Horrifying Health Care Myths, Debunked!
It has come to our attention here at Cartoon Violence that many of you do not understand the difficult-to-understand details of the multiple mutually contradictory Obamacare plans currently weaving their way through the opaque, byzantine legislative process! This makes it more likely that you'll fall for one of the terrible lies about health care reform that your aunt is sending you from her AOL address. In response, we have presented the only thing more convincing than an email that has been forwarded multiple times, with all the header information retained, and that's a series of goofy cartoons! Once you read these and understand the truth, you are to call the CIA and have your aunt shipped to Bagram, at once.
Myth: Barack Obama will bring your beloved friends and family members back from the dead.
Truth: While no one can revive the truly deceased, the proposed health care reforms will contain provisions guarding against the tragedy of accidentally burying the extremely ill and slow-moving alive. All coroners will be required by law to loudly and clearly ask the suspected deceased, in both English and Spanish, whether or not they're dead; additional benefits include cell phones installed in coffins so that those prematurely interred can call for help if needed, and repeated corpse defibrillations "just in case."
Myth: Under Obamacare, seniors will be brought into secret underground chambers, where Death Panels will assess their fitness to survive as well as their potential social contributions, with those found wanting immediately being taken to an even more carefully hidden facility where they will be quietly euthanized.
Truth: The scenario outlined above is a ludicrous one because it offers very little return for the American taxpayer's money. Instead, seniors will be dropped down steep mountainsides to their death at random, and their terrible agonies will be broadcast on television for our amusement.
Myth: Just as honest, God-fearing Americans are being denied their Constitutional rights to scream deranged obscenities at elected officials at town hall meetings, so too will future patients of socialized American medicine be forbidden to subject their doctors to rambling diatribes about their misguided political opinions while receiving health care services.
Truth: There is no cure for people's tendency to take whatever they see or hear in their current environment and shoehorn it into some kind lunatic blather about whatever their latest wrong-headed political obsessions are. This is because human beings are essentially awful and irredeemable.
Myth: Young, hearty Americans will be forced to bring their elderly relatives to government-run liquidation centers, and will receive payment in return, under the new "Cash for Geezers" program.
Truth: There's no way to make such a system work financially, as no method has been found to extract economic benefit of any kind from the withered, husk-like bodies of old people. But do not worry, faithful readers! Your government scientists are working hard on the case to surmount this difficulty!
Myth: In order to make medical records portable without unduly compromising patient privacy, all Americans will have the most important points of their medical histories tattooed directly onto their buttocks.
Truth: As Revelation 13:17-18 so succinctly puts it, "And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six." I don't see any reference to ass cheeks there, blasphemer.