HOT TIPS​ For Men Too Scared To Work With Women In A #MeToo World!

9 to 5

This week, Bloomberg published an article about the "controversial strategies" that the men of Wall Street are employing in order to navigate this strange new world where their female employees and co-workers will actually say something if they sexually harass them. Calling it "the Pence effect," these bewildered finance guys have now decided that the only possible way to handle this is by avoiding women and being alone with them entirely.

It's not surprising. Since #MeToo started, we've seen more than enough men huffing about "You all know this is going to lead to is us NOT hiring any more women, right?" along with lots of handwringing over a potential "backlash." There's a certain desperation to turn this around and find a way to use it in order to punish women. It's not surprising -- sexual harassment has always been about power. If you truly feel you can say "fuck me or lose your job" to a person, you are someone who feels pretty powerful. Part of that "power" is the part where they don't complain because they're more afraid of what you'll do to them than vice versa.

There's even power in the anticipation of a "#MeToo backlash." It's very "One of these days, Alice, right to the moon!" Keep quiet, ladies, or you'll only make things worse for yourselves.

No more dinners with female colleagues. Don't sit next to them on flights. Book hotel rooms on different floors. Avoid one-on-one meetings.

In fact, as a wealth adviser put it, just hiring a woman these days is "an unknown risk." What if she took something he said the wrong way?

Yeah, that sure is a tough one! Women are so mysterious! Who knows how their lady brains work or how they process words and actions? If you ask a woman to pass the salt, will she think that is code for "wanna bang" and then sue you for all the money that you ever ever had? WHO CAN KNOW?

Well, I am here to help! I have compiled a list of helpful pointers for the menfolk out there who seem to think that the only possible solution to navigating this world is to go out of their way to make things even harder for women.

1. Think About Things You Want To Say Before You Say Them Out Loud. This seems like a nearly impossible task! After all, you are not a mind reader! And isn't it important that you get to express yourself?

But guess what? Millions of people all over the world do this every day. Women, especially. It's part of the way we're socialized. Women are not magically empathetic because that's just how we are; in a world filled with fragile male egos, it's a survival strategy. Now you must learn this survival strategy too. Think about what you are going to say. Think about how the person you are saying it to is most likely to take it. Consider them as a person, your relationship to them, etc. Ask yourself "Is it kind? Is it necessary?"

The answer to those questions, if the thing you wish to say is "Nice tits!" is almost always going to be a hard no.

2. Try Interacting With Human Women. Do you have a mother? A sister? If so -- good news! You may already be on your way to having some idea of how to interact with a woman without trying to bang her. Try, even, making friends with some women and having conversations with them that are in no way about your dick. Soon, you may even find yourself being comfortable talking to all kinds of women without being horrible. Moreover, you might even learn enough about them to realize that #NotAllWomen are planning their careers around falsely accusing poor men of things they didn't even do, and most are just trying to get through the goddamned day.

3. Have Manners! While some people think of manners and etiquette as merely rules for fancy people about what fork they are supposed to use, their true purpose is making other people comfortable. We don't chew with our mouths closed at the dinner table merely because it is verboten to do otherwise, but because we do not want to make other people sick. Think of it as your job, to some degree, to make sure that other people feel comfortable when you are talking to them.

4. Hire MORE Women! It sounds counterintuitive, sure! More female employees just means more opportunities for those sirens to trap you in some little misstep and ruin your life forever, as you know they all desperately want to do. But having more women around will reduce the chances of your co-worker bar outing being a bunch of drunk dudes and one lady and help the fellas on your team learn how to be normal around women they work with, just as women and many other men manage to do every day.

5. Don't Hire Men Who Cannot Talk To Women. Guess what? Outside of perhaps a cloistered monastery or maybe a bath house, being able to talk to women is an integral part of most jobs. If someone feels that they cannot talk to women without getting their dick involved in the conversation, if they feel they cannot talk to women in general, they are not qualified to hold any job that involves doing this.

6. Act The Same Way You Would If You Were Talking To A Man You Respected. This, really, is the easiest solution. Before you open your mouth, imagine yourself saying this same thing to a male employee. If it feels weird, it probably is!

7. Try Worrying About Some Other Stuff! Life involves some amount of risk. Sure! Some woman might someday accuse you of sexual harassment and you may not feel it was warranted. Also, every time you leave your home, someone could murder you. Someone could even come in your home and murder you. That sweetener in your morning coffee could be anti-freeze. Someone at work could frame you for stealing the petty cash. The police could frame you for murder. A man could accuse you of sexual harassment. You could get hairy palms from masturbating too much. The ceiling could fall on your head at any moment. All of these things could happen, but you're probably not rearranging your entire life on the off chance that they will, are you? You're not doing shit that affects other people's ability to work and be successful in life because you're afraid they might murder you, are you? So learn to live with it.

Think about all the extra things you'd have to worry about if you were a woman. Am I coming off as a bitch? If I reject this man, will he murder me? If I go out at night in a miniskirt and someone rapes me, will people think I was asking for it? Is there a roofie in my drink? Will I be able to get another job quickly if my boss fires me if I don't sleep with him? If I don't laugh at this sexist joke, are the men I work with going to think I'm uptight and no fun? If I say I was harassed or raped or assaulted, would anyone believe me? Will I not be taken seriously if I do ____, _____ or _____? So many, many things! We live with all of this and it sucks. So now you have a thing you have to live with. Tough shit!

8. Don't Be An Asshole -- Deep among all the hand wringing from all these finance bros about how careful they feel they have to be now that they live in fear of being #MeToo'd was one brave, non-stupid man who managed to figure shit out all on his own:

There are as many or more men who are responding in quite different ways. One, an investment adviser who manages about 100 employees, said he briefly reconsidered having one-on-one meetings with junior women. He thought about leaving his office door open, or inviting a third person into the room.

Finally, he landed on the solution: "Just try not to be an asshole."

That's pretty much the bottom line, said Ron Biscardi, chief executive officer of Context Capital Partners. "It's really not that hard."

It's almost like magic, really!

Maybe you already know all this stuff and this list is not helpful for you! Good! That's great. I hope that all the men who read this list, have -- like Ron Biscardi -- already figured all of this out on their own. So what you guys have to do now is make sure that this "Oh gosh, I guess I'll just exclude women from everything and make things harder for them career-wise so they don't accuse me of sexual harassment!" bullshit from other dudes doesn't happen in your office. And, hey, you can even pass this list on to them. Or just tell them "Hey, just don't be an asshole."


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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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OOH BOY HOWDY, The Federalist is on fire this week! Just this morning we told you about the hilarious Federalist column where one neo-Nazi's mom and dad are Democrats, ipso facto QED NEO-NAZIS ARE THE REAL LIBERALS, FUCKERS! Is America's dumbest woman whose name doesn't rhyme with Cara Snailin' over there being a total fuckin' Mollie Hemingway right now? Sadly, she blocked us on Twitter, so how could we possibly know? The answer is WE DON'T CARE.

But now we have a gem of the Federalist genre, an article written by a whiny-ass gay quisling conservative, who would like to chew on his blankie and whine about how much harder it is out there for a conservative than it is for a gay person. This is a subject we happen to have some knowledge about, because we are super gay! And we know a lot about conservatives, both firsthand -- being subjected to them every single one of our almost four decades of life -- and also from covering extremist right-wing Christians for a very long time. Particularly the kind that tell young, impressionable, vulnerable gay kids that they need to pray away the gay if they want Jesus to exercise some self control and refrain from sending them to a fiery hell for all eternity.

We clicked on the article with high hopes. See if you can spot why:

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pic via Glamour Shots, we mean this dude's old website

The House Education and Workforce Committee was all set to have a hearing today all about the horrors that a higher minimum wage would wreak on the economy. Horrors like rich people being slightly less rich. Horrors like business owners claiming they will have to fire people and charge $15 for a McChicken if forced to pay workers a living wage, which they won't actually do because no one will buy a $15 McChicken and they would go out of business if they tried that, and they already don't hire more people than the bare minimum they can get away with. Horrors like poor people not being "motivated" to work harder and get better jobs that do not pay them an amount no human being could possibly live on.

Alas, as Politico reports, it was not to be, as committee members discovered their big witness for the hearing, San Diego State University economist Joseph Sabia (pictured above in a Glamour Shot from his archived website), was kind of a wacko.

Sabia, as it turns out, once had a blog called "No Shades Of Gray," in which he wrote many columns of an extremely homophobic and sexist persuasion. In one of these columns, in 2002, Sabia was very mad about one man's lawsuit against several fast food giants for contributing to his health and obesity problems by failing to disclose the nutritional information of the food they sold. In retrospect, I think most people are now on board with these chains being required to post calorie counts and other nutritional information, but in 2002, Sabia was convinced that requiring them to do this would be an assault on freedom for all Americans everywhere. His response to this was to try and attempt a Jonathan Swift posture and suggest taxing gay sex, which he claimed leads to "disastrous health consequences."

Because sure, that's the same thing, basically.

In gay sex, we have an activity that is clearly leading to disastrous health consequences. What rational person would engage in this sort of activity? There is only one solution - let's tax it.

"Come on, Sabia," you say, "how are you going to enforce these taxes? Are you going to send government officials to peep into everyone's bedroom?"

Eventually. But first we have to mount the assault on Big Gay (no, I am not talking about Rosie O'Donnell). We can tax gay nightclubs, websites, personal ads, sexual paraphernalia, and so forth. Talk about a sin tax!!! We can cripple gay-related industries and get them right where we want them. All gay clubs will have to feature huge, flashing warning signs like "CAUTION: Entering this nightclub may increase your chance of contracting STDs and dying."

Big Gay clearly lures people into trying their "product" without discussing the risks to mind, body, and soul. The average Joe on the street does not understand all of the possible bad outcomes. I can almost hear him now:

"They said '100 percent hotties.' I thought that meant it was fun. I thought gay sex was OK…Now I have all these diseases. Big Gay has wrecked my life."

In the immoral words of Warren G, "Regulators!! Mount up!"


In another 2002 article, classily titled "College Girls: Unpaid Whores," Sabia laments that feminists have led college girls to stop trying to be like the Holy Virgin Mary and instead to aspire to be more like that hussy Ally McBeal.

No, really.

As women have strayed from the church, they have replaced what is holy with what is temporally pleasing. For Catholics, the model woman is Mary, the virgin Mother of God. She is beloved by the faithful for her unflappable devotion to and trust in God, her nurturing of the Son of Man, and her deep love for all humanity.

Today's college girl looks to Ally McBeal, the trollops of Sex in the City, and the floozies on Friends to set their moral compasses.

The sad truth is that college girls are so desperate to find love that they are willing to degrade themselves to get it. But true love can only be understood in the context of the Word of God. Any other notion of "love" is secular and, by definition, limited and finite.

Not only that, but instead of going to college to find a husband, they have boyfriends. Boyfriends they have S-E-X with. And sometimes, not even that. Sometimes they have sex with people just because they want to have sex with people, and not even in exchange for Valentine's Day cards or money!

Additionally, other sex-based relationships have become commonplace. In recent years, a new and disturbing arrangement known as "friends with benefits" has emerged. In this arrangement, men are not even forced to perform the normal duties of boyfriends, i.e. flowers, Valentine's Day cards, rides to the abortion clinic, etc. Instead, girls consider these guys "just friends" whom they happen to screw every now and again. No strings, no attachments, no dinners. Just sex when they feel like it.

This type of arrangement is the next logical step in the direction that young women have drifted in the last few decades. These women have become unpaid whores. At least prostitutes made a buck off of their trade. These women just give it away.

How cute! He was like the ur-incel, basically.

Anyway, following the discovery of the posts, the House Education and Workforce Committee's GOP communications director Kelley McNabb told Politico that "members were uncomfortable moving forward on the hearing." A more optimistic person might think this was a step forward, that maybe those committee members actually thought it was bad to suggest that being gay means being a disease-ridden monster or that college girls are whores, but it's probably more to avoid embarrassment than anything else. Guess they'll have to start from scratch and find a crappy economist who will tell them what they want to hear about the minimum wage but who doesn't have an embarrassing Geocities blog in their past. Good luck with that!


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