Here Are Your Strange Anthony Weiner Photoshop Contest Things, Congratulations, You All Lost

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Hey, Wonkers, we know we said we'd be giving somebody second place in our Anthony Weiner Photoshop Extravaganza (first place went to shirtlesselfiedarth™ already, for the image we used to announce the contest), but at the very moment we were judging the entries, the Sekrit Chatcave was overwhelmed by an essay containing such epic grad-student jargon and whininess that it just put all your little dick jokes into perspective and made us realize that none of your efforts, not even SayItWithWookies' Dali-themed Blingee above (we especially like the '61 Chevy lowrider), could possibly add anything to The Discourse ever again -- not that you are supposed to add to the discourse, because that is appropriative, and also theft. And so, the winner of our photoshop contest and all other photoshop contests forever, even at other blogs, is Jessie-Lane Metz, for her outstanding contribution to surrealism titled "Ally-phobia: On the Trayvon Martin Ruling, White Feminism, and the Worst of Best Intentions." Yes, we recognize that technically, it is not a "photoshop" and it is not "about" Anthony Weiner, but it is far more hilarious and bizarre than any of your actual entries. Also, TRIGGER WARNING.


For instance, consider this image by reader "hillarywhore1," which recenters whiteness as a socially constructed thingum that makes us glad that, once we escaped academe, we stopped having to try to spit out a lot of critical theory jargon. But look, it is a white man being violent and not nearly intersectional enough! Also, something something phallologocentrism.

But it is as nothing in comparison to the exquisitely political pain experienced by Ms. Metz when she reads white would-be "allies" relating stories about racism, or even taking hard looks at their own:

When a person of colour speaks to their own experiences of racism, they are speaking to a collective pain, and speaking truth to power. When a person with white skin privilege gives an anecdote about racism, whether their own or someone else’s, they are exposing more racialized people to this discrimination, and reasserting their own privilege.

Which is to say, white people do not get to talk about racism if they include any examples, or are self-reflective, because it will be painful for graduate students, especially Jessie-Lane Metz, to think about. So do not ignore racism! But do not talk about or examine racism! You are appropriating stuff, and also triggering sadness. How such delicate flowers can smash the hegemonic patriarchy will have to be worked out at a later date!

Also, all your other entries were awful, and we're just going to award third prize to this thing that Donald Trump tweeted today, THE END:

[theToast]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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