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Religion

Joel Osteen Gonna Use Coronavirus To Bring More Souls To The Lord!

And by 'souls' to 'Lord,' we mean 'money' to 'own pocket.' ALLEGEDLY.

Update: Joel Osteen responded to the shaming and bad publicity, and has moved his church's services online. All other shit-talking in this post stands, obviously.

Joel Osteen, pastor of Houston's Lakewood Church megachurch, is a "prosperity gospel" grifter. The televangelist, whose Texas church was once known as the Compaq Center and home of the Houston Rockets NBA Team, has decided "the money show must go on," as they are keeping services going amid a global pandemic.

As reported by TMZ and confirmed by the Lakewood Church website, Osteen had his church open Wednesday night and plans on having the church continue for four more services Saturday and Sunday night. With a seating capacity for 16,800 churchgoers each service and a size of 606,000 square feet, that is a potential of 67,200 moneybags churchgoers being put at risk. With TV shows, concerts, parades, professional and college sports events going without audiences, postponed or cancelled for public health safety as instructed by the CDC & World Health Organization (WHO), it's especially egregious that Osteen would put his flock at risk like this.

But for the likely answer why Joel Osteen is ignoring health warnings and precautions to put his flock and the greater Houston area at risk, we merely have to travel to the wayback time of August 2017. You see, Hurricane Harvey was a Category 4 storm that hit Texas on August 25, 2017. Harvey caused $125 billion in damage, according to the National Hurricane Center. The intense winds and rain caused mass flooding and many in the Houston area had to evacuate to hurricane shelters or makeshift ones made by Good Samaritans like Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale, owner of Gallery Furniture, who invited the displaced to shelter in his stores. Many places of worship of all faiths at that time opened their doors to flood victims.

All except Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church, which received heavy criticism and brutal mockery for its decision to close its doors to evacuees, after pushing claims of church flooding that were quickly debunked.

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fox news

Trump Fox Town Hall Like Any Of His Usual Garbage Hitler Rallies, But Acoustic

Those Trump/Biden debates are gonna rock!

Donald Trump took time from his hectic schedule watching Fox News to attend a Fox News town hall Thursday. The setting was more intimate than his usual boisterous hate rallies. Consider it "Donald Trump Unplugged." It wasn't all cheering for his greatest hits, however. Pointed questions were asked about the coronavirus crisis, and the president's answers were both gross and inaccurate.

TRUMP: It's gonna all work out. Everyone has to be calm.

He also believes we can make lemonade from global pandemic lemons. I'd not advise drinking this lemonade.

TRUMP: I have to say, people are now staying in the United States, spending their money in the US, and I like that. You know, I have been after that for a long time. You know that. I have been saying, "Let's stay in the US, spend your money here" and they are doing that. They're sort of enforced doing that.

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Hot Mess

Hot Take: Anonymous Jerks Probably Shouldn't Torture Pigeons For Fun

May those responsible suffer a lifetime of pigeon crapped hair.

Some attention-seeking creeps showed the libs this week before the Democratic debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. The self-proclaimed "underground radical group" P.U.T.I.N. outfitted pigeons with pigeon-sized "Make America Great Again" hats on their heads. The pigeons were released on Tuesday in advance of the debate as an annoying and pointless protest.

P.U.T.I.N. is short for Pigeons United To Interfere Now. A group member with the alias "Coo Hand Luke" freely confessed to the Las Vegas Review Journal that P.U.T.I.N. used eyelash glue to keep the hats on the pigeons' heads.

From the Review-Journal:.

COO HAND LUKE: It's what women use to put around their eyes for eyelash extensions. The hats usually stay on for a day or two, depending on the bird's movements. We can also remove them ourselves as they fly back to the coop. They could be gone for a day, two days or a week, but they always come back.

This abomination unto the lord was intended to serve as an "aerial protest piece in response to the arrival of the 2020 Democratic debate," which would've occurred regardless of whether pigeons were tortured. In fact, it's highly possible that if P.U.T.I.N. had issued an ultimatum in keeping with its "Get Smart" villain-style name, the Democrats would've postponed the debate. P.U.T.I.N. might've saved Mike Bloomberg from Elizabeth Warren.

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White Nonsense

Candace Owens Says Bernie Sanders Is As Racist As The Guy Who Passed The Civil Rights Act

Owens says Sanders is 'Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0' because she's really dumb.

Candace Owens doesn't believe in racism. She has testified as much before an astounded Congress that just wanted her to hurry up and deliver them the pizza they ordered. She does however believe in the imaginary form of racism practiced by liberals who try to pass anti-discrimination laws.

During an appearance Monday on Laura Ingraham's white power hour, Owens defended Mike Bloomberg from accusations of racism. You'd think Bloomberg has enough money to prevent Owens from "helping" him or even saying his name out loud. Owens argued that Bloomberg isn't racist. No, the "best" racist on the Left is Bernie Sanders ... because of socialism?

OWENS: [Sanders] pretends to be their friend. He lies to black America's face when he knows that he's going to be the one like Lyndon Baines Johnson. He's Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0 who is going to enact policies that are going to harm black America for the next 100 years.

When she was in high school, Owens sued the Stamford, Connecticut, public schools for racial discrimination, but she also should have filed a claim against whoever taught her American history. If Sanders were to literally campaign as "Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0," he'd win South Carolina in a landslide. LBJ is arguably black people's favorite president after Barack Obama. One of my aunts had a set of LBJ commemorative plates. This is because most black people have brains in their head and remember that President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965. That's worth a lifetime pass to the cookout.

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Healthcare

Can We Please Talk About How Pete Buttigieg's Healthcare Plan Is Absolutely Bonkers?

Just because you SAY something is pragmatic...

Since the beginning of the primaries, both Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders have been grilled, endlessly, about their health care plans and how they plan to implement them and exactly how much they will cost and how they probably terrify all of the voters who love their health insurance companies so very much. As much as I would give my right arm for someone to ask one of the anti-Medicare-For-All candidates how they intend to pay for their plans or how they expect those plans to cost less than what we are paying now if they don't have any of the cost-saving benefits of Medicare For All, that's not going to happen.

And it doesn't totally matter. Asking them about this is like asking me about my plans for all the stuff I bought at Michael's when I decided I was gonna get into macrame for a hot minute. You know and I know I'm never going to actually get around to it, but we can all pretend that at some point I am going to make a lovely wall hanging of some kind.

All the other candidates have to say, in order to not be questioned any further, is that health insurance companies are amazing and benevolent entities that everyone loves, that their plans will only cover the people who "want" to be covered, and hint to rich people that they will not have to use the same health insurance as all the grubby poors. Like my macrame plans, no one needs to actually know the logistics.

However. Pete Buttigieg's "plan" is legitimately insane.

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Sex

CPAC's Hottest Sexxx Play This Year Not Shame Secret Grindr Hookups, Allegedly!

Just kidding, the sad closet case Grindr hookups at CPAC will probably still be hotter than this limp turd.

Fire up your bathing suit regions, CPAC, because for the first time ever, you are going to get a theatrical drama sexxx show!

That's right, one night only, get your tickets now, or get your tickets at the door, or drop some quarters in a guitar case to see if you can get the actors to do it again later at 10 the next morning in the parking lot, because Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson (Wingnut TV Superman and Original-Not-As-Good-As-The-TV-Version Buffy) will be bringing their surely Tony-worthy performance of Secret Boner Society In My Pants: The Musical! to the Broadway stage Off Broadway stage off the highway next to the rest stop stage CPAC stage on Friday, February 27!

OK maybe that is not the real title, but we wanted to say that one because ours is better. Actually it is called FBI Lovebirds: Undercover, and it is not a musical, but rather just a dramatic reading of the texts and congressional testimonies of former FBI officials Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who are definitely absolutely Public Enemy No. 1 to the MAGA dipshit set, because of how they sent some texts while in the employ of the FBI that indicated they may not personally like Donald Trump very much. Also they were boning, extramaritally.

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Religion

Trump Vows At Prayer Breakfast To Hunt Down Jesus's Real Killers, The Democrats Who Impeached Him

How evangelical!

Donald Trump showed his ass this morning at the National Prayer Breakfast. This'll come as quite the shock to Susan Collins, who believed the president would find God, repent, and change into a better man. The Senate only acquitted Trump. It didn't curse him with a human soul.

Trump was as petty and vindictive as ever. He didn't temper his remarks or behavior for the moment or the setting. He waved around newspaper front pages with "TRUMP ACQUITTED" headlines. Trump is very proud of his "good enough" presidential diploma. Nancy Pelosi, Trump's arch-nemesis, was present and likely deeply offended, as she is an actual religious person who can touch a Bible without bursting into flame. The prayer breakfast is supposed to be a non-partisan event, but there was no possibility of these two hugging it out. Trump could barely stay awake during Pelosi's own speech -- though in fairness she droned on about "the poor and persecuted." Trump did snap back to consciousness when he heard "persecuted" because that's what President Job considers himself.

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Trump

SC Republicans Want To Give Trump His Own Confederate Memorial

Trump's disgraced name would disgrace new highway interchange.

Republicans have finally gone too far.

It was bad enough that they've actively enabled Donald Trump's shredding of the Constitution. Now, they're attempting to bestow a permanent honor on the (impeached) president in my home town of Greenville, South Carolina. State Reps. Stewart Jones of Laurens County and Jonathon Hill of Anderson County (where my mother was born) have sponsored a bill that would name the interchange of Interstates 85 and 385 in Greenville after the thrice-married New York real estate developer and credibly accused rapist.

Here is how Jones and Hill make their case for Resolution Dumbass 5009:

Whereas, President Donald Trump fights tirelessly to restore our American values and defeat the radical left; and

Whereas, President Trump has kept his promises to improve the economy, build the wall, defund Planned Parenthood, cut ISIS off at the head, and stop endless wars; and

Whereas, President Trump is under constant attack by anti-American politicians and the fake news media; and

Whereas, President Trump has the full support of countless South Carolinians and deserves to be honored.
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Trump

Donald Trump Doesn't Want No Short Mike Bloomberg 'Round Here

The smallest man alive criticizes someone for their height.

Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg is short. We all know this. But he's not Lilliputian. According to my extensive research, Bloomberg's 5'8". That's the same height as Humphrey Bogart or Tom Cruise when he's wearing lifts. It's irrelevant anyway -- unless you're a shallow, vain wretch of a man like Donald Trump. The president is a known size queen and he's especially obsessed with Bloomberg's physical stature.

Trump taunted Bloomberg last night in a series of deranged tweets that should've triggered the 25th Amendment. He's upset because Bloomberg is using his billions to run ads reminding voters that Trump is mentally unfit to tie his own shoes let alone serve as president. He also believes Bloomberg has bribed the Democratic National Committee to help him rig the next debate.

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History Facts

Michigan Football Coach Suspended Because He Wanted To Have Dinner, Drinks With Actual Hitler

This is truly a profile in stupid.

It was apparently too difficult for Morris Berger to go a full week at his new job without sharing his personal fantasies about Adolf Hitler. Berger was hired on January 20 as Grand Valley State University's football offense coordinator. He leaned epically into the "offense" part of his new role when he was interviewed three days later by the Grand Valley Lanthorn, the Michigan university's student newspaper. The student editor asked him the softball question of which historical figure he'd like to have dinner with, and Berger answered Hitler, as in Adolf, because it's possible he doesn't really want this job.

BERGER: This is probably not going to get a good review, but I'm going to say Adolf Hitler.

No, this definitely won't get a good review. What the hell is wrong with this guy?

BERGER: It was obviously very sad and he had bad motives, but the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.

The Oscars snubbing Eddie Murphy for Dolemite Is My Name is "obviously very sad." We're talking about the goddamn Holocaust here. How does someone open their mouth to diminish World War II and the willful slaughter of millions as merely the product of "bad motives"?

Berger also supposedly has a degree in history yet he's bought into the myth that Hitler was some military and strategic genius. He was not. Obviously, Hitler's leadership wasn't second-to-none, because he very obviously had his ass handed to him. He ended his miserable life cowering in a bunker like the coward he was before sending himself on a one-way trip to hell.

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Mommyblogging

No, Wonkette's Not Giving Larry Klayman $75,000, LARRY.

As a wise woman once said (it was me!) GO SUE SOMEONE ELSE.

Larry Klayman, he's this lawyer. As he explains in his lawsuit against me, your editrix, personally, he is a very famous man, a public figure even, and I, your editrix, have committed defamation most foul by saying he seemed, based on (not his first) bar disciplinary proceedings, not to be a very good lawyer. He also seemed, based on his saying Obama administration employees were Barack's "white slaves," and based on his suing Barack Obama, Eric Holder, Louis Farrakhan, and Black Lives Matter, for "starting a race war," to be some flavor of white supremacist. He also seemed, based on those disciplinary proceedings, to have sexually harassed a woman. (I said "harassed," but Larry Klayman, in his lawsuit against me, added [sexually] before harassed in the excerpt from my story, because he is so "honest.")

Also, I let Jamie laugh at him some. And she DID say "sexually" harassed, which I wouldn't have said because it was romantic harassment (and definitely stalking), but she's the First Amendment attorney, not me, so I let it ride. Shall we read some lawsuit, like I read all 185 pages including the footnotes of his HARROWING DC bar disciplinary report, together?

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Impeachment

Stephanie Grisham: Why Is Adam Schiff So 'Obsessed' With Democracy?

Grisham just can't relate.

We've discussed how Donald Trump put a Twitter hit out on Rep. Adam Schiff like a common gangster. (It was yesterday. Go check it out, we'll be referring back!) The president's part time White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, tried and, as usual, failed to clean up after her boss Sunday during an appearance on Fox News. Howard Kurtz read Trump's gross tweet about Schiff and (correctly) said it sounded like a "vague threat." Grisham responded with her usual absurdity.

GRISHAM: I disagree, and this has been a theme throughout this process. People put meanings behind what [Trump] said. The president speaks in a very unique way, he's a counter-puncher, he's saying what it's on his mind.

Grisham, whose job tangentially involves communication, seems unaware of how communication actually works. Here's a quick primer: The speaker states something and the listener interprets the message. Grisham acts as if we're putting way too much thought into what the president of the United States says publicly -- sort like Beatles fans in the '60s who somehow got the idea that Paul McCartney was dead. Trump just said he's the walrus. Stop trying to play his tweets backward.

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Post-Racial America

Black Guy Stuck In Racism Infinity Loop When Bank Won't Deposit His Discrimination Settlement Checks

This is so damn exhausting.

It seems that a black man can't deposit his settlement checks from a racial discrimination suit without experiencing more racial discrimination. Sauntore Thomas opened the Russian nesting doll of racism at a Michigan bank that assumed his checks were funny money and sicced the cops on him.

Thomas sued TCF Bank for alleged race discrimination Wednesday (presumably, his third racial discrimination suit will be free). He claims the Livonia branch "mistreated and humiliated him." The bank instigated a fraud investigation and called in four police officers all because he was trying to deposit legitimate checks, which is usually standard bank activity.

TCF Bank spokesman Tom Wennerberg insisted that his employer "abhors racism" and that race wasn't a factor in its response. No, the checks simply had a watermark stating VOID when they were scanned in a web viewer, so the bank had no choice but to release the hounds. Thomas countered that the checks cleared at another bank just 12 hours later. He was a TCF account holder for two years, so he wasn't thrilled when two officers grilled him while two others stood guard outside.

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2020 presidential election

Lara Trump Exposes Joe Biden As Un-American, Flag-Hating Stutterer

Donald Trump's re-election all but certain now.

Joe Biden is likely the Democratic nominee for president, unless something unexpected occurs, so Republicans need to start considering ways to attack him now that extorting foreign governments is off the table. Fortunately for America if not Donald Trump, his daughter-in-law, Lara, is on the job. Lara Trump is an adviser to the president's re-election campaign, which sounds like one of those "no-show" jobs that mobsters set up for their useless relatives. During a "Women for Trump" event in Iowa this week, Trump said she felt "sad" for Biden. This is a woman who is currently married to one of Donald Trump's sons.

TRUMP: Can we just talk about the pool of candidates the Democrats have? Now their frontrunner, they say, is Joe Biden. Did anybody stay awake and watch some of that debate you guys had here? If you did, I'm sorry. It put everyone to sleep in my house. But I have two young kids so that's tremendous at my house. We're very happy about that.

Trump's 1980s Joan Rivers impersonation was fine and all, but then she decided to make personal digs about the way Joe Biden speaks. This is a strange political choice because Donald Trump talks like a James Joyce novel printed backwards. He literally rambled on about toilets, showers, and dishwashers at a rally this week.

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Feminininism

Liz Warren: BAD GRANDMA! Says Gun-Humping Garbage Person Dana Loesch

The ghost of Hillary Rodham Clinton strikes again.

Dana Loesch, former NRA shill and former owner of a human soul, posted something awful on Twitter Tuesday. Decent people usually delete tweets this bad and claim their account was hacked. I saved a screenshot just in case, but this is Dana Loesch we're talking about so I'm probably being overly cautious.

Middle finger extendedTwitter

Yeah, so uh ... screw you, lady. This is now your open thread.*

OK, fine, I should probably take the time to dissect this walking corpse of misogynistic sentiment. Loesch claims her youngest son looked at Elizabeth Warren, US senator and presidential candidate, and only saw a grandmother, and not just a grandmother, but a half-assed, child-hating one at at that. That's Loesch's interpretation, though. Children aren't known for making statements so complex you have to carefully explicate the text. It's not a comparative literature exam. It's possible the kid saw Warren on TV without an apron and because his own grandmother only makes cookies while wearing an apron, he concluded Warren wasn't dressed for successful cookie making. There's no reason she should be because she's not a contestant on "The Great British Bake-Off." She's running for president. No one on the debate stage last night looked prepared to whip up some snickerdoodles.

*This is not actually your open thread.

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fox news

'Oh No, Not Our Favorite Actor Vince Vaughn!' Cries All Of Liberal America

WHY GOD WHY?

The news came on Monday. A video of Vince Vaughn, the guy from Swingers, talking to Donald Trump at some kind of sports game. The feeling of a thousand hearts dropping into a thousand stomachs. How could this be, we asked ourselves! Who among us was not super obsessed with Vince Vaughn and yet entirely unaware of the fact that his politics are, and always have been, pretty gross.

And yet, soon, that sadness turned to anger. We vowed to ourselves to use our collective power to cancel him and his entire career, and make it so no one can ever again watch Wedding Crashers, Dodgeball or that one with Jennifer Aniston. Oh boy, were we ever invested in that ... whole thing!

I mean, just look at this!

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