Hopey Loves the Little Children, All the Children of The World


Well hello there, you dirty little hamsters! What didyou do this week? Jack off to shirtless photos of Carl Paladino advisor and known titty enthusiast Roger Stone? Stretch your intellectual muscles by taking in a Christine O'Donnell television special? Or, haha, maybe you burned down a house, for Christ! Whatever you did, it was not as awesome as even one of the multitude of poops Barack Obama took this week, and you fucking know it. Come with me as we review our Dear Leader's West Wing Week!

On Monday, Bamz talked about infrastructure. This is a sexy word that can mean many things, but mostly it is used to discuss roads and crap. Bonus for fans of Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian "John Krasinski" Mosteller: he shows up at 0:37 - 0:40, just cold makin' shit happen. Am I the only one who understands how fucking cute this guy is? Also, Obama says nearly one in five construction workers is out of a job. Brian Mosteller would look so cute in a construction worker hat. Coincidence? I don't fucking think so.

After talking about railroads and sidewalks or something, Bamz met with the young stars of a celebrated underground snuff film, Waiting for Superman. This is a Spinal Tap-esque mockumentary about what would happen if the nation's capital city had the shittiest fucking schools outside the slums of São Paulo. Ha-ha, that would be so embarrassing. (Of note: When I was getting my M.A. in teachery from Teachers College at Columbia University, everyone worked in New York City public schools. However, we spoke of the D.C. system in hushed, terrified tones. "If you say the words 'D.C. Public Schools' too loudly," someone would say ominously, "You have to work there." Then we would all scream and flee to the warm, welcoming bosom of Harlem or perhaps the South Bronx.)

On Tuesday, Obama met with finalists in the National Youth Entrepreneurship Challenge. These adorable tykes have come up with various innovative ways to sell crack cocaine to wealthy white youth and to move harvested dongs around the thriving black market, for dicks.

On Wednesday, Bamz discussed the American Opportunity Tax Credit for College Students Who Also Enjoy A Hearty Kegstand, Brah. Again with the youth visiting the White House! The real question is this: Why can Barack Obama not stay away from children? The answer is not at all pervy, you jerks. He simply feeds off their life-essence, because he is a Kenyan vampire.

On Thursday, Obama went to BET, a channel that shares MTV's noble mission of making 13-year-old girls hate themselves. He appeared on 106 & Park to review all the hot summer jams and offer his assessment of Nicki Minaj's ass. Then everyone separated into breakout sessions in order to discuss the many ways in which BET honors the rich mosaic of experiences among the females of the African Diaspora. Obama recited a Nikki Giovanni poem from memory, and the multicultural crowd of young people cried, applauded, and successfully defended their Ph.D. theses.

Have a great weekend, fuckos! I'll be holed up in NYC, masturbating to thoughts of Christine O'Donnell riding a broomstick straight up Chris Coons's asshole.


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