Hey Government, Here's How You Throw Over Kim Jong Il!


Every human with a brain clearly understands that the best way to "deal with North Korea" at this point or really any point is to nuke Kim Jong Il in the butt, kill all of its civilians (children first, because what do they know?), donate the women to Wall Street banks which can use them as reserves against further drops in mortgage-backed securities, e-mail Texas' oil to North Korean aquifers so that it might be drilled up, for profit, Establish Free Markets of dildo retail chains, and what else, oh right, let American colonizers vote for shit periodically. This is the respectable centrist opinion, and the government is ready to just run with it once it gets maybe 2 or 3 more specific details about how to actually carry out the invasion of this country. Fortunately, for them, a Pajamas Mediacolumnist has UMM ALREADY DONE THIS?

Internet person Nicholas Guariglia, in a creative column titled "The U.S. Should Overthrow Kim Jong Il," knows most things about the world so pay attention: first you tell Kim Jong Il that if anyone in the world sets off a nuclear bomb in America, for whatever reason, as part of whatever cause, in association with any organization, America will blame Kim Jong Il. Because if you think America would "investigate to see whether or not Kim Jong Il was involved," well sorry, welcome to Texas. (?)

First, we should reestablish deterrence with a statement or doctrine of “nuclear culpability.” We should say to Kim: “You’ve been caught proliferating nuclear know-how in black market networks and to our enemies in Iran, Syria, Libya, and elsewhere. As long as you continue this behavior, be forewarned: should a nuclear bomb go off in an American city or that of our allies, we will hold you responsible — along with the culprits. We will assume you were involved somehow, either directly or indirectly.”

No, but really.

This would seriously mess up Kim’s feng shui.

Next: make Japan build nukes, gotta get nukes. Couldn't America just FedEx a few of its own nukes to Japan, since America is the one ordering Japan to become an active nuclear warrior? No, that's socialism. Besides, those Japanese, they know math and shit, and they build cars, so how long would a nuclear program take them, a long weekend at most?

Third, we should let Japan go nuclear. Charles Krauthammer recommends this approach, which makes great geopolitical sense. We should encourage the Japanese to amend their pacifistic constitution and start popping out A-bombs like Toyotas. A nuclear Japan is no reason to fret: it is a mature democracy, a loyal ally, and a responsible and civilized society. This isn’t the ’40s anymore.

Got it? We don't have to worry about Japan anymore! Guariglia just told us, right there, that Japan is in fact not the fascist empire allied with Adolf Hitler and the Nazis anymore.

The rest is obvious enough, but just in case: get Japan to threaten nuclear war with China, drop maybe three or four (nothing much) of those Toyota Bombs on their cities if they're hestitant, China can go into North Korea and fuck with their fucking shit and then Japan might as well pull a 180 and nuke the Chinese in North Korea and then the U.S. will nuke Japan (again, natch) and Italy or whatever and voila, democracy. And in the rare chance this doesn't work, Barack Obama can obviously send... Donald Rumsfeld... there?

Japan’s nuclearization — which should be temporary and stated as such — would likely worry the Chinese enough to compel them to come down hard on their client state. Getting China to turn on North Korea is the real key and a nuclear Japan would certainly do the trick. Should Beijing remain unfazed by Tokyo going nuclear, maybe President Obama could send Don Rumsfeld on another one of those “special envoy” ambassadorships — this time, to the Far East to call China’s bluff on Taiwan.

Eat shit and die.

Enough is enough. Kim Jong Il has proven he will stop at nothing to produce and proliferate nuclear weapons, and that is a no-no. Diplomacy has failed. Talking for the sake of talking is not working. Serious powers ought to be emphasizing results, not process. “Soft power” is a problem cured by Cialis — not a national security strategy for North Korea. It’s time we started working to bring that twisted, Lilliputian, Chia Pet miscreant down.

The U.S. Should Overthrow Kim Jong Il [PJ Media]


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