Thanks so much for the warm welcome to my first post! I realize I came out of the gate swinging taking aim at Ridiculously Employed Americans but BE THE CHANGE! Remember, all nonsense is local so I hope you’ve been inspired to go to your neighborhood proprietor of the unnecessary and yell “Nay!” “Naaaaay!!!”
Ultimately, I hope to produce amusing, adjective rich pensé vomissure on Society’s issues through the lens of current events, popular culture, and my personal experience as a Black woman with fantastic ankles. A few days ago, I was on the train, meditating on my next post, “Wakanda? Wakan’tWe Laugh,Nap, or Golf, in Peace without White People Calling the Cops?”, when I saw a girl I hate.
(Author’s Note: Hate is kind of a strong word. She’s quite terrible but I don’t wish her ruin or death. I just hope she always feels like there’s a bug on her neck.)
Shaken but undeterred I initiated standard Oh Hell No Protocol and alerted my group text. One friend responded with “Is it That Heifer?” and I had to say “No it’s That Other Heifer”. I then realized 1) My lovely friends are not only listening when I talk words but, 2) are actually attempting to keep a running list of people I hate and, 3) Might I hate too many people? Here’s a partial list edited for comedy:
- Girl I saw on the train (the aforementioned “That Other Heifer”)
- Every guy that liked me but didn’t tell me until we were sipping platonic milkshakes in the Friendzone (two straws, two glasses)
- Every guy that liked me and yelled their intentions using terms not found outside a dirty limerick
- Star-Lord for getting half of the universe Bad Raptured
- Various and sundry I don’t need to say your names but you know what you did
I share this list so that you can seek my vengeance! And because a friend on a different group text has assured me that the length of a lady’s enemies list is her prerogative. (PROTIP: To yield a bountiful friendship harvest, rotate your dumb feelings among different group texts! Your friends’ nerves will stay rich and fertile of patience!). Even if I accept that a long enemies list is simply evidence of a life lived stubbornly on one’s own painfully rigid terms, is it healthy?
I know that it’s not healthy to be on the receiving end of constant hate. I’m a Black woman with superior ankles and while there are people who will stop at nothing to dull your ankle shine (trust me on this?), I’ve endured much worse treatment based on my race or my gender. Beyoncé reminded us of this while also showcasing Black women’s capacity for genius, creativity, and ability to excel in spite of our treatment. Literally Lemonadeout of Society’s racist lemons. Black women will often be at the front of marches and movements to make the world better for not just us but everyone and yet somehow leading the charge doesn’t always keep us from being forgotten or worse, trampled.
Now if I were a clever somebody, this is where I would say, there is a place for Black women, dramatic ellipses, IN WAKANDA! You’d laugh as you realized that you’ve been reading the essay I alluded to in the beginning now triumphantly titled “Wakanda? WaKonvolutedFramingDa-vice!” Good times! But as much as we know Wakanda to be a place of nurturers, thinkers, and warriors, I also like to think it would be one of un-colonized, burn book, petty that isn’t informed or exploited by a legacy of racism. You can be over that trifling miss missy because she’s trifling and wishes she had these editorial ankles. That’s Freedom’s dream.
I feel like I should end this with positivity so to balance this essay and the universe for those of us that are left, here’s a list of people I love edited for awwws:
- The Black Women in my family who are awesomeness personified, all with Ankles to the Gawds
- My Group Texts that support me even though 95% of my contribution to our conversations is this
This post is meant as hyperbolic comedic commentary by Z. Swan who would be happy if That Other Heifer forever thought there was a brick on her neck. It doesn't have to be a bug. #Maturity