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Republicans Say Stupid Sh*t Lies, Weekend Show Edition!

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

Let's begin today's Sunday show roundup with National Security Adviser and least favorite Bolton (after Michael and Ramsey), John. Trump's NSA appeared on CNN's "State of The Union," proclaiming the "unquestionable success" of the second Trump/Kim summit, even though no deal was reached and Trump was humiliated. Jake Tapper asked Bolton about Trump's statements regarding Otto Warmbier, the American college student who was sent home in a coma from North Korea and died shortly after being returned to the US; Trump said at a press conference that Kim Jong Un denied knowing anything about Warmbier, and so case closed. Trump stated, "He tells me that he didn't know about it, and I will take him at his word. Those prisons are rough. They're rough places, and bad things happen. But I don't believe he knew about it."

TAPPER: He's going to take Kim Jong-un at his word that he didn't know about it. The Warmbier family put out a statement. They disagree. They say Kim Jong-un is responsible. Are they wrong?

BOLTON: Look, the president made it very clear he considers what happened to Otto Warmbier an act of brutality that's completely unacceptable to the American side. I have heard him before the summit itself, before the press conference, talk about how deeply he cared about Otto Warmbier and his family. The fact is, the best thing North Korea could do right now would be to give us a full accounting of what happened and who was responsible for it.

That's quite a change or non-commitment for Bolton. Especially when, shortly after Otto Warmbier's death, Bolton was basically egging on a full scale regime change in North Korea.

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2020 presidential election

Sunday Show GOP Idiots: Come For The Casual Racism, Stay For The ... More Casual Racism!

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!!!

Welcome to your Sunday Show rundown, where we tell you what happened on the Sunday shows and you don't regret playing hooky from watching them for even one second!

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Post-Racial America

Justin Fairfax Goes Full Clarence Thomas

Virginia, please show this guy the nearest door.

Justin Fairfax is, for the moment, still the embattled lieutenant governor of Virginia. It's never good when you're "embattled." It's not a strong position from which to launch any exploratory committees for higher office. For roughly 12 hours or so, it looked like Fairfax would replace Gov. Ralph Northam, whose yearbook photo revealed he might've experimented with blackface in college. Then two women came forward to credibly accuse Fairfax of sexual assault. We suggested Fairfax resign and resolve all this as a private citizen, but whoever listens to us?

Accused rapists almost always make admitted blackface artistes look good by comparison. If we weren't already on Team Moonwalk, Fairfax's actions this weekend would've cemented our position. In an impromptu speech to the state Senate, Fairfax compared himself to lynching victims like a common Clarence Thomas. You should never go full Clarence Thomas.

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sex crimes

R. Kelly Is A Bad Man Who Was Good At Singing... Now He's In Jail.

Jail is where he belongs.

If it can be said that "all good things must come to an end", then surely, so too can it be said that, "all bad things will eventually go fuck themselves." Or something. Things end all the time; there are deaths, cancellations, even shunnings; there are breakups, separations, divorces, and often people simply just choose to leave. But sometimes that choice is taken from people, sometimes that choice isn't even offered, because sometimes the Chicago Police Department arrests your ass on multiple sexual assault charges because Avenatti's busy ass got ahold of the sex tape you made with an underage girl victim. Because these days, the things you do on the "Down Low" get put on Front Street, then all of a sudden... life comes at you fast.

If you recall, Kelly recently threatened to sue Lifetime for producing the documentary Surviving R. Kelly, and unfortunately for him, his reaction to the film is likely what spurred the investigation into his sex cult, and led to his subsequent arrest. The self-ownage in this caper delivers a sweetly intoxicating and purely delightful schadenfreude, I must warn you now... When you watch the video of him being arrested, if you look at his face, you'll be absolutely fucking giddy from the sad clown look on his mug.

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Congress

Matt Gaetz Has A Super Creepy Fetish For Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

And it is not okay!

Matt Gaetz is an asshole. Before you protest that I'm unfair, just consider the fact that the Florida congressman managed to be the ONLY no vote against a human trafficking bill, because "mission creep." Ironically, Matt is known for his own creep missions where he does anything he possibly can, including shameless political prostitution or straight up lying, just to get his name out there and get noticed. He brings Faux-Nazis to the State of the Union Address, because they happened to stop by one day. Why would a Congressman bring his own Nazi when we already had a hard breathing, snorting, orange-faced Nazi yelling at us from the podium. Why subject us to two Nazis? Cause Matt ain't shit. That's why.

But lately his hotcatshit approach to coalition building, or dating, or whatever he thought he was doing when he sent out a Jerry Madison inspired tweet to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, flies straight past the border of ridiculous and into the realm of the absurd. Because not only is Matt a right wing shithead who she would never be into; he is a right wing shit head who is a borderline stalker when it come to AOC.

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News

Lindsey Graham, Stephen Miller Interrupt Your Sunday With Their Stupid Lie-Holes

It's your Sunday Show Rundown!

Hello Wonks! We begin today's cavalcade of xenophobic morons with White House Senior Policy Advisor and Santa Monica Goebbels Stephen Miller. After being summoned by saying his name three times into a mirror, he appeared on "Fox News Sunday" to discuss the national emergency declaration made by his short fingered overlord. Chris Wallace, however, and as occasionally happens, was having none of Miller's bullshit:

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Hot Mess

Jeff Bezos's Dick: A Cautionary Tale

Seriously, boys, think with the big head!

What the hell is the richest man in the world doing with this pack of Jerry Springer rejects? We're just a simple East Coast elitist, but we cannot fathom why a guy who can buy a Renoir with his lunch money would get mixed up with the Trash Twins in this tabloid shit. But we do appreciate the break from President Sundowner and the downfall of democracy, so double glove it, kids -- WE'RE GOIN' IN!

Since Jeff Bezos dropped his Medium post accusing the National Enquirer of trying to sextort him, possibly at the behest of Saudi Arabia, the Amazon CEO has been largely silent. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez has also had the sense to keep her mouth shut. But her brother, Trump-loving "talent" agent Michael Sanchez -- call now to book such luminaries as Carter Page and Scottie Nell Hughes! -- will not shut the fuck up.

According to Sanchez, Bezos has two trusted advisers: international security expert Gavin de Becker and ... Michael Sanchez, talent agent to the dopes! Because OBVIOUSLY. While de Becker counseled his client to use discretion to protect himself, Sanchez advocated playing ball with The Enquirer.

"Lauren calls it a cockfight," Sanchez told Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman:

Over the last year, he said, he served as an unofficial adviser to the couple as they discussed what would happen if their love affair leaked. "They were talking marriage," he told me. "The three of us had discussed before that, at some point, this was going to be a scandal. My advice was, let's get to the other side. Our analogy was always that they were landing a 747. I told them, 'You're both pilots and you've never landed a 747, but that's what we're trying to do here.'"

Jeff Bezos is ... Ted Striker? And Lauren Sanchez is ... Elaine? OH NO, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO BLOW ROC!

Airplane 2 - She's gonna have to blow the computer. Guess what: the computer likes it! www.youtube.com

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Hot Mess

Did Roger Stone DEEP STATE Jeff Bezos's Marriage To Death? Inquiring Minds Want To Know!

There's no blackface in this story. Which is about the best you can say for any of these people.

In today's episode of THESE PEOPLE ARE TRASH, we return to the marital troubles of Amazon owner Jeff Bezos, whose wandering wiener led him into the clutches of a crew of wingnut D-listers. What the hell are Roger Stone, Carter Page, and Scottie Nell Hughes (former Fox blonde, now plying her wares at Russian propaganda outlet RT) doing in his divorce? Is Bezos a victim of The Deep State, or did he get sold out by his girlfriend's gay Hispanic Trump-loving brother, Michael Sanchez? (Not even joking.) And will our philandering anti-hero ever escape this den of iniquity?

LE SIGH.

By means not yet clear, Bezos's extremely safe-for-work texts to his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez were leaked to the National Enquirer sometime in the fall of 2018. In January, the magazine sent letters to Bezos and Lauren Sanchez "to request an interview with you about your love affair." (Hurl!) But before the tabloid could publish, Bezos announced his impending divorce on Twitter. Thanks, @jack!

Enquirer editor Dylan Howard, last seen exhorting Michael Cohen to pay Stormy Daniels off in a hurry before she outed the magazine for illegally buying up stories to protect Trump during the 2016 campaign, was pissed that Bezos pre-empted his scoop. How dare this guy tell his wife and kids about the affair, rather than letting them find out about it from a gossip rag!

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Hot Mess

Roger Stone Angrily Denies Hacking Jeff Bezos's Phone To Stunned Arby's Cashier

Why is this happening?

Why does every story in 2019 involve Roger Stone? He's like cilantro -- they put him in everything! Look, now he's a character in Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's divorce saga!

BUT FOR WHYYYYYYYY????

Well, someone gave Bezos's personal texts with his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez to The National Enquirer. And Roger Stone, who is pals with Sanchez's brother Michael, says it sure as hell wasn't him. The Daily Beast reports:

Stone confirmed his association with Sanchez in text messages with The Daily Beast on Wednesday evening. "I do know Michael Sanchez—very good guy," he wrote. Stone proceeded to deny that he hacked Bezos' phone. When The Daily Beast pointed out that it had never suggested or asked if he had, Stone replied, "You are busted. You are not a journalist. No one believes anything you write."

We love how they always tell The Daily Beast and other reporters that they're BUSTED!, which is just a really cool thing to say here in 1994.

In case you missed the back story -- because reading about other people's marriages is gross and squicky, and really, who has the bandwidth right now? -- Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced. He was having an affair with former Los Angeles newscaster Lauren Sanchez, and his embarrassingly sincere texts were leaked to The National Enquirer. Do you want to read one consenting adult tell another, "I want to tuck you in slowly?" We do not.

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Russia

'I Served Them Massive Amounts Of Fast Food.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 15, 2019

Trump gorges himself on cheeseburgers and pizza as his shutdown enters Day 25. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Trade War

He Never Said 'Mexico.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Jan. 11, 2019

Trump "maybe definitely" declaring national emergency, federal workers get checks for $0, and RBG is just fine. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Trump

A Sunday Rundown. In Wonkette. Being A Ghost Story Of Christmas

Hello Wonks! Welcome to the Sunday Rundown. With Christmas Eve upon us, I figured it's time for one last good ol' "Christmas Carol" style haunting for the wicked people of the political shows. Can't guarantee that they'll turn a new leaf and help people, but we certainly can make them fear the Christmases yet to come.

We begin with the chair of the House GOP conference and daughter of real life Grinch, Wyoming congressperson Liz Cheney. Appearing on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan, the daughter with Dick Cheney's dark Sith powers and nepotism was asked about one of the many shortcomings of the Republican Party: Women.

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Congress

Paul Ryan Shutting Down Government For Christmas, Old Times' Sake, And Sad Lack Of Balls

Don't let the wall hit you in the ass.

Those fuckin' idiots are actually gonna do it! They're really going to shut the government down over $5 billion for Donald Trump's stupid Fuck You Mexico Wall. Turns out that dumbass GoFundMe stunt by the MAGA mouthbreathers only raised like eighty bucks, SAD! And we're sure it's no consolation to the government workers whose paychecks will be delayed, but JFC the Republicans could not have played this one worse.

House Speaker Paul Ryan got tired of waiting for his balls to drop and decided to take his lifetime pension and healthcare and head on home to Janesville. All he had to do before leaving town was kick the government funding mess down the road with a Continuing Resolution (CR), so that shit sandwich would land on Nancy Pelosi's plate instead of his. Just put it off until February 8, and hope that people will have forgotten by then that Trump explicitly slapped a tacky-ass gold TRUMP sign on the impending shutdown.

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SCOTUS

Stephen Miller Puts New Coat Of Paint (HAIR PAINT) On His Sh*tty Racist Ideas

Dude, no. Just no.

Hello Wonks! Welcome to the Sunday Rundown!, where we look at all the stupid, dumb and outrageous lies people say on the Sunday shows. Rudy Giuliani went batshit crazy on pretty much all the shows, which earned him his own column by Wonkette's Five Dollar Feminist. Herein, we'll look at all the rest of the Sunday fuckery!

Let's focus on the second worst/stupidest person on this Sunday's shows, current Trump adviser and former Time Wraith Stephen Miller.

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Post-Racial America

Diamond And Silk Can See Mexico From Their House

These ladies, they are smart.

The Damsels of Dumb, Diamond and Silk, sashayed their way onto the set of "Fox & Friends" to kick some knowledge to their MAGA peeps, and call out Nancy Pelosi for not understanding walls. Uninformed and idiotic inanities dropped from their lips as fast as Melania's poll numbers fell when we saw her new yellow hair. They had soooo many dumb questions. Why does Nancy Pelosi get to live her sweet, cushy life residing in a domicile that has actual walls holding back the massive hordes of enemy migrants who would slaughter her like a scene out of The Purge? Mm hmm, that's right! Also, doesn't she even know that walls keep people from coming in and stealing your stuff? Pelosi has walls, we have walls, the border has no wall, so let's build a border wall, because everything needs walls, you betcha! Plus, we can deploy the entire fucking Army to our side of the border to stop bad things and stuff because ... wait, are they really saying we should turn the border into a demilitarized zone? Yes, yes they are!

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Post-Racial America

Racist Columbia University Dipwad Not Racist, According To Racist Columbia University Dipwad

Maybe Columbia needs a 'Learning When To Shut Up 101' class?

This weekend, an extremely twerpy Columbia University student named Julian von Abele (of course) went viral after video emerged of him screaming his head off about how great white people are to a bunch of students of color. It was ... well, it was the kind of thing that happens now, every month or so these days! (It happened before "these days" too, we just didn't have video phones and Twitter in "those days.")

As Aala Nasir, the woman who initially posted the video, said, it was disappointing, but not surprising.

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