Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Am Preparing To Surrender Mother Russia To Scott Walker


Greetings of day to you, illiterate Western scum! I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, am happy to make speaking to you again here on Wonkette dot com! You have all recovered from watching of decadent movie award show, yes? Very political show this year, with talk of all the black men you have in prison and women you do not pay money to and such. Very embarrassing. At Russian Oscars, Mr. John Legend and Ms. Patricia Arquette would have been dragged out behind theater and been shot. Along with director who did not cut their microphones. Technicians who hooked up microphones. Cameramen who did not pan cameras away. Entire audience that applauded … you get picture.

Very funny, though, to see Mr. Glenn Greenwald and Lindsay Mills, girlfriend of Mr. Edward Snowden, onstage winning Oscar for documentary about him. I hope Lindsay brings statue back home to Mother Russia for Vladimir to hold at next brunch at Edward’s flat. Will be better than Super Bowl ring. Never in wildest dreams did we think Snowden operation would include Oscar win. This is most successful – what is word – “trolling” by our FSB in history.

But what I speak to you today of, Wonkette, is not further dissolution of your culture with ridiculous award shows. No, Vladimir wishes to tell story. Last week he is in office when he hears very funny tale. Let Vladimir set scene:


VLADIMIR PUTIN, Russian president, very imposing and handsome man, sits behind large desk. He wears no shirt, his physique impressive like rolling taiga in Gogol story. Truly, he is amazing specimen.

Enter MEDVEDEV, Russian prime minister.

MEDVEDEV: Comrade President!

PUTIN: Dmitry Anatolyevich, what news do you bring me?

MEDVEDEV: Funny story from New York City, Comrade.

PUTIN: Prokhorov finally shot all his players for underperforming?

MEDVEDEV: Funnier. You have heard of this Scott Walker, governor of the former socialist state of Wisconsin?

PUTIN: Yes, yes. A funny little man. Beady eyes.

MEDVEDEV: That is him. He has been very controversial, with destroying state government and labor unions and universities. He now wants to be president to replace Agent Obama.

PUTIN: Damn that Obama. After all we did to plant him in America and get him elected. Are we sure since he cannot repeal Amendment 22, he also cannot just ignore it?

MEDVEDEV: Comrade President, we have been over this…

PUTIN: Yes, fine. Go on about the ferret Walker.

MEDVEDEV: It seems Walker was in New York City for fundraising for election. He is at dinner, speaking to crowd of Republican – what is word – fat cats. He is talking about how Ronald Reagan fought with air-traffic controllers in early 1980s to break union.

PUTIN: Yes yes, I recall. That old drunk Noonan claimed it scared Soviets so much, entire empire later collapsed.

MEDVEDEV: Da, Comrade President. Scott Walker makes same claim! Reagan is his hero. And now Scott Walker has fought unions in his state.


MEDVEDEV: Da again! I quote from racists at National Review: “Walker believes his stance against unions in Wisconsin would be a signal of toughness to Islamic jihadists and Russia’s Vladimir Putin.”

The two men howl with laughter so much they fall to floor and roll around. Both struggle to feet, calming down, look at each other, and begin howling again so much Putin has to lean against desk. And he is usually very strong, virile man.

PUTIN: (wiping tears from eyes) Mother Russia is in for it now, Comrade Prime Minister!

MEDVEDEV: Indeed, Comrade President! Us and the Islamic jihadists!

PUTIN: The mighty Scott Walker faced down all those middle-school algebra teachers and now he will take on mighty Mother Russia as we quiver in our boots! The sun is setting on our empire, Dmitry Anatolyevich!

MEDVEDEV: We cannot allow this to happen, Vladimir Vladimirovich!

PUTIN: Indeed! Convene the Federal Assembly! Call the military!

MEDVEDEV: Why bother when our enemy is the mighty Scott Walker, conqueror of all the public schools in Waukesha! Comrade President, when faced with such a force, you know there is only one thing to do.

The two men stare at each other. Slowly it dawns on Putin.

PUTIN: As you say, Dmitry.

He faces audience, thrusts manly chest forward, raises mighty fist.

PUTIN: Comrade…Fire up the Doomsday Machine!

The two men collapse helplessly in laughter again.

HA HA HA! Do you like story? Scott Walker, scourge of schoolteachers, such lackey of Koch brothers that this happened, is now ready to take on Russian bear in geopolitical wrestling match! This is most Vladimir has laughed since George Bush saw my soul!

Okay, good fun, Wonkette. We will speak again soon. Unless Walker becomes president, in which case entire Russian state will be cowering in bunker. Until then, Molotov!

I remain your very good friend,

Vladimir Putin

[National Review]

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Well, goddamn it, a wonderful person we'd never heard of until last night is dead. Lyra McKee was 29, an investigative journalist who specialized in looking at the legacy of "the Troubles" in Northern Ireland. She was murdered by someone shooting at police during rioting in Derry, or perhaps Londonderry, depending on who you want to piss off by using either name for the city. The rioting broke out after police "started carrying out searches in the area because of concerns that militant republicans were storing firearms and explosives" in advance of attacks planned to mark the anniversary of the 1916 Easter Rising. Police are blaming the violence and McKee's death on the "New Irish Republican Army," a radical republican group formed a few years ago from several smaller groups. Despite the name, the group has no ties to the old Provisional Irish Republican Army, which renounced violence and disarmed in 2005 following the 1998 Good Friday Agreement, which was supposed to have brought peace to Northern Ireland, and kind of did, at least much of the time.

McKee is being remembered by colleagues and readers as a promising journalist who was expected to go far. A year ago, McKee signed a two-book deal with Faber & Faber; the first of the books, The Lost Boys, an investigation of eight young men who disappeared in Belfast during the Troubles in the '60s and '70s, will be published next year. A 2016 Forbes profile said "McKee's passion is to dig into topics that others don't care about." For instance, CNN reports, McKee spent five years investigating a story about the only rape crisis center in Northern Ireland and its long struggle to regain funding after the government eliminated it.

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