Hedge Funds That Bankrupted Chrysler Are Terrified Of Internet Commenters
Many blame last week's Chrysler bankruptcy on the fact that Chrysler is a shit company. They are wrong! It was really a group of hedge funds, holding large swaths of Chrysler debt, that rejected the administration's settlement offer of a 33 cents-on-the-dollar payout and thus threw the company into its current quickie "nooner" of a Chapter 11 filing. These twenty-ish hedge funds -- who call themselves, retardedly, the "Chrysler Non-TARP Lenders," making them Moral -- are trying to score a better deal in bankruptcy court. These terrible people! SO TERRIBLE are these people that they filed a motion in court to have their names sealed, because apparently, what's this, the public is mad at them for bankrupting a massive company out of greed? They've received death threats! And as the Non-TARP Cocksuckers' court motion reveals, the threats have come from... dumb slob commenters on the Washington Post website.
While "some people dislike these awful greedy bastards" is not much of an argument to keep counterparties' names sealed in a massive public bankruptcy case, the hedge funds' lawyer argued that the court should make an exception, because -- as with most things -- this is all Barack Obama's fault.
Thomas Lauria, a lawyer for the dissidents, told [Judge] Gonzalez yesterday that the group has been exposed to “undue reputational damage, and threats of violence.” He said criticism of the group was exceptional, because it came from U.S. President Barack Obama.
And who are these mastermind serial killers Barack Obama is paying to assassinate the hedge fund managers? They call themselves "The Internets."
Robert W. Hamilton, a lawyer for Chrysler, said that the threats couldn’t be taken seriously, as they were postings on an Internet message board affiliated with the Washington Post.
“The only evidence they have provided is a series of four or five anonymous rants on a Washington Post Web site,” Hamilton said. “Anyone with a passing familiarity with the hyperbolic rants on such boards on the Internet would not take such comments seriously.”
For example, an anonymous commenter who signed himself “jerkhoff” wrote, “These aristocrats should be lined up against the wall and executed.”
Despite "jerkhoff"'s use of a popular venting phrase on an Internet newspaper comment board in between bouts of furious masturbation, Judge Gonzales dismissed the motion, because hey, stop whining.
Hey everybody, let's celebrate the occasion! Time to send your personal greetings to the cocksuckers on this very thread! You could end up in a "legal document" some day!