Here's A Jaunty Gay-Hatin' Campaign Song For Republicans, Since They Can't Use Any Others
Republican candidates have this problem every single time they try to do campaigns. They think, "Hey, I have always loved that song by [insert artist here], I'll use that!" And then they get a cease-and-desist letter, or a lawsuit, from the artist, saying "I hate you so much, you are not worthy of my song, you dirty disgusting wingnut." It happened last week, when dumb Donald Trump thought it would be a good idea to use Neil Young's "Rockin' In The Free World" during his campaign announcement. No dice, Donald. But there is hope on the horizon!
You see, there is a new religious right movie-film called "Light Wins," about how all fags and lezzies are going to hell or something -- you know, a family flick -- and Right Wing Watch reports that it has a theme song! Now, conservative Christians aren't known for writing good music, or doing anything creative really, but we think you'll agree that this is going to be the hit song of the summer, the one the Duggars will NOT be able to stop doing side-hugs and getting pregnant to:
From the moment of conception when our lives began (because you didn't get aborted!)
Through the sacred union of one woman and one man (because yr mom and dad weren't queers!)
The way, the truth, the life, we are a part of His design
The one who made the stars created us to shine
Wandering through darkness that was never meant to be
Where there is no light, your people cannot see
No matter how loud it's shouted sin is not a civil right! (FAGS!)
And calling evil good will never make it right. (FAGS AGAIN!) ...
Oh fuck it, you get the idea. But isn't that a great song? It's, like, almost as good as that ridiculous "ex-gay" anthem from a few years back.
This song is especially good news for Rand Paul and Mike Huckabee, as Right Wing Watch ALSO reports that they are in the gay-hating film! So there you go, boys. You've got a song now, because you're not allowed to use much of anything else. And Ted Cruz is covered, because somebody wrote him a hip-hoppity song already. And Ben Shapiro's dad wrote that really shitty "pro-life" song, GOP candidates can use that. Maybe a Victoria Jackson song? And if nothing else, fall back on the rudimentary musical stylings of Ted Nugent, pictured above.
But here are some GOOD songs Republicans definitely CAN'T use:
1. Nothing by Beyoncé, because Mike Huckabee knows she is a whooooooore: