Happy May Day & Loyalty Day, Commies/Fascists!

I spy a May QueenAre you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That's because it's May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America's Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil "May Day" was patriotically converted into "Loyalty Day" ... but did anybody tell the Mexicans?


Congress killed the evil May Day back in 1958. It's crazy that so many of America's Precious Freedoms weren't invented by psychotic red baiters until the '50s, yet it's totally true!

The first attempt to kill May Day -- itself the old pagan hippie Renaissance Faire spring equinox festival in Europe -- was something called "Americanization Day," which was introduced in 1921 and totally ignored due to ragtime or something. Gin fizz, maybe? Anyway, May Day continued as an annual outdoor sex party in America until the 1950s.

The other main drunken pagan holiday of early May is, of course, the Fifth of May, or Cinco de Mayo, when we celebrate yet another French military defeat ... at the hands of the Mexicans.

Meanwhile, we still seem to be having some sort of immigration situation here in the Estados Unidos de América. And that means everybody's taking it to the streets! From Los Angeles to Chicago to Washington, the people who wash your dishes, clean your filthy condos, take care of your kids all day and do terrible terrorism in their spare time are all maybe going to have some quiet May Day rallies that won't be anything like the outrages of 2006 and 2007, when wingnuts were appalled to learn some of these Mexicans and other undocumented Latino workers expected some kind of human dignity just because they work and pay taxes.

Luckily John McCain solved immigration with his "open borders" policy, and now we are all part of the American labor commune family.

(This edition of Wonkette's American History was pasted together from your editor's posts on these same subjects from previous years, because we have labor-saving efficiency systems in place.)

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