Hey New Pope, Maybe You Could Ssshhhhhh About The Mafia, Thanks


Dear New Pope, Francis 1, aka "Hey, it's me, the Pope!":

We at Wonket are just about your biggest fans, with the "next John XXIII" stuff, and the not hating gays as much as usual, and the defrocking of people not for being Liberation Theologists but for being too fancy while the flock goes unclothed. Even most of our Terrible Ones, the commenters, are getting to the point where they like you in spite of themselves and ARGLEBARGLE ALTAR BOYZZZZZ!!!1!

So could you maybe hush your mouth about the Mafia? Just ssshhhhh. Zip it. ZIP. IT. Zip it. New Pope, we are sure your reward is on heaven, but we'd prefer that you stay a little longer here first.

Just two weeks ago-ish we learned that prosecutors are warning that Pope Francis I is pissing off the Mafia

by reforming the "scandal-scarred" Vatican Bank, which we always just assumed was watched over by the same Jews goblins as protect the gold in Gringotts. But no, apparently it is the Mafia, and you wouldn't like them when they have a Sad.

Now, random nuns are sending the pontiff packages of pictures of dead children killed by Mafia toxic waste (we did not know this was a thing; we assumed their body count came a little quicker and with less cancer), and the pope is hitting up those random nuns on their cellphones.

[Sister Teresa] said that, during the middle of her fifth-grade class, her cellphone began to ring, and when she answered, the voice said, “It’s the Pope, Pope Bergoglio!”

Of course you did. But why were you burning up her digits?

She told Corriere del Mezzogiorno that she had sent some photos to Pope Francis of children in Italy who died from cancer after the mafia discarded toxic materials in their communities.

Hey New Pope, that is fucked, we agree with you! But please care less about it. And you know all those people who thought you should have singlehandedly stopped the Argentine Dirty War, or at least got yourself martyred properly by trying? Pay them no mind. We need you here for a while yet, or all the pissed-off Opus Dei types will vote in Ratzinger II: The Mussoliniing.




Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc