Happy Rand Paul Is Running For President Day, Everyone!


It's another glorious day in U.S. America, because according to our calendar -- which we marked with lots of lolz and smiley faces and some more lolz -- today is the day Senator Doctor Rand Paul declares he is running for president, hooray!

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Rand is SO ready for Rand. He's changed his Twitter handle and everything:

And he's let it be known that he won't have his uncle dad who forwards those crazy racist emails embarrassing him on the campaign trail, because he can do that all on his own, thank you very much:

On Tuesday, when Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky is expected to announce his candidacy for the 2016 Republican nomination at a rally here, his father, Ron, the former Texas congressman, will have a silent role. The elder Mr. Paul, who is known for eagerly commenting on the crisis of the moment, has been much quieter lately. Last week, he was declining all interview requests.

Have we already compiled a sampling of reasons why Rand Paul will never actually be president? We have because we are servicey like that, and you're welcome.

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We are very excited that Rand Paul will start running for president today, you know, officially, because he is funny and fun -- by which we mean he is a giant dickbag, and we like to make jokes about that -- and we are already sick of the one declared presidential candidate, Ted Jesus H. Christ Cruz. (Just kidding, we will never tire of Cruz, but we are liberals, so we like diversity.)



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