A Very Smart Post About Evangelicals, Trump, Michele Bachmann, AND A SURPRISE

Whoa hey you guys, blast from the past, but Michele Bachmann A) is still a tree that falls in the forest even if literally nobody is around to hear it make a sound and B) TIMBERRRRRRRR!

She was on one o' them prophesyin' radio shows, little outfit called "Understanding the Times," and she said:

"In my lifetime I have never seen a more biblical president than I have seen in Donald Trump," Bachmann [said]. "He is highly biblical and I would say to your listeners [that] we will, in all likelihood, never see a more godly, biblical president again in our lifetime. So we need to be not only praying for him, we need to support him, in my opinion, in every possible way that we can."

Ayup yup yup yup yup. Yup yup yup yup yup.


Yup yup yup yup yup yup.

So I said to the Lord Donald Trump, "you promised me, Lord Dear Leader, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?

The Lord Donald Trump replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints ...

is when I was carrying you by the pussy."

Ayup yup yup yup yup.

Annnnnnnnnnd Michele Bachmann also said a thing about how we need to pray for God to expose the Deep State, so we guess Michele Bachmann's "God" is one of Devin Nunes's cows or something.

We get what she's saying, though. No, this is serious talk, hear us out! (That's right, JOKES ARE OVER for this post, because putting a grab 'em by the pussy joke in the Footprints poem was just fucking art, OK, and you have gotten more than your money's worth already.)

Used to be, conservative evangelical voters were useful idiots for the establishment GOP, sweaty rubes they played for culture war votes during campaigns then mostly ignored except for throwing a few meaningless bones every now and then. With Trump, they are useful idiots being used for their votes by a con-man, but in THIS case, they are getting like at least three more bones per month! It's like they understand they'll always be somebody's useful idiots, and if that's the case, they're going with the thrice-married adulterer pussy-grabber piece of shit who sells America's institutions to the highest bidder. Because hey, HE'S PACKING THE COURTS! He banned the transgenders from the military! He's legit racist, and, like ... so are they!

This is why it's actually stupid and counter-productive to constantly point out to them that Trump is an amoral piece of shit who probably doesn't even say grace before he sinks his chompers into 40 Big Macs every night. They don't care. For all their proclamations about their morality, they actually give zero organic free range cage-free shits about morality. They care about winning and imposing their theocratic beliefs on people, thereby preserving the white patriarchy without which they don't even understand where they fit in society.

Donald Trump is just smart enough that he knew early on that he needed to grab conservative Christian voters by the pussy and refuse to let go early and often. (They just let him do it, because he's a celebrity.)

Hey, remember that time Trump rushed directly from North Carolina to the Moscow Miss Universe pageant in 2013 because he was literally coming straight from Billy Graham's fucking birthday party? Believe us, it's not because he and the reverend were prayer partners. He reportedly knew way back then that he was setting himself up for a presidential run (a distinctly Russian one), and he was cultivating the kings and the queens of all the useful fucking idiots, and guess who is one of his most craven fucking loser piece of shit supporters to this very day? That's right, Franklin Graham, the thing what sprung from Billy's loins.

Funny how that happened.

In summary and in conclusion, this has been a post about Michele Bachmann, which is just something that's rarely said on the internet these days, so we imagine she's pleased. This has also been a post about how it's a waste of your goddamned time to play "gotcha!" games with conservative Christian Trump supporters using metrics of common morality, because they weren't distinctly moral beings in the first place, IN JESUS'S NAME, AMEN.

[Talking Points Memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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