Heroic U.S. Gov't Allows Nerds To Void Their iPhone Warranty


Hands off, Steve Jobs!Remember when the Obama Administration was going to undo all the attacks on civil liberties that were perpetrated under the Bush Administration? Guantanamo shut down, DOMA repealed, no more secret prisons or eavesdropping, etc. None of that has happened, obviously, but the most important institution within the executive branch -- the Copyright Office -- recently struck a blow for Freedoms everywhere, by allowing iPhone users to "jailbreak" their phones. (Breaking out of actual jails is still illegal, however.)

The Electronic Freedom Foundation, which is an actual good crusading organization for unfettered liberty on the Internet (i.e., p0rn), trumpeted their triumph in this press release:

The first of EFF's three successful requests clarifies the legality of cell phone "jailbreaking" -- software modifications that liberate iPhones and other handsets to run applications from sources other than those approved by the phone maker. More than a million iPhone owners are said to have "jailbroken" their handsets in order to change wireless providers or use applications obtained from sources other than Apple's own iTunes "App Store," and many more have expressed a desire to do so. But the threat of DMCA liability had previously endangered these customers and alternate applications stores.

In its reasoning in favor of EFF's jailbreaking exemption, the Copyright Office rejected Apple's claim that copyright law prevents people from installing unapproved programs on iPhones: "When one jailbreaks a smartphone in order to make the operating system on that phone interoperable with an independently created application that has not been approved by the maker of the smartphone or the maker of its operating system, the modifications that are made purely for the purpose of such interoperability are fair uses."

So, all you people who just bought iPhone 4s and are wishing that you could install all those sexxxy apps rejected from the App Store: Rejoice! You won't go to jail for this, though if you accidentally reduce it to a fused metal lump of porn, don't go crying to Apple for a refund.

But is all Free, electronically? Maybe not! Al Franken urged the nerds at the Netroots conference to fight for Net Neutrality, because otherwise the three companies that will soon control all corporate media will allow some websites to load more quickly than others! Your Wonkette would not be able to afford the bribes necessary for smooth Internet functioning, so please petition your elected officials on this matter at once. Only when you have achieved this task should you start installing unauthorized smut on your iPhone. [EFF/Huffington Post]

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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

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STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!


When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!


[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

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