He just wanted a Thank You, Gah!
Donald Trump is feeling salty again, and this time he may have a slightly legitimate reason to feel such a way. Not only is he having a month from hell, topped off by this last week where he legit seemed ready for the old 25th Amendment, but did you know A$AP Rocky STILL hasn't thanked Trump? Recently I filled you in on the goings on in "Trump Needs a Black Friend Land," where we discovered that Trump only has about five black friends, six if you include Kim Kardashian, but she doesn't count. We had wondered if Trump would be able to snag the elusive rap artist, but so far, not good.
Recall that Trump tirelessly worked his dialing finger to the nub, when he contacted Sweden, and told them they better not keep his black friend in jail too long. Sweden, ostensibly tired of pillow-talk with Trump, did the prudent thing and granted A$AP Rocky time served, and waved him a figurative "Bye, Felicia." so they could get that tangerine Deebo out of their hair.
Rocky, ever the statesman, was quick to thank his personal, and business connections for having his back, and expressed gratitude to his fans for supporting him. Guess what he DID NOT say? "Thank You President Trump" was not in the script Rocky wrote to wrap up his adventure.
Donald Trump publicly worked on A$AP Rocky's behalf to help get the rapper out of jail. Reportedly, the president's motivation wasn't entirely altruistic.
Let's be real. He made a few phone calls, and continuously congratulated himself on his altruism. Anybody who thought Trump was being altruistic needs slapped back to the reality the rest of us live in. Trump doesn't do things out of the goodness of his heart. What are you 5? Grow the fuck up.
I bet you can hear me laughing from wherever you are about this headline Trump is sure to spot in the vanity searches he embarks on in search of Rocky's "Thank You" that I think may not ever materialize.
This is comedy gold right here.
"Donald Trump Reportedly Wanted A$AP Rocky To Thank Him, But The Rapper Stopped Returning His Texts"
Donald Trump got ghosted by a rapper. Tomi Lahren, eat your heart out. You're not the only one who can get dissed by a rapper anymore. And Trump's fail is way more epic:
A source told Yahoo News that Trump was hoping to leverage the situation to gain traction with black voters leading up to his 2020 run for re-election. The problem with the plan is that now that Rocky is free, he hasn't been responding to the White House anymore.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOLOLOLOLOL! Oh. Well, that's such a shame.
Five days after being detained, a "fixer" for high-profile entertainers reached out to Darrell Scott and Kareem Lanier, two of Donald Trump's most well-known black supporters.
I don't know them. Who are they? Please don't let them be related to or married to Diamond and fucking Silk, because honestly, I could auto-defenestrate at any time if I find out they've reproduced little tiny clones of themselves to ruin things for my own children later.
"The White House didn't ask for anything. There were no conditions attached, but my condition and Kareem's condition was that all I'm asking for you guys to do is say thank you," Scott said.
Hey, he gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. All the Don wants is a little gratitude, what's so hard about that? Why be such a rude, and utterly hilarious ingrate who doesn't even bother to bite the hand that feeds him, but instead whose silence calls bullshit on the idea that Donald did a muthafucking thing for him. Maybe this is legit how Sweden handles cases, and Trump just made things that much harder? Appears that may be the case.
But to let Trump Black friends number 6, and 7 tell it, Trump saved Rocky from the depths of Sweden's panopticon.
"I was like, man, you ungrateful motherf***ers, you. I can't believe you…. We didn't ask you guys for nothing other than for you guys to be grateful," Lanier told Rocky's attorney. "We just want you guys to be appreciative and say thank you."
Awwwwww! Does him not thanking Trump ruin everything y'all planned around that thank you? Oh! Are you mad?
I don't fucking like you www.youtube.com
Reportedly, however, Scott, Lanier, Trump, or anyone in White House have yet to hear back from the rapper or his team with the promised "thank you."
My God, how fucking weak can you be? You know, I am never one to lecture about things like integrity, honor, and being your best self, but I have to say something. When you do things for people because you want to help them, the last thing you want, or need, especially while they're still getting their bearings back, is a gratitude of any kind. You want them to be successful, and to not fall into the same traps that caused them to need you in the first place. When you do things because you want gratitude and black votes, you deserve to get your stupid punk mark ass played. I hope he does the opposite of thank you, I hope he keeps pretending you don't even exist.
It's the Sunday Show Rundown!
El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.
We went from Kellyanne Conway's
impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.
So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:
I don't believe the four Congresswomen are capable of loving our Country. They should apologize to America (and Israel) for the horrible (hateful) things they have said. They are destroying the Democrat Party, but are weak & insecure people who can never destroy our great Nation!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) July 21, 2019
So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.
And the lege is basically shooting meth into its eyeballs.
The Alaska state legislature is meeting in Wasilla for some fucking reason. Oh, and it is also fucking meeting in goddamn Juneau like it's supposed to be. What the fuck is going on? I'll tell you. Hold onto your bootstraps, it's gonna be an ugly ass ride.
So far this year we have had our mystery ballot demystified, a shitty ass budget proposal, AK state Rep. Gabrielle LeDoux ejected from the House Majority Caucus, a regular legislative session, a Crime Bill, a special session, a compromise operating budget passed by both houses, a second special session called for by the governor, a veto, protests, the special session meeting in two different cities, the senate majority leader repealed and replaced, Rep. Tammie Wilson leaving the House Majority Caucus (led by a former Dem who flipped to an Indy in order to lead it), which contains both GOP and Dems, and a failed veto override. WE HAVE BEEN BUSY IN ALASKA, OKAY?
That brings us to the current day in this messiest of messes, aside from the horrifying budget proposal Governor Mike Dunleavy, our own off-brand Tim Robbins, laid on us like a dollop of poo in our root beer float. How did we get to this batshit place? Dunleavy promised our dumb asses we would get our full PFD -- muh Permanent Fund Dividend! -- if we voted for him. Members of both parties in the Alaska state legislature oppose the steep cuts our governor has proposed for the new budget. The budget is the source of ALL KINDS OF DRAMA, probably because it is a weaponized assassination document that Governor Dunleavy will be using to murder us all. Allegedly.
Sebastian Gorka is not aware of all internet traditions.
Did we not tell y'all conservative men are losing their SHIT over Megan Rapinoe? Well, we have another entry for the "Most Pathetic White Man" contest, and it is Sebastian "If Goebbels Drove A 4-Cylinder Mustang" Gorka, who is double-parking his unsolicited opinions ALL OVER Rapinoe's very badass week, and we think he's the most ridiculous yet. Did you know that the women of the US national soccer team are trying to DESTROY ALL OF JUDEO-CHRISTIAN CIVILIZATION? (Remember that when people like Gorka say "Judeo-Christian," they are merely using the "Judeo" part to try to pretend their movement isn't simply a white Christian supremacist movement. There is nothing "Judeo" about them, and they tend to believe that most people who are actually "Judeo" are godless heathens. Just to clear that up!)
Because Wonkette is nothing if not mature, and because we love making fun of fake "Doctor" Gorka and the affected accent he wears, in order to sound more like his Hungarian Nazi pals, we're just going to steal the transcript from Media Matters and translate it into a purer version of Gorka-ese:
BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE.
ADoS: American Descendants of Slavery is a group founded by Yvette Carnell and Antonio Moore, and and their agenda ranges from reasonable demands to extreme assholery. A few of the main points: affirmative action solely for ADOS, the Voting Rights Act fixed, SBA loans, infrastructure, an end to mass incarceration, and money for HBCUs. So far, so good. Then they want limits on HB-1 Visas (Um? Hmmm), which matters A LOT to them, also direct cash payments, and most of all, separate categories for Black ADOS, and Black Immigrants. Which leads to Harris, as all roads do.
We watch the Sunday shows so you don't have to!
After Mother Nature pissed all over Trump's wannabe-dictator attempted hijacking of the Fourth of July, the Sunday shows got back to discussing the Trump-created humanitarian crisis at the southern border. Not the influx of asylum seekers fleeing from horrible conditions in Central America (made worse by Trump cutting off aid to them), but the way our country has decided to cage them in
concentration camps internment camps ... um ..."happy fun time summer camps"? After a visit by a congressional delegation and the Trump Administration's own DHS Office of Inspector General (OIG) report provided video/photographic/written evidence of the deplorable conditions occurring in our name, it was time for Trump officials to deal with the real culprits: Democrats!
And now, for a story about crime in America, and the very tough guys who are sometimes nonetheless victimized. You have heard about this "Straight Pride" celebration happening in Boston, maybe, but not because Wonkette told you about it. Some things are too stupid to cover. But that was then and this is now, because somebody mailed some glitter and some Bible verses to the founders of the very normal and well-adjusted group throwing Straight Pride -- which will be very bigly attended, we are certain! -- and, um, well, they called the cops.
That was pretty fun huh?
Woo. If I had to sum up Marianne Williamson in one word, that word would be Woo. Not to be confused with the delightful film starring Jada Pinkett, or the mating call of the North American sorority girl, the kind of woo Marianne manifests eats quinoa, brushes with Tom's, and thinks the movie Avatar explains our governmental policies.
Thank you Paul F. Tompkins!
This is not to say she's wrong about the government, or that Tom's toothpaste doesn't work just because it tastes filthy, just saying she's weird as fuck, allegedly, but she can still get down. While Kamala Harris simply owned the night, and Pete had some awesome moments, especially when handing out mea culpas to himself, Marianne owned a piece of the center stage in her own Woo Woo Prosperity Prophet way.
Oh sorry, we are Marianne Williamson supporters now. We thought everyone was?
A day late and no dollars short, it's the Sunday Show Rundown!
Today we bring you the idiotic punditry from the last guy rocking a Caesar cut and a Stone Cold Steve Austin goatee combo on national TV, Chuck Todd. It was merely five minutes into NBC's "Meet The Press" when Todd decided to use some revisionist history to do what he does best: "Both Sides" the shit out the news. Watch the clip blow and let's break this nonsense down.
It'll make you feel gooooooood!
Dan Scavino brings the LULZ. Trump's teenage golf caddy has burst his argyle chrysalis and become a glorious, wing-tipped butterfly. Or, if not glorious, then at least useful. If you need it, Scabbers can get it. And what Trump needs is attention, lots and lots of attention.
Politico has a batshit story this morning on Scavino's successful campaign to turn the president's world into a giant video game with himself as the primary dispenser of Twitter happiness tokens. Like that time when Trump abruptly announced that the US was pulling out of Syria, and then Mattis and the rest of the mean uncles came in with long faces talking about national security and US interests -- boooooring. Luckily The Scab was on hand to reassure Dear Leader that his policies are universally adored.
It's The Sunday Show Rundown!
Kellyanne Conway appeared on "Meet The Press" Sunday with Chuck Todd fresh off her defeat of Kirstjen Nielsen to become the top lying, conservative blonde in the Trump administration.
I don't like this "Highlander" Remake. media3.giphy.com
This was quite a ride.
Today, the House Judiciary Committee held a hearing on Hate Crimes and the Rise of White Nationalism, in light of the recent New Zealand massacre and the incredibly obvious facts that White Nationalism is becoming a pretty big problem here in America and that people are being radicalized on the internet.
Invited to the hearing were representatives from the ADL, from the Equal Justice Society, Facebook, Google, etc ... and, for some goddamned reason, Candace freaking Owens.
Why was Candace Owens there? Well, apparently she was invited by the GOP to sit there and explain to everyone that rightwing extremism is not actually problem, and that all of the real racism comes from the Left. Also invited by the House Republicans was Morton Klein, the head of the right-wing Zionists Organization of America, who tried to claim in his opening statement that all the "real" anti-Semitism was actually coming from Ilhan Omar and pro-Palestinian student groups on campus. He also claimed that the New Zealand shooter was actually a left-wing terrorist. He was a real peach.
In her opening statement, Owens noted that she was a victim of a hate crime when she was in high school, and that the "liberal media" never brings this up when discussing all of the stupid things she says and does now. I actually believe I have mentioned that before, along with the fact that she stopped identifying as a liberal right around the time that she tried to start a website called "Social Autopsy," the purpose of which was to doxx Gamergate bullies. Owens was warned that this was a bad idea by lots of people who had already been victimized by the movement, and when she was harassed by Gamergate trolls, claimed that it was actually the anti-Gamergate people harassing her, and then joined Gamergate herself. We're all up on your history, Candace, no need to worry.
Yes, really, that Herman Cain.
Donald Trump once again proved he's still capable of shocking a nation practically desensitized to his craziness. Trump announced today that he's picked Herman Cain for a seat on the Federal Reserve board. Cain is currently being "vetted," which doesn't seem possible because we're actually talking about him. A true "vetting" process would involve seeing Cain's name on a list, laughing hysterically, and then moving on to someone who won't wreck the economy.
Unlike Cain, the Federal Reserve is kinda important. It's the central bank of the United States. It raises and lowers interest rates. It ... we don't need to go any further. The mobster movie pizza guy is in no way qualified for this. Trump doesn't care. He just wants to put his own lackeys on the board so they'll do what he says. Cain also has the benefit of making Trump's choice for another open seat look less ridiculous. Stephen Moore is a supply-side hack whom Trump described as "a very respected economist." The only true word there was "a." Moore advised Trump's presidential campaign, as well as Cain's significantly less successful one in 2012. We're afraid that Trump plans to fill all future Fed vacancies from Cain's iPhone contacts.
'Assassinated and Buried Alive' but somehow he's still here...
We, your wonderful saviors at Wonkette, have been cancelling R. Kelly for nearly a year now, as we have chronicled the trials and tribulations this "God-fearing" crooner has endured at the hands of Lucifer. Oh Satan, why hast thou forsaken thine own favored son? For some, the recent assassination of R. Kelly is a much needed change for our culture; for R. Kelly, it is all some amazingly indecipherable plot to steal his joy, set him up, and trick starry eyed young ingenues into believing that the lying Devil is in fact, R. Kelly himself. Will he ever receive justice? In order to restore the world to its proper order, R. Kelly took his crazy ass to sit for an interview with Gayle King (who is NOT Robin Roberts, okay Jesse Waters?) so he could defend himself. It was all supposed to clear his name, and prove to the all the haters and the lying vicious whooores that Daddy Kelly don't lock no girls up in closets and chains, and also, that the youngest of ladies love strange ass orgies with midlife-crisis-having misanthropes. Seems legit.
The full interview won't be out until Friday (my b-day, awesome gift, Jesus, you shouldn't have, really) but lucky for us, R. Kelly is so damn crazy, the few minutes of clips they have released so far gives us PLENTY of insight into this ... situation.
Greaseball says what?
Say goodbye to Papa John! It feels like it has been at least a hundred years since we have heard a word from John Schnatter, the man who founded what's arguably the third largest (and first nastiest) pizza operation in America, Papa Johns Pizza. We would have loved to continue pretending he doesn't even exist, but he's being pushed out of his own company, and he deserves it, and all the garbage we have witnessed from him in the last decade proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a genuine certified jerkface, also he voted for Trump.
Do you remember how John Schnatter went from feeling like a "pretty big deal" while recording Super Bowl commercials with Peyton Manning, having his pizza be the official pizza of the NFL, and being the head honcho and face of Papa John's Pizza -- to not having any of that, and also no job? Let me refresh your memory: Papa John could not and would not ever SHUT THE F*CK UP; he talked crap about Colin Kaepernick (this can make you go out of business) because of course he did. He opposed Obamacare like a real asshole and even threatened to cut hours so he wouldn't have to pay for health insurance for his employees, because -- get this -- insuring his employees would cost ten cents per pizza. But the final straw turned out to be basic ass racism. I mean, duh.
Racism has been a trending topic in the USA for about 200 years or so, but in the modern era, unlike back in the Colonial days, being racist will fuck your shit up. Getting caught saying racist shit outside of your Klan meetings can have you go from the "top of your game" to grabbing random shit from your office as you get booted from the company.
It's your Sunday Show Rundown!
Let's begin today's Sunday show roundup with National Security Adviser and least favorite Bolton (after Michael and Ramsey), John. Trump's NSA appeared on CNN's "State of The Union," proclaiming the "unquestionable success" of the second Trump/Kim summit, even though no deal was reached and Trump was humiliated. Jake Tapper asked Bolton about Trump's statements regarding Otto Warmbier, the American college student who was sent home in a coma from North Korea and died shortly after being returned to the US; Trump said at a press conference that Kim Jong Un denied knowing anything about Warmbier, and so case closed. Trump stated, "He tells me that he didn't know about it, and I will take him at his word. Those prisons are rough. They're rough places, and bad things happen. But I don't believe he knew about it."
TAPPER: He's going to take Kim Jong-un at his word that he didn't know about it. The Warmbier family put out a statement. They disagree. They say Kim Jong-un is responsible. Are they wrong?
BOLTON: Look, the president made it very clear he considers what happened to Otto Warmbier an act of brutality that's completely unacceptable to the American side. I have heard him before the summit itself, before the press conference, talk about how deeply he cared about Otto Warmbier and his family. The fact is, the best thing North Korea could do right now would be to give us a full accounting of what happened and who was responsible for it.
That's quite a change or non-commitment for Bolton. Especially when, shortly after Otto Warmbier's death, Bolton was basically egging on a full scale regime change in North Korea.
©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc