Help! We Live In A World Where 'Governor Zack Morris' Is An Entirely Plausible Scenario!
In a move meant to tickle the ever-nostalgic heartstrings of elder millennials like myself, NBC has announced that "Saved By The Bell" will finally be getting its very own long-anticipated reboot. You know, other than "Saved By The Bell: The College Years" and "Saved By The Bell: The New Class" (which, by the way, starred both eternal teenager Bianca Lawson and Sarah Lancaster, who later played Chuck's annoying sister on "Chuck"). Rather than airing on Saturday mornings or literally every afternoon from 4-5 for the next decade, the series will be on NBC's new Peacock streaming service, alongside a reboot of "Punky Brewster" that is making me extremely nervous as a very dedicated fan of "Punky Brewster."
Normally, a reboot of a television series would not exactly be Wonkette territory, but get a load of the description here:
The new Saved By the Bell features Zack Morris as governor of California, and when Governor Morris gets into hot water for closing too many low-income high schools, he proposes they send affected students to the highest performing schools in the state, including Bayside High. The influx of new students gives the privileged Bayside kids a dose of reality.
Ah yes, "Saved By The Bell" is definitely the appropriate vehicle for tackling heavy issues like poverty and busing and caffeine pill addiction. How is this going to even work? These aren't exactly issues that can be handled in the same way one would handle accidentally scheduling two dates on the same night. Whoops! Zack accidentally closed all of the schools that poor kids went to — hijinks ensue!
Now, the last we heard of Zack Morris, he was in Las Vegas marrying his one true love, Kelly Kapowski — and on the way to doing so, was thrown in jail briefly and then also worked as a male escort (and roped Screech into doing so as well) in order to be able to afford the wedding because they blew all of the wedding money on bail, and was then chased throughout a casino by gangsters of some kind. And somehow, even with all of that on his record, he gets a career in politics! It shouldn't be surprising, and it is not.
It is not at all surprising, particularly in this political climate, that a scheming dirtbag like Zack Morris would become governor of California. He was always the kind of person for whom things just magically work out in the end — like how he spent his entire high school years doing pretty much nothing other than scheming to get into Kelly Kapowski's pants and ruining the lives of literally everyone he ever came in contact with, and then, out of nowhere, magically pulls off a 1500 SAT score, scoring 300 points higher than Jessie Spano, who actually worked her ass off the whole time. I don't even remember what he did during "Saved By The Bell: The College Years," other than inexplicably have the criminally underutilized Holland Taylor as his dean.
In a better world, we would have Governor Jessie Spano. But in this world, even in this fictional world, we all get stuck with Governor Zack Fucking Morris, who is too stupid to realize it's kind of shitty to close all of the schools where poor people live and then make all of those kids travel to Bayside High to teach all of the rich kids some important life lessons. Like the kind of "lesson" Lisa Turtle learned when she "accidentally" spent a fuckton of money on her Dad's credit card and then had to like, sell her clothes and work at The Max to pay him off.
You know who wouldn't screw up like that? Governor Jessie Spano. Governor Jessie Spano would have had her shit together.
This will not, of course, be the first time "Saved By The Bell" has tackled class issues. After all, Kelly Kapowski, the oldest of seven children (as we recall?), was on the broke side — and once had to skip prom because her dad lost his job and she couldn't afford to go, so Zack went and made a special prom just for the two of them, which was probably one of his less shitty moments. Of course, her grandfather also owned a hotel in Hawaii, so she was probably OK for the most part?
The closure of low-income schools is a serious problem, and one that should be addressed — by literally anything and anyone but "Saved By The Bell." Which is not to say that I will not watch the absolute shit out of this trainwreck, because I will and so will you.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse