• Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig's heart. It's a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys -- put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]

  • Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]

  • Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney's secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain't shavin' nothing, and don't even worry about Cheney, we'll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]

  • America's leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, "Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people." Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]


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