Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker


Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture.

Very funny, though, to see Mr. Glenn Greenwald and Lindsay Mills, girlfriend of Mr. Edward Snowden, onstage winning Oscar for documentary about him. I hope Lindsay brings statue back home to Mother Russia for Vladimir to hold at next brunch at Edward’s flat. Will be better than Super Bowl ring. Never in wildest dreams did we think Snowden operation would include Oscar win. This is most successful – what is word – “trolling” by our FSB in history.

But what I speak to you today of, Wonkette, is not further dissolution of your culture with ridiculous award shows. No, Vladimir wishes to tell story. Last week he is in office when he hears very funny tale. Let Vladimir set scene:


VLADIMIR PUTIN, Russian president, very imposing and handsome man, sits behind large desk. He wears no shirt, his physique impressive like rolling taiga in Gogol story. Truly, he is amazing specimen.

Enter MEDVEDEV, Russian prime minister.

MEDVEDEV: Comrade President!

PUTIN: Dmitry Anatolyevich, what news do you bring me?

MEDVEDEV: Funny story from New York City, Comrade.

PUTIN: Prokhorov finally shot all his players for underperforming?

MEDVEDEV: Funnier. You have heard of this Scott Walker, governor of the former socialist state of Wisconsin?

PUTIN: Yes, yes. A funny little man. Beady eyes.

MEDVEDEV: That is him. He has been very controversial, with destroying state government and labor unions and universities. He now wants to be president to replace Agent Obama.

PUTIN: Damn that Obama. After all we did to plant him in America and get him elected. Are we sure since he cannot repeal Amendment 22, he also cannot just ignore it?

MEDVEDEV: Comrade President, we have been over this…

PUTIN: Yes, fine. Go on about the ferret Walker.

MEDVEDEV: It seems Walker was in New York City for fundraising for election. He is at dinner, speaking to crowd of Republican – what is word – fat cats. He is talking about how Ronald Reagan fought with air-traffic controllers in early 1980s to break union.

PUTIN: Yes yes, I recall. That old drunk Noonan claimed it scared Soviets so much, entire empire later collapsed.

MEDVEDEV: Da, Comrade President. Scott Walker makes same claim! Reagan is his hero. And now Scott Walker has fought unions in his state.


MEDVEDEV: Da again! I quote from racists at National Review: “Walker believes his stance against unions in Wisconsin would be a signal of toughness to Islamic jihadists and Russia’s Vladimir Putin.”

The two men howl with laughter so much they fall to floor and roll around. Both struggle to feet, calming down, look at each other, and begin howling again so much Putin has to lean against desk. And he is usually very strong, virile man.

PUTIN: (wiping tears from eyes) Mother Russia is in for it now, Comrade Prime Minister!

MEDVEDEV: Indeed, Comrade President! Us and the Islamic jihadists!

PUTIN: The mighty Scott Walker faced down all those middle-school algebra teachers and now he will take on mighty Mother Russia as we quiver in our boots! The sun is setting on our empire, Dmitry Anatolyevich!

MEDVEDEV: We cannot allow this to happen, Vladimir Vladimirovich!

PUTIN: Indeed! Convene the Federal Assembly! Call the military!

MEDVEDEV: Why bother when our enemy is the mighty Scott Walker, conqueror of all the public schools in Waukesha! Comrade President, when faced with such a force, you know there is only one thing to do.

The two men stare at each other. Slowly it dawns on Putin.

PUTIN: As you say, Dmitry.

He faces audience, thrusts manly chest forward, raises mighty fist.

PUTIN: Comrade…Fire up the Doomsday Machine!

The two men collapse helplessly in laughter again.

HA HA HA! Do you like story? Scott Walker, scourge of schoolteachers, such lackey of Koch brothers that this happened, is now ready to take on Russian bear in geopolitical wrestling match! This is most Vladimir has laughed since George Bush saw my soul!

Okay, good fun, Wonkette. We will speak again soon. Unless Walker becomes president, in which case entire Russian state will be cowering in bunker. Until then, Molotov!

I remain your very good friend,

Vladimir Putin

[National Review]

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Dame Peggington Noonington awakened in the New York Publick Librarie in a daze. She did not know what series of unfortunate events had led to this moment, but she vaguely remembered that last time this happened a passerby on 5th Avenue had transported her there, having found her on a stoop with eyes glazed over, muttering "Buk! Buk!" If we're being honest, she was choking on gin, but the well-meaning Good Samaritan took her for a woman craving classic literature, and Peggy was OK with allowing that illusion to stand.

As she stumbled toward the exit to summon her chauffeur -- Manuel, who was also her houseboy, who probably was responsible entirely for her current predicament, and would be subject to a talking-to about his derring-do as soon as Peggy's head stopped pounding -- she happened upon a display of new arrivals. "Buk! Buk!" she said. Swallowing hard, she grabbed a copy of Michelle Obama's book and went out onto the New York street without actually checking the book out.

Peggy arrived home safely, if a bit worse for the wear. She had been thinking about America's royal families a lot lately, especially the genteel women who serve as First Lady. She was particularly charmed by Melania Trump's show of wicked mischief last week, firing the deputy national security adviser without regret! Peggy remembered how fun it is to fire people and stuck a Post-it on her forehead to remind her to fire Manuel later, for leaving her destitute among the commoners at the librarie.

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Congratulations to the Dear Leader on his flawless victory in court against the media dogs at the CNN cesspool of evil. Donald Trump is a champion of the people's right to civil discourse, and he will not hesitate to slap those who hurt the dignity of the Supreme Leadership. Take it from Ri Chun-hee Sarah Huckabee Sanders:

Today the court made clear that there is no absolute First Amendment right to access the White House. In response to the court, we will temporarily reinstate the reporter's hard pass. We will also further develop rules and processes to ensure fair and orderly press conferences in the future. There must be decorum at the White House.

Leave aside for a moment the screaming irony of the Pussgrab Administration lecturing the press on decorum. Literally none of what the Huckster said here is true. Judge Timothy Kelly ordered the White House Press Office to reinstate Jim Acosta's hard pass immediately on Fifth Amendment grounds. He didn't reach the First Amendment issues of press access because he didn't have to.

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