sex crimes

Steve King Wants To Thank Rape And Incest For The Wheel And Lightbulb

That guy doing a doubletake dot gif.

We know Republicans are generally opposed to abortion rights and overall bodily autonomy for women. But they don't always accuse Margaret Sanger of personally murdering black babies and promote false narratives about imaginary infanticide. Sometimes they discuss pregnancies resulting from rape and incest, and when that happens, they compete for "Worst Statement Ever Uttered By A Person."

The previous record holder on this subject was Rick Santorum. When he was running for president in 2012, he who cannot be Googled suggested that rape pregnancies were a Spencer's gift from God, and only ungrateful skanks would consider exchanging them.

SANTORUM: I've always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.

You don't even get store credit from heaven. Carry your rapist's baby and wear this ugly sweater God also got you.

Now unrepentant white supremacist Steve King has outgrossed Santorum. That's the benefit of having no committee assignments. You can workshop your material. King spoke today at the Westside Conservative Club and defended his opposition to rape and incest exceptions in anti-abortion legislation he tried to pass.

KING: It's not the baby's fault for the sin of the father, or of the mother.

The pregnant rape victim hasn't committed a "sin" of any sort. King is "both sides"-ing rape here. This is the usual social conservative claptrap, absent any empathy or compassion -- at least for any currently living humans. King's no common Todd Akin. He believes that rape and incest can in fact lead to pregnancy. He just thinks this has somehow positively benefited human civilization.

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History Facts

What Do Millennial Snowflakes Know About Fascists, Shootings, And Death? A Idiot Asks, We Answer!

Go to hell Marc Thiessen, you dick.

Former George W. Bush administration speechwriter and torture justifier Marc Thiessen has a message for the spoiled young people of today: You have nothing to complain about because what if you were fighting the Nazis in World War II, huh? Now stop sniveling and vote Republican! In a Washington Post opinion piece he's no doubt very proud of, Thiessen makes the very persuasive case that none of today's problems are real problems because it is no longer the Nazi occupation of Poland.

American millennials have a lot of complaints about their lot in life. So here's a question for them: When is the last time you had to walk through a sewer waist-high in human filth, choking on the toxic ammonia, yet unable to cough for fear of alerting the Nazi SS soldiers on the street above — knowing that if you did, they would open a manhole cover and toss in grenades or poison gas to kill you?

No, what do young people know about violence that might find them while they are unable to cough -- or use the toilet -- in fear?

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Filibuster! Joe Biden Don't Even Know Her!

Get it? A joke!

The Senate filibuster is a source of great debate among Democrats. Our girl Elizabeth Warren is all "fuck the filibuster," because she has a brain in her head, plans on her website, and no interest in continuing a parliamentary procedure whose "noble" legacy includes attempts to block civil rights legislation.

Unfortunately, other Democrats running for president are protective of the filibuster because they're chumps. Sen. Cory Booker has said he would "personally resist efforts" to dump the filibuster. This past February, Booker proclaimed, "We should not be doing anything to mess with the strength of the filibuster. It's one of the distinguishing factors of this body." Ted Cruz is also a distinguishing feature of the Senate, but that's not a good excuse for keeping either around.

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand lamented how Republicans nuked the filibuster for judicial appointments and rammed through a series of right-wing hacks. She's right that the filibuster would've kept both Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh off the Supreme Court, but you know what else would've worked? Electing Hillary Clinton. But if Hillary had managed to beat Putin's puppet, she would've had the same troubles as Barack Obama. Senate Republicans were in the minority but relentlessly obstructed Obama for the first six years of his presidency. (Also the last two, but they weren't in the minority then. We guess.)

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Post-Racial America

PragerU Spreading Absurd Lies About Trump's 'Very Fine People' In Charlottesville

It's more fake news from the right wing hacks at Prager 'University.'

Donald Trump grossly defended white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia. We all remember it. It was so objectively awful even average white uncles across the nation were offended, which is why their king and presidential candidate Joe Biden decried Trump's "both sides" BS in his campaign launch video. Biden isn't one for controversial stances unless it's about segregationists.

Charlottesville is a sticking point for conservatives. They must think it's worse than all the countless other racist things Trump has done. Biden at least thinks it's a compelling example for white moderates of Trump's moral unfitness. Maybe this is why the right keeps re-litigating Charlottesville. Right-wing fake university PragerU released a video today called "The Charlottesville Lie." The "lie" CNN commentator Steve Cortes exposes is not Trump's absurd claim that there were "very fine" people on both sides of a Nazi rally. No, the "lie" is the "fake" media's claim that Trump said anything so obviously racist and terrible. We simply didn't see what we saw or hear what we heard. Also, there are five lights. CNN should reconsider the non-fake paychecks it still sends Cortes.

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Post-Racial America

Who Is Mass-Murdering Everyone All The Time? 'Diversity.'

Thanks Tucker, Laura, and President Trump!

Throughout the weekend, amid two tragic mass shootings, and following the massacre at the Gilroy Garlic Festival shooting earlier in the week, conservatives grasped for any possible "explanation" that had nothing to do with how easy it is to get a gun that makes it very easy to kill a lot of people at once. "Mental illness!" they cried. "Video games!" they yelled, as if these things do not also exist in countries where this doesn't happen three times a week.

But perhaps the most nauseating reason we've seen put forward for "why this keeps happening here and nowhere else" is — I shit you not — because those other countries are "homogenous" and the United States is diverse. This came as quite a surprise to many residents of Canada, a diverse country that does not have three major mass shootings a week. Yes, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that those countries have gun control, and everything to do with a lack of diversity, because apparently diversity (and not people fear-mongering about diversity) forces young men who are mad about diversity to go kill a bunch of people. And diversity, not their bigotry, is the real problem. Sure.

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Nice Time

Nancy Pelosi And Ilhan Omar Go Back Where We ALL Came From

Dems in This Array!

Ilhan Omar posted a fine couple of photos to Twitter on Thursday to remind Donald Trump he's not getting her down, not one bit. Members of the Congressional Black Caucus (and other members of Congress) were visiting Ghana as part of a trip to mark the 400th anniversary of the first slave ships coming to North America. So while visiting the Cape Coast Castle, one of many points from which enslaved people were shipped off to the Americas, Omar posed for a couple of snapshots with Nancy Pelosi, to say they're getting along just fine, and anyone who has a problem with either can just go find a door and not return from it.

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Post-Racial America

Breaking: Ronald Reagan Just As Racist As We Always Knew He Was

You'd better sit down for this.

Ronald Reagan was a lousy racist -- by which we mean he was infested with racism not that he was bad at being racist. The War on Drugs and the vanishing black middle class are the ultimate LinkedIn testimonials to Reagan's enduring work in the field of racism. Now that Putin's president is in the White House, white folks of all political persuasions like to share videos of Reagan not physically urinating on minorities and immigrants. This is supposedly evidence of how far removed the white nationalist in chief is from Our Fair Reagan. But the street where Ronnie lived was just as racist as Donald Trump's. Black people already knew this, but now we have more evidence of Reagan's racism than just devastated black communities. We have it on tape, which is not always enough for white people, but let's give it a shot anyway.

Back in October 1971, the United Nations voted to recognize the People's Republic of China and expel Taiwan. This annoyed Reagan, then governor of California, so he phoned the White House to complain. Richard Nixon was the current president and few private conversations with him were ever positive or actually private. The creep recorded everything. Reagan shared with Nixon his anger over the African delegates siding against the US. The great communicator sounded like a conservative caller to Rush Limbaugh's radio show.

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History Facts

Dems Can Win If They're More Like Warren G. Harding. Good Call, New York Times!

Poor Warren Gamaliel.

The New York Times ran a forgettable, anodyne "what folks in a swing district think" piece today, and even though we just finished reading it, it's already vanishing from our memory as surely as the hint of citrus flavor in a can of La Croix water. By coincidence, it also left us mildly gassy. The piece spends far too long quoting people pretending to talk like the pundits on TV, in the interest of explaining Today's Dem Voters are looking for "pragmatism" in a candidate. It wraps up with the bizarre recommendation that Democrats may well defeat the worst president ever by adopting a campaign slogan from one of the previous holders of the title. That thought came via a 28-year-old local committee member, Andrew Hayman, in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania.

Mr. Hayman said Democrats' strongest message in 2020 ought to be about expunging the Trump years and returning the country to stability. Democrats, he said, should take a page from President Warren G. Harding, a Republican, and promise a return to normalcy.

"If we just talk about running the government, I think we win on that," he said.

We would like to congratulate Mr. Hayman for remembering one of the only things people recall about ol' Warren G., the other being that he was famously awful. Most folks don't remember why -- just that he was outstandingly mediocre. And sure, we get the point: Show you can get America back to where it was before we all fell into the wormhole, and you'll be president, hooray! It's not altogether terrible advice, although we aren't sure "reassuringly bland" and "might die two years in" is a recipe for beating the Great Conman.

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Immigration Roundup: Oh, Like A Roundup Of Stories And Also We Are Rounding Up *People*, Isn't That Fun?

Not in our name.

While Donald Trump has been trying to get some members of Congress killed, his administration continues its holy mission of attempting to make America such a shithole nation that no one would ever want to seek refuge here. Here are four or five (probably six by the time we post!) things that have happened just since Friday in the name of making this country great.

'You Have No Rights '

Last week, US Customs and Border Protection finally released Francisco Galicia, an 18-year-old US citizen, after holding him for 23 days. Yes, you read that right, a US citizen was kept locked up in a filthy, overcrowded border detention center for just under a month, then transferred to ICE for removal proceedings. When he was arrested at a highway checkpoint in Texas on June 27, Galicia had a wallet version of his birth certificate, his Social Security card, and a Texas ID card. But agents were certain the documents were fake, so they continued to hold him even after his attorney submitted his long-form birth certificate. Because America is being invaded, by American citizens. Galicia was only released after the Dallas Morning News brought attention to his detention.

During his detention, Galicia lost 26 pounds, and says he was pressured by Border Patrol agents to sign papers allowing his deportation. He told CNN, "It was like psychological torture to the point where I almost (agreed to be deported). I felt safer to be in the cell than to be with the officers." The officers threatened to bring felony charges against him for counterfeiting his real documents, and when he asked to call his family and to contact an attorney, was told "You have no rights." Apparently the Border Patrol is getting legal counsel from Twitter now.

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Donald Trump Was The 9/11 First Responder Of Donald Trump's Dreams

This guy really needs to shut the fuck up.

Mr. Rogers liked to say "Look for the helpers," and on 9/11, that helper was definitely Donald Trump, who according to Donald Trump was just really fucking busy that day, helping. The president-in-name-only (PINO, but it's pronounced "peeno") explained this morning how helpful he was that day, and he explained it right to the faces of 9/11 first responders in the Rose Garden for his signing of the 9/11 victims' compensation funding bill the GOP had to be shamed into passing.

What happened on 9/11, Donald?

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Post-Racial America

Sen. Ron Johnson: Remember The '60s, When Expressions Of Racist Fascism Were Cool?

Republicans double down on defending the indefensible.

Republicans have twisted themselves in knots over the past week trying to defend Donald Trump's racist comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley, and Rashida Tlaib. The four congresswomen have the audacity to criticize America's government while in possession of brown skin and lady parts. This is very different from the Tea Party revolt of 2010 or Trump's own 2016 presidential campaign, which he never shuts up about. White people are entitled to trash the government and the changing culture they resent. This land is not in fact your land. It's theirs. They have a deed and everything. Brown people should feel grateful that America's letting them crash in their basement. It's downright rude to complain that the basement is cold, damp, and smells like cat pee. If they don't like it, they can leave. It's not their house.

This sentiment is racist to its core, but Republicans are experts at arguing in bad faith. During an appearance yesterday on CNN's "State of the Union," Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson, whose ass we should've retired in 2016, attempted to whitewash the expression "America, love it or leave it."

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Culture Wars

Sen. Josh Hawley Reaches Out To The Neglected American Herrenvolk

These 'cosmopolitan elites' he's so worried about -- are they rootless?

Josh Hawley, the first-year Republican US Senator from Missouri who promised to protect people with preexisting conditions from his own lawsuit to overturn Obamacare, gave the keynote address at the "National Conservatism Conference" Sunday. It was quite the performance, what with its rousing call to end the "cosmopolitan elite experiment" he says has poisoned America. It was quite a barn-burner, and part of what National Review called the beginnings of an "Intellectual Trumpist" movement, Crom help us. Along the way, he railed against the shadowy international globalists, using a lot of rhetoric that sounded mighty familiar!

Yes, we're calling him a Nazi because he sounds like a goddamn Nazi.

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Post-Racial America

Ay! What The F*ck Is Going On In Puerto Rico?

Ricardo Rossello, you are GET THE FUCK OUT!

Puerto Rico. A beautiful island of enchantment. A place filled with amazing people, great culture, delicious food, and beautiful vistas. But the island is in a fucking uproar due to the clusterfuck of mismanagement from federal (Trump) to local (Ricardo Rosselló's Cabinet).

Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico with a final death count of 2,975, which happens to be the exact number of Americans that died during the September 11 attacks. But while America will "Never Forget" 9/11, unless you're Rand Paul, mismanagement at both the federal and local levels caused those AMERICANS to be largely ignored. While most were (rightly) criticizing Trump for his numerous failures in Puerto Rico, seems Governor Rosselló was doing some undercover dirt.

The Post-Hurricane selfie with Trump really should have been a clue.

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Post-Racial America

Ronald Reagan Wasn't The Martin Luther Rosa Parks Jr. Conservatives Think He Was

In case you were wondering!

The current Republican president is a foaming-at-the-mouth white supremacist who likes to raise lynch mobs against sitting congresswomen of color. As potentially life-threatening as this all is for Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ayanna Pressley (apparently not related to Elvis), and Rashida Tlaib, it's a downright mild inconvenience for other Republicans who don't like people thinking they're racist or even racist-adjacent. Can't we think about their feelings for once?

Jay Nordlinger, senior editor at the National Review, knows who is to blame for today's racial crisis and it's all the "race hustlers" who dared to acknowledge the existence of racism in the past.


Nordinger alludes to the Aesop fable, "The Boy Who Cried Wolf," as if all accusations of racism were a big hoax. "Race hustlers" have fooled white people long enough, so now they're going to let the racist wolves devour us. Conservatives don't even acknowledge a genuine difference of opinion or perspective: "Race hustlers" are just "falsely and maliciously" smearing the good names of Reagan conservatives. And as we all know, Ronald Reagan was a racial saint. Why, when he launched his 1980 presidential campaign, he declared that he would "build his church on the rock of racial harmony." No, wait, what he actually communicated to a crowd in Mississippi was a loud dogwhistle about "states' rights." Jimmy Carter won Mississippi in the 1976 election. He would lose (narrowly) in 1980.

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Rand Paul Forgot 9/11

Twice with this motherfucker today? We are sorry.

BREAKING NEWS! Rand Paul is a spineless dickweasel who uses 9/11 first responders as props for his kabuki dance on fiscal conservatism. Paul, who was thrilled to vote for the Trump tax cut which blew a trillion dollar hole in the deficit, worries that we can't afford healthcare for emergency personnel who got cancer after rushing into the still-burning Twin Towers back in 2001. Okay, to be fair, his "real" objection is that we aren't cutting food stamps or education funding to offset 9/11 healthcare spending. Because if you can't use one vulnerable constituency to bludgeon another, what is even the point, right?

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Karen Tumulty Wants Obama To Stop Goofing Off, Save Us From Trump RIGHT NOW

People keep forgetting Obama's not the president anymore.

When an op-ed begins with "an open letter to Barack Obama," you know you're getting screwed. Karen Tumulty at the Washington Post believes these dark times demand a leader who can "lift us up again." Instead of visiting the website for one of the two dozen Democrats running for president, Tumulty wants to draft Obama, who we feel it necessary to remind you is no longer president of anything.

TUMULTY: Mr. President, it is time. You must speak. Your country needs you.

Seriously, Obama is not the president anymore. He prepared for this eventuality by straight-up begging you fools to vote for Hillary Clinton. He made no secret about how awful he thought Donald Trump would be as president. Why should he leave a comfortable, well-earned retirement because a majority of white people refused to listen? George W. Bush tanked the economy and got to spend his post-presidency finger painting while the poor saps whose retirement savings went up in smoke had to start working at Wal-Mart. [Why Stephen is using this as a point is beyond me: EVEN REPUBLICANS DIDN'T WANT W BACK, FOR THE REASON HE JUST SAID. Fucking Stephen! -- Ed.]

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