahead!

10:52: More interesting stuff about that Oval Office meeting:

Senator James Risch, Idaho's gift to the world, is trying to split hairs because Trump said "I hope" Comey would kill the Flynn investigation, as opposed to "please kill the investigation." That's right dumbass. Trump was just wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', BUT HE CERTAINLY WASN'T ASKIN'.

10:54: FEINSTEIN: Do you believe Russia was part of why you were fired?

COMEY: Um yes he said it on television, did you not see that? It was on the television!

10:57: Referring to Donald Trump's bullshit tweets about having "tapes" of their conversations, Comey says, "LORDY I HOPE THERE ARE TAPES!"

10:59: FEINSTEIN: Why did you tell Trump "we'll see what we can do" about "lifting the cloud" off the investigation?

COMEY: I was trying to get off the fucking phone and I had already tried "new phone who dis?" and pretending we had gotten disconnected.

11:02: Oh look who DOES have his phone:

It was just "New York Talk," like when you say "Nice FBI Director job you have there. HOPE nothing happens to it!"

Oh wait, the Trumps are thugs who are in bed with all sorts of unseemly types, the fact that he said "hope" actually seems worse than if a normal person said it.

11:08: More bullshit from the oldest broke-faced Trump son:

Donny Jr. KNOWS when Daddy is giving orders. When Donny Jr. gets orders from his Daddy and he doesn't do them he gets beated on his bottom and sent to his room without Trump Taco Bowls. Daddy was not a good daddy for Donny. It is very :(

11:15: Comey just said he can't talk about it in an open hearing, but there was a REASON he expected Jeff Sessions to recuse himself from the Russia investigation TWO WEEKS before he did it. Wonkette "Five Dollar Feminist," chiming in at Wonkette HQ, says "See? The FBI does have something else on Sessions."

11:17: SUSAN COLLINS: When you said Trump wasn't under investigation, did you mean JUST in a counter-intelligence way?

COMEY: Actually he was TOTALLY freaking out about the Russian pee hookers thing, and I was trying to reassure him that we were not investigating him for Russian pee hookers. "Sir, we are not personally investigating you!"

In other words, Comey ain't care if you like to get peed on, Mr. President.

11:21: Watch this watch this watch this:

 

Sessions is DIRTY. What a dirty, bad boy! What a MESSY ALABAMA DIRTY BOY!

10:27: We are just saying, but we kind of have a crush on Senator Heinrich of New Mexico.

Also, Comey just admitted he leaked the first story about his memos to the press through a friend. We all knew it, but it's funny that he's like "Yeah, DID THAT."

11:32: Republican Senator Roy Blunt with JUST A VERY GOOD QUESTION:

"If the president hadn't fired you, would you still be the FBI director?"

Um ... well we guess he could have gotten cast as Eponine in the touring company of Les Misérables and said "fuck this FBI, I'm going to be a STAR," but ...

11:40: BLUNT: Wait, so you are the leaker.

COMEY: Of unclassified things about my own memos, nitwit.

BLUNT: Why didn't you just give them to the press yourself?

COMEY: Seagulls at the beach.

BLUNT: What?

COMEY: Don't worry about it.

11:41: Now it is time for independent Maine Senator Angus King. Remember yesterday in the hearing with Mike Rogers and Dan Coats, how Senator King was a BIG STAR?

King begins by asking about Trump's claims from his NBC interview with Lester Holt. Comey is kindly explaining that everything Trump said is a giant fucking lie.

Also Comey wishes he hadn't broken a date with his wife to have dinner with Trump that fateful night in January, because his wife is way cooler than Trump.

11:43: Comey says Trump's "hoping" the FBI would kill the investigation into Flynn reminded him of "Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?" and Angus King was like "I was going to say the 'meddlesome priest' thing!" And now everybody is laughing and laughing about a smart joke President Trump is too stupid to understand. (This is the back story on that, by the way.)

11:46: About whether ending the Flynn investigation would have impeded the Russia investigation, Comey says sorta kinda not really but yeah maybe. He said the investigations are "touching each other but separate," by which he means the two investigations are NOT GAY FOR EACH OTHER.

11:55: Comey on why the investigation into Russian meddling is so important: He says we have this big messy wonderful country where we always fight, but (and we are paraphrasing slightly) "Nobody tells us what to think, what to fight about, what to vote for, except other Americans!"

Comey also just dared Trump to "release all the tapes" of their conversations, if such tapes exist. In exchange, Comey will release the Russian hooker pee tape HAHA JUST KIDDING, he didn't say that! The pee hooker tape doesn't exist! OR DOES IT?

12:03: Comey just had to adjust his chair all weird-like and he looked like a total dingus when he did it, so because Wonkette is a little shit, we screengrabbed it for you:

12:08: TOM COTTON: Do you think Michael Flynn ever lied to the FBI?

COMEY: Um, well, I don't really want to talk about it, but that is actually the point of the investigation into Flynn.

12:10: Yay, it is time for Senator Kamala Harris, the amazing former prosecutor lady who will be president one day, oh yes she will! She thanks Comey for spending so much time talking to them, and he says he totally has time right now, due to fun-employed.

12:17: Oh forget these hearings, Drudge has SIRENS!!!! about the REAL NEWS of the MUSLIM INVASION:

Just kidding, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

12:20: Interesting exchange with Senator John Cornyn on HILLZ DEVIL EMAILS! He said actions taken by then-Attorney General Loretta Lynch were uncomfortable and bad and contributed to why he became the public face of exonerating Hillary for her email crimes, and acknowledges that senators, including Cornyn, had called for a special prosecutor. But he says he ultimately decided that would be unfair because he "KNEW THERE WAS NO CASE THERE." We examined that last summer in VERY MANY DETAIL!

12:32: John McCain is asking inane questions about the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Why is the Hillary investigation over but the Trump one isn't? How does times work? John McCain has A Confuse and still has questions about Hillary. Why does the FBI not have A Confuse about Hillary?

John McCain is not a normal member of this committee, and he came in FOR SPECIAL to ask these questions.

12:35: SRSLY WTF IS JOHN MCCAIN TALKING ABOUT? He literally is trying to "both sides" Comey because the Hillary investigation was finished and done, whereas the Trump one was not. Is he having a stroke?

12:37: DOES JOHN MCCAIN THINK THE HILLARY EMAIL INVESTIGATION AND THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION ARE THE SAME INVESTIGATION? HE LITERALLY JUST SAID HE THINKS THERE IS A "DOUBLE STANDARD."

HENGGGGHHHHHHHH?

My friends, my friends, my friends...FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN

Also, McCain really wants to know that Trump meant when he said he and Comey had "that thing." WALNUTS!!!1! would be very curious if one of his boyfriends said he had "that thing" with WALNUTS!!!!1111!

12:42: And now the public session is over and James Comey will go join the senators for Secretive Sexxxxy Time in a closed session. We learned some weird things today!

Quick takeaways:

  1. Comey didn't use the words, but he laid out a case for obstruction of justice by Donald Trump, including the fact that Trump definitely fired him over Russia.
  2. There is SOMETHIN' FUNNY AFOOT about why Attorney General Sessions recused himself when he did. Comey said the FBI had more information on that, but he couldn't share it in an open session. He also said he couldn't discuss things like whether Trump colluded with Russia an open session.
  3. John McCain may be in the process of having a stroke.
  4. Comey definitely absolutely certainly believes Donald Trump is a giant liar, and he thought so WAY BACK the first time he met with Trump.
  5. LORDY James Comey hopes Trump has tapes of their conversations.
  6. LORDY Donald Trump hopes Comey doesn't have the pee tape.
  7. You see those buttons below? They say "donate." Wonkette has NO ADS and we are 100% supported by loving people like you. If you appreciate us being here and covering all this business, and you want us to be able to hire EVEN MORE PEOPLE so we can literally cover EVERYTHING, you should click the buttons below and give a love offering to yr Wonkette. Or you can click on our ActBlue page and make a donation there, then share that link with ALL YOUR FRIENDS.

OK everyone, good Comey hearing! You are probably all drunk now, so goodnight and good luck.

Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you! If you like us liveblogging this, hit those donate buttons just below, HARD.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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