Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is 'The Devil'

Herman Cain Has Found The Real Groper, And It Is 'The Devil'

Herman Cain has spent the past two years trying to clear his name of wrongful accusations that he groped that lady, and the other lady, and that third chick, and we think two other ones as well it is hard to keep straight! That is, he has been working to clear his name for the past two years except for the part where he has done anything to try to clear his name. This is because when one isaccused of sexxxxytime shenanigans and quid pro ew behaviors, it is important to stand and fight them in a timely manner, unless you don't really have anything to back you up.

But Herman Cain does! He has "evidence"! And that "evidence" leads him to state unequivocally that he has found the real groper, and that groper is The Devil, squeezing and frottaging all up in those women's brains until they all levitated from their beds and fingered Goody Cain (gross) for a witch! A sexxxxy witch! Let's sexplore!

Cain said if he challenged the allegations at the time, "it would have been a huge distraction." A presidential campaign "is like drinking from a fire hydrant" and so is a bad time to give a considered response scandalous allegations of that nature.

Yes, you definitely want to wait until a year after the campaign is over in which you are running for president to clear your name, because clearing your name in the middle of the campaign in which you are running for president would absolutely be a "distraction." At least, it would be a "distraction" from the totally untrue allegations anyway.

The first charges that were reported, by a still-anonymous woman, "went to the [Equal Employment Opportunity Commission] and were dismissed," Cain said.

Hmmm, we are not seeing anything on the Internet about that, not even at, like, ConservativeBlackPeopleOr AtLeastOneConservativeBlackGuyButWhatever.com. But we do know his job ponied up $80 thousand to two women who did not seem so much to enjoy working for him, because of the groping. So there is that?

Celebrity attorney Gloria Allred held a press conference for her client, Sharon Bialek, who accused Cain of groping her over a decade ago. During that presser, Allred waved around alleged affidavits that she said corroborated her client's story. Cain said that no one has even seen Allred's affidavits.

That seemed a stretch -- an attorney waiving affidavits around at a press conference and reporters not insisting on verifying those documents. But after some digging, nothing. A search for it on the Smoking Gun website reveals a big goose egg, for instance.

Oh, wait, so the media is the real sexual harasser, for not asking to see Bialek's affidavits about how Herman Cain grabbed her junk and asked her "you want a job, right?" Well, that is just Science Fact. We are looking at you, Richard Cohen. And Bill O'Reilly. And fuck, the media really is the real groper!

As for the third woman, Ginger White, who accused Cain of an affair, Cain said she was in court for libel at the same time he ended his campaign. "She ultimately was found guilty and was assessed a judgment," he told me with a good helping of contempt for the media for under-reporting it.

Ginger White did not show up to court, and a default judgment was ordered. You know what our mama always says: DO NOT fail to appear!

Then he speculated as to who may have orchestrated the allegations: the Devil.

"It made me realize that there was a force bigger than right," Cain said.

Well, we are convinced. Case closed, everybody! We look forward to Cain's sexual harassment lawsuit, Herman Cain v. Beelzebub. Those depositions are going to be fuckin' amazing.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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