Hello! I, Vladimir Putin, Will Clear Up Mystery Of Missing Defense Minister!
Hello and salutations, degenerate Nazis of the Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, making with you the talking! It has been ... let us just check glorious Wonkette archive ... vot eto da! Eight years since last we made the acquaintance! How have you been? Did you enjoy election surprise Vladimir made for you in 2016? You should have seen your debauched American faces! Shocked like old babushka plugging in faulty Soviet radio. Vladimir has not laughed like that since Rocky movie.
But enough with happy memory. We have much more serious matter. And as such, Vladimir must make confession: Our special military operation in Ukraine does not go well. Somehow, gallant Russian tanks keep exploding, heroic Russian soldiers deplete ammunition stores by constant giving of bullets to civilians. And, Vladimir must admit, Nazis improve military since Stalingrad. Bog na nebesakh, for a people that does not exist, Ukrainians are very pesky.
But Vladimir Vladimirovich, you are saying, you are most magnificent leader of Russian people! You are strong, you are virile, you are greatest Russian hockey player since Viktor Tikhonov. How could you lead nation into this fuck of a cluster? Ha ha! You thank stars you not say that in Moscow. Russian security service does not have sense of humor.
Sometime, though, other people fail Vladimir. No, is true! Once, one of my many dogs made the shit on beautiful Caucasian rug in dacha, and maid did not get stain out. Do not worry, she scrubs rocks in Siberian rock mine now.
With Ukraine, many people fail to get shit out of carpet. Many, many people. Intelligence officials. Chief of General Staff of military. Head of Federal Security Service. Many generals. Too many people not as afraid of heights as they should have been, da?
Then there is noble defense minister Sergei Shoigu. You saw Sergei in early days of inva — uh, special military operation. He sat at end of giant table and listened to history lesson about greatness of Russia and Ukraine being not a country, and like good Russian soldier would not ever change expression. I tell him, Sergei, you may smile! You may laugh at your leader's jokes! You may gaze in awe upon the masculine specimen that is president of all of Russia!
But no, he sat there like lump of potato in bowl of borscht. He said he had indigestion, I tell him eat Tums. I tell him two Alka Seltzer in bottle of Sovetskoye Shampanskoye, he will be right as rain in morning, ready to go BASE jumping from apartment window. Ha ha! I tease.
Then Sergei disappear. He is not on television, he is not at giant table, he is not guest on show of Tucker Carlson. Your fake Western media ask, where is Sergei? Is he now defense minister of radar station in Arctic Circle? Is he in Lefortovo prison, having polonium tea pumped in at both ends?
No, no. What is Vladimir, an appalling degenerate who will kill you if I bungle invasion of sovereign nation?
And I did not bungle invasion! Is all going according to plan! We sank glorious missile cruiser Moskva on purpose, to make reef for the scuba diving!
Wonkette comrades, you can relax. There is no mystery! Sergei simply had conveniently timed massive heart attack. Due to foul play. Excuse please, "not of natural causes." And now he is perhaps on verge of going to great taiga in sky.
Yes, Vladimir can cry! Sergei is old comrade. And so loyal! We take vacation together. He kick up percentage of all monies he steals from Russian people. I fuck his wife. Is great friendship!
Chert voz'mi, again with the waterworks. Vladimir is like woman. Not strong Russian woman, the Russian woman who rode across the steppes to fight the Mongol hordes at the Kalka River, who fought Napoleon at the Battle of Borodino, who can give birth to litter of bear cubs in morning and plow wheat field in afternoon. No, he is like weak American woman that cries a lot.
You saw nothing, Wonkette! Do not make me invite you for tea.
What time is it? Time to give your money to Wonkette.