Hey Glenn Beck, How Was Your Butt Surgery?
Dear CNN Headline News dingus Glenn Beck -- thanks for letting us know all about your ASS SURGERY on esteemed website CNN.com today under the common guise of "Put the 'care' back in health care." I know this doesn't sound appealing. But it's solid.
My "routine" outpatient surgery (which was on my butt -- get all your sophomoric jokes out of the way now) went awry and I was in terrible, excruciating pain. To help, my doctors who were absolutely fantastic, created a sinister cocktail of pain medications so strong that it's usually reserved only for Hollywood starlets. It included morphine, Percocet, Toradol, some sort of synthetic morphine derivative on a pump, and my personal favorite -- Fentanyl, which my doctor told me is an opiate 80 times more powerful than morphine.
That combination took me to an incredibly dark place. I began having trouble breathing, and I started to hallucinate. Every time I closed my eyes it was like I entered my very own movie theater running the movie "Saw" on a loop. I would see horrific, unimaginable images of death and after two and a half days, the combination of pain and hallucinations drove me to a point where I was literally suicidal. It felt like there was no hope and, quite honestly, if I could have ended it all right at that moment I probably would have (Sorry to disappoint some of you).
And that's the story of how Glenn Beck's minor ass surgery scored him lots of great drugs which made him "suicidal."