Happy Conservative Warriors Defeated by Mysterious CPAC Plague Caused By Liberals Probably
Everybody please welcome our newest Wonkesse, Kaili Joy Gray what we stoled from Daily Kos! Remember that time when all the hip, young conservatives -- like teen starlet Phyllis Schlafly and some dumb chick from Alaska and also for some reason Michele Bachmann -- gathered in that godless cesspool that is our nation's capitol to discuss America's Future: The Next Generation of Conservatives [Second subhead because more subheads equals more smarter sounding] New Challenges, Timeless Principles? Of course you do, because it wasn't even a week ago, and you're probably still putting the finishing touches on your CPAC 2013 scrapbook, complete with pictures of not-racist dudes dressed like Thomas Jefferson, whitesplaining how The Man is keeping them down with the socialism and the Obama 'n stuff. Also, BENGHAZIIIIII!!!!!! Ah, memories.
If you were (un)lucky enough to attend Chickenfuckingpalooza 2013, Michelle Malkin's Hashtag Homeroom Twitchy says that Twitter says you also might be still suffering from the "103 fever" and the "chills and body aches" and the "raging ear infection":
Once again, the mystery illness known as “CPAC Plague” has hit many happy warriors hard, after last weekend’s CPAC 2013. It’s mysterious, but it’s real.
It's a mystery, by Joe-the-plumber, how these happy warriors were downed by The Plague, but one clever commenter says it was probably caused by mere exposure to the Typhoid Mary sluts known as "Liberal media reporters" who were sent to report on the convention and take pictures with that one guy dressed as a Transformer, who was one of the Founding Fathers? We don't know.
That sounds like good, Bible-based medical science to us, but let's not rule out other very likely causes. Like, Barack Obama put AIDS monkeys in there maybe, because he is ALWAYS doing stuff like that. Or conservatives need to stop doing sexytime with rats, because that is what causes The Plague, isn't it? WHY ARE YOU DOING SEXYTIME WITH RATS, CONSERVATIVES?
Won't anyone think of the children?