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Guess what, everybody? George W. Bush will be replaced by somebody (or some thing) one year from today! If that makes you happy, remember that Bush's first year in office wasn't exactly calm & quiet. Between January 20, 2001 and January 20, 2002, the following horrors were visited upon this Nation:


* February 16, 2001: The United States bombs Baghdad. (Forgot that one, didn't you?)

* February 18, 2001: Redneck hero Dale Earnhardt is killed in a NASCAR race, opening up the role for Connecticut Yankee George W. Bush, who will inexplicably become the rednecks' hero eight months later.

* March 23, 2001: The Russian space station Mir crashes to Earth, nearly killing everyone.

* April 1, 2001: An American spy plane crashes into some Chinese jets, and we almost have World War III again.

* May 1, 2001: Chandra Levy vanishes, along with creepy Congressman Gary Condit's career.

* June 8, 2001: Beloved Internet publication Suck.com posts its final story.

* June 19, 2001: America bombs a soccer game in Northern Iraq, killing 23 people for no reason.

* June 20, 2001: Military dictator Pervez Musharraf turns into "President" Pervez Musharraf, and Pakistan immediately becomes a rich, tolerant democracy.

* July 18, 2001: Baltimore is destroyed in a train crash.

* August 2, 2001: Robert Mueller becomes head of the FBI and immediately uncovers a terrible plot to fly airliners into New York City and Washington landmarks does whatever it is he did.

* September 11, 2001: Opera-loving Manhattan fascist Rudy Giuliani suddenly and inexplicably becomes popular with regular Americans, but it only lasts until mid-2007.

* September 14, 2001: Nasty, dimwitted George W. Bush suddenly and inexplicably becomes popular with regular Americans, but it only lasts until mid-2005.

* September 18-November 21, 2001: Anthrax is mailed from a New Jersey address to members of the media and two Democratic senators. The crimes are never solved and everybody completely forgets it ever happened, even though it paralyzes the nation for more than a month, sickens 22 people and kills five people.

* October 7, 2001: American forces invade Afghanistan. We're still there.

* October 26, 2001: Hey, what's this thing that pretty much takes away everybody's right to do anything, ever? Oh, it's called the Patriot Act? Well let's make that bitch law, right now.

* December 22, 2001: So much for keeping your shoes on at the airport.

* January 5, 2001: A freak flies a plane into a skyscraper in Tampa, Florida, on purpose, but it's totally not terrorism because John Ashcroft said it wasn't terrorism.

So, try holding your breath for an entire year. And then we'll have Hillary to march us the rest of the way to the Re-education Camps.

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