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Hot Mess

Jewdy Jewliani, Better Jew Than You!

Would have said 'better Jew than JEW' like my dad imitating Billy Crystal, but you might not have gotten it.

First, my darlings, a disclaimer: I was converted to Judaism as a baby so I could have the benefit of both my parents' faiths. My mom stopped taking me to Hebrew school around 1983, which is, MATH, at least 15 years ago now, when all the little children gathered around the warm black and white glow of the TV, playing Pong. Last night, lighting the candles on the first menorah I have ever owned because my husband bought me one at Target three days ago, I made it *just about all the way through* the prayer over the wine instead of the candles, because the wine one is the one I almost all the way know.

And I am a waaaaay better Jew than Rudy Giuliani. Or Meghan McCain. Or Donald Trump Junior or Senior. Or Mike Huckabee. Or any of the delightful people in the world who have thoughts on JEWS: Holy Seat-Fillers Until Jesus Gets Back From The Bathroom.

So, what did Rudy Giuliani do now? Well, it's pathetic.

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Trump

Donald Trump Digs Up John Dingell's Corpse, Flogs It On Stage

He's truly the worst person alive.

Donald Trump never runs out of ways to make us sick. During his banana pants rally last night in Battle Creek, Michigan, the freshly impeached president attacked Rep. Debbie Dingell, who'd voted to bounce him from office and fumigate the White House afterward. Trump considered her vote a betrayal because he'd done the bare minimum expected of a president when Dingell's husband died early this year. John Dingell Jr. was the longest-serving member of either house of Congress. He worked to pass Medicare, Medicaid, the Civil Rights Act, the Clean Water Act, the Endangered Species Act, and the Affordable Care Act. He also was a bone-spur free veteran of World War II. Trump insulted his memory in the state he'd served faithfully for decades without ever once being impeached.

TRUMP: Debbie Dingell, that's a real beauty. So she calls me up like eight months ago. Her husband was there a long time. But I didn't give him the B treatment. I didn't give him the C or the D. I could've. I gave the A+ treatment. I gave him everything. I don't want anything. I don't need anything for anything. She calls me up: "It's the nicest thing that's ever happened. Thank you so much. John would be so thrilled. He's looking down. He'd be so thrilled. Thank you so much, sir." I said, "That's OK, don't worry about it."

Trump's usually lying when he claims someone called him "sir," but Dingell is a polite woman who respects the office of the presidency. Let's assume this exchange took place. Trump has already insulted dead people, war heroes, children, and the disabled. It's almost old hat. But his remarks last night put him in the running for the Nobel Prize in evil.

SCUMBAG: Maybe [John Dingell's] looking up, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe. But let's assume he's looking down.
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Media/Entertainment

Nevertheless, Meghan McCain Persisted (In Being An Assh*le)

ABC: Please fire this hot mess.

We don't bother covering every time Meghan McCain is an obnoxious asshole on "The View," because we'd have to rename this site Meghan McCain's An Obnoxious Asshole Daily. Facebook might flag us for fewer "clickbait" violations, but it's still not worth it. There's a big, beautiful world out there that isn't John McCain's secret daughter.

Unfortunately, McCain blew the roof off her self-pity party after Whoopi Goldberg snatched the wig off her head yesterday. The panel was discussing impeachment, and Sunny Hostin denounced the hypocrisy of Senate Republicans who voted to convict Bill Clinton for blowjob-related felonies but will let Donald Trump walk on extortion and light treason. McCain kept interrupting Hostin, an actual lawyer, to jerk-splain that her job wasn't to "litigate the ethics" of impeachment but to provide Jell-O-shot-fueled insight into the politics of impeachment. It's fascinating that McCain would try to separate "ethics" from "politics," as if they are entirely different concerns.

Whoopi had been trying to go to commercial forever, but McCain wouldn't stop talking over Hostin. She petulantly declared that "The View" doesn't want "conservative perspectives" because they won't let one specific conservative speak ad nauseam. Whoopi -- the show's moderator -- finally had enough and said bluntly, "Girl, please stop talking." It was a wonderful moment for every black woman in America who has a Meghan McCain at her job or anywhere in her life.

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News

Next Time, Pam Karlan, Just Make Fun Of Donald Trump Jr.'s Face

Feel free to be as cruel as you'd like!

The GOP was having a bad day in the impeachment of Donald Trump, just like all their other days in the impeachment of Donald Trump. Three brilliant law professors were sitting before Congress and giving chapter and verse explanations, in simple and illuminating terms, for why Trump is a criminal president who should be removed from office. Also Jonathan Turley was there.

Trump idiots needed something -- anything -- to distract themselves and their base from what was happening. This boring academic hearing was actually not boring! People were watching it!

And then Stanford law professor Pamela Karlan accidentally gave it to them, when she committed the cardinal sin of saying Barron Trump's name out loud, acknowledging the president's son with a harmless joke that wasn't even about the president's son. He wasn't the butt of the joke, it was just a silly play on words. Hey, at least somebody said Barron's name out loud this week, because we doubt his shitty-ass parents did.

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2020 Congressional Elections

Are You OK, Jeff Sessions? We Don't Really Care But Blink Twice For 'Yes' Anyway

Jeff Sessions offers Trump his self-respect as early Christmas gift.

Jeff Sessions is so desperate to return to the Senate he bound and gagged his own dignity and murdered it on camera. Sessions, Donald Trump's former attorney general, groveled yesterday for the pleasure of the mad king. His first campaign ad is called "Great Job," and he spends the entire cringe-inducing 30 seconds telling us how awesome the president is. It was embarrassing to watch even if I had any respect for the man, which I don't.

Great Job youtu.be

Sweet Christ, what's going on with his eyes? There used to be twinkle in them, as if he was fondly imagining happy slaves toiling in the fields and singing "Zippedeedoodah." Now, they're dead inside. It's like he was broken in Room 101 and just wants to share with us how much he loves Big Brother.

PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING: When I left President Trump's Cabinet, did I write a tell-all book? No. Did I go on CNN and attack the president? Nope. Have I said a cross word about our president? Not one time. I'll tell you why: First, that would be dishonorable. I was there to serve his agenda, not mine. Second, the president is doing a great job for America and Alabama, and he has my strong support.

When Sessions says Trump is doing a heckuva job, there's a quick clip of Sessions endorsing Trump in Alabama. Whoever threw that in has no insight into the psyche of a sociopath. The worst thing to do is to remind them of a time when you had power and they didn't. They'll just resent the implication they were ever in your debt. The president has all the power now, but Sessions can't just beg his way out of his political grave. He'll have to give Trump the only thing he has left.

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lawsplainer

The Sixth Amendment For Dummies (Mollie Hemingway, Rand Paul)

Gonna lawsplain you ALL NIGHT LONG.

Mollie Hemingway and Rand Paul need to read the Constitution.

There is no limit to how dumb things can get here in 2019. We have now reached the phase of the Trump impeachment where the criminal-in-chief's sycophants just make up constitutional provisions to support their asinine arguments.

The dumbfuckery started earlier this week on Twitter, because of course it did. In a Twitter fight with Congressman -- and former Republican -- Justin Amash, Mollie Hemingway of The Federalist cited to a nonexistent provision of the US Constitution that apparently says "Donald Trump has the right to unmask the whistleblower in violation of federal law."

As with many things involving Republicans, everything about this is dumb and wrong. And did we mention Mollie Hemingway and Rand Paul are dumb and wrong?

When the facts aren't on your side and the law isn't on your side, you ... try to gaslight the American people.

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Hot Mess

Sorry I Freaked Out At You Guys Last Night

This post is staying here till I can't stomach it a second longer. Scroll down for new ones!

Hey, remember last night, when I freaked out at you guys? Probably not, because I only left the comment up for about five minutes before I deleted it, too embarrassed at my WHINE and WHAAH and OUTBURST and PETULANCE and WAAH SOME MORE. But it was long enough for like 50 people to feel bad at the sulky shouty lady having a breakdown and SEND HER MONEY, for WONKETTE and LOVE. So thank you, 50 people, I will get to your thank you notes later, after ALL THE NEWS IN THE WORLD.

So let's talk about why I am having breakdowns, what we need, what I'm doing right, what I'm doing wrong, what I'm going to continue doing wrong because I can't help it, and what YOU need to do, because CITIZENSHIP.

First: I can't help hiring new people, all the time, like constantly. If I waited to do this until I had the money in the bank, we would never hire the people! And we neeeeed the people. Two more full-time staffers will allow our writers to take their time on SOME posts, SOMETIMES, like PROFESSIONALS; it'll allow us to have news for you in the morning instead of oh is it TEN THIRTY ALREADY AND I HAVE TO KILL EVAN NOW? Do you want me to kill Evan? OF COURSE YOU DON'T. Also, my therapist says I am impulsive and he is correct. But if my "impulsive" is limited to "hiring people you love and giving them fully funded healthcare so Elizabeth Warren can bone us," I'd say that "impulsive" is GOOD! :D

We'll be able to focus on all the things we're good at, and maybe SOME FUCKING DAY one of us will do a podcast, gross, ugh, how do you even listen to people YAMMERING ALL OF THE TIME. (Can you tell I don't have a "commute" or go to "gym"?)

Second: No, I'm not doing premium content for subscribers; everyone is equal at the Wonkette, and no animal is more equal than others. Second part B: I don't think ads are going to work. I had a brief vision of this ONE AD solving our problems and me not having to beg and whine at you, and ... it just won't. Not just because some of you mewled about that ONE AD which I'd WARNED YOU WAS COMING after TWO AD-FREE YEARS, and it HURT MY FEELINGS and MADE ME YELL AT YOU ... this is not a good apology.

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History Facts

Crybaby Trump Just Wants Democrats To Stop Lynching Him With Perfectly Legal Impeachment

The president has no respect for black people and our history.

Am I really going to write about racial violence and state-sanctioned terrorism again today? Yes, because Donald Trump can't go five minutes without insulting our intelligence on Twitter. This morning, Trump went full Clarence Thomas about his ongoing, perfectly legal impeachment inquiry.

Whine, whine, whineTwitter

First place, the "What If" fantasy plot Trump pitches here has already taken place during the distant past of my mid-20s. Trump's potential impeachment is just as "fair" as Bill Clinton's. Also: This is the "tough guy" president the MAGA hat crowd idolizes? It's hard to imagine John Wayne, Chuck Heston, or Clint Eastwood complaining about their enemies in tear-stained journal entries.

I'd planned to ignore this, but the response from my home state senators made it impossible. South Carolina Senator Tim Scott, who is black, struck just the right balance between craven and cowardly. It's the area of no distinction where all black conservatives reside.

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2020 democratic primary

Crazy Aunt Tulsi Gabbard Running Around Screaming 'RIGGED' Again

Putin sends his thanks.

Tulsi Gabbard is sad and mad because her presidential campaign is a joke no one finds funny. She's yet to reach the comedic heights of Marianne Williamson, and God knows she's tried. The congresswoman from Hawaii, a state that deserves better, is polling at roughly half a percentage point. She didn't qualify for the September Democratic primary debate but a rounding error earned her an invitation to the October 15 showdown. (Yes, we just looked it up; there is one.) Now she's not so sure she even wants to attend their crummy debate. She knows no one likes her. Maybe she'll just stay home.

I'm so tired of the "corporate media" epithet. It's simplistic and reductive. There's crap produced "authentically" in someone's basement, and there's decent work published by organizations with shareholders. The Democratic National Committee has bent over backwards to accommodate the exploding clown car of candidates, but Gabbard believes there's some conspiracy between the DNC and "corporate media" to "rig" the primary. Lady, you sound like a goddamn child or, worse, Donald Trump when you claim elections are "rigged" without any fact-based evidence.

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Impeachment

If You Don’t Stop And Look Around, You Might Miss The Impeachment. Your Sunday Show Rundown!

When the best you've got defending you on the Sunday shows is Ron Johnson and Jim Jordan, your prospects are not looking good.

The long-awaited Trump impeachment is speeding up! Mark Zaid, one of the attorneys for the Ukrainium One whistleblower, has stated he is now representing " multiple whistleblowers. The announcement of a second whistleblower -- the second intel whistleblower, on top of the IRS whistleblower who already existed, and who is being described as "an intelligence official with first-hand knowledge" (NOT "hearsay," Lindsey Graham!) of some of the allegations outlined in the original complaint, threw a wrench on ALL the talking points of Trump's ardent defenders, to the point that nobody from the White House even showed up for the Sunday shows. But a couple of idiots from Congress did!

It was perhaps most difficult this week for GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," OshKosh M'Gosh Johnson was asked about what he told the Wall Street Journal about how EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him Trump was doing quid pro quos with Ukraine and basically extorting the nation for electoral assistance in exchange, but don't worry, Donald Trump told him that's a damn lie and Donald Trump always tells the truth.

It did not go well for Johnson.

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popular

Did Wonkette Murder This Strange Man's Assault Cane Business? He Seems To Think So!

We'll take it!

Way, way back in July, I wrote a post here about the "Patriot Cane" — a solid steel cane manufactured for the purpose of assaulting liberals at protests and bludgeoning anyone exercising their First Amendment right to set an American flag on fire. I don't think I ever thought about it again until this morning, when I woke up to find that the Patriot Cane guy was blaming that article for the failure of his business, and that several of his associates would like me, a snowflake, to go back to my safe space. I assume that what they mean by "safe space" in this context would be a place in which I am not in danger of being whacked in the head with a steel cane, and yes, I would like to be there. Always, if I can help it.

But I am not the only one to blame here. The Patriot Cane guy also blames conservatives who did not rally together to purchase his canes in massive quantities for the purpose of spiting me and the hilarious article I wrote here on Wonkette.

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Culture Wars

Rudy Giuliani Took 'Blue' Anniversary of 9/11 A Little Too Literally

Here's a video that is bullshit!

September 11th, 2001 was a day that forever changed the course of history. It started a war we are still waging (Afghanistan), created new government departments (DHS, ICE), gave the government wide authorizations to violate privacy (Patriot Act), and created the security theater we all perform every time we want to go on a flight. (Because somehow a 16 ounce bottle of shampoo is bad, but two eight ounce bottles next to each other is cool. It's just science!) And as each year has passed, we've seen the anniversary of 9/11 cravenly used as a political tool, mostly by Republicans.

There is no better example of this than Trump's personal lawyer, former mayor of New York City and Nosferatu-looking fuckmouth: Rudy Giuliani.

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News

In The Matter Of Diamond And Silk's Very Real Lawyer v. Wonkette: Bring It, Sh*thead

YOU GUYS.

You guys. YOU GUYS.

Yr Wonkette received a cease and desist letter two nights ago. And it's from none other than our favorite black white nationalists (ALLEGEDLY), Gravel and Polyester. I mean Diamond and Silk. And I, A LAWYER, am just MANY EXCITE to tell you all about it.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Gave A$AP Rocky An Offer He Couldn't Refuse. He Refused.

He just wanted a Thank You, Gah!

Donald Trump is feeling salty again, and this time he may have a slightly legitimate reason to feel such a way. Not only is he having a month from hell, topped off by this last week where he legit seemed ready for the old 25th Amendment, but did you know A$AP Rocky STILL hasn't thanked Trump? Recently I filled you in on the goings on in "Trump Needs a Black Friend Land," where we discovered that Trump only has about five black friends, six if you include Kim Kardashian, but she doesn't count. We had wondered if Trump would be able to snag the elusive rap artist, but so far, not good.

Recall that Trump tirelessly worked his dialing finger to the nub, when he contacted Sweden, and told them they better not keep his black friend in jail too long. Sweden, ostensibly tired of pillow-talk with Trump, did the prudent thing and granted A$AP Rocky time served, and waved him a figurative "Bye, Felicia." so they could get that tangerine Deebo out of their hair.

Rocky, ever the statesman, was quick to thank his personal, and business connections for having his back, and expressed gratitude to his fans for supporting him. Guess what he DID NOT say? "Thank You President Trump" was not in the script Rocky wrote to wrap up his adventure.

From Inquisitor:

Donald Trump publicly worked on A$AP Rocky's behalf to help get the rapper out of jail. Reportedly, the president's motivation wasn't entirely altruistic.

Let's be real. He made a few phone calls, and continuously congratulated himself on his altruism. Anybody who thought Trump was being altruistic needs slapped back to the reality the rest of us live in. Trump doesn't do things out of the goodness of his heart. What are you 5? Grow the fuck up.

I bet you can hear me laughing from wherever you are about this headline Trump is sure to spot in the vanity searches he embarks on in search of Rocky's "Thank You" that I think may not ever materialize.

This is comedy gold right here.

"Donald Trump Reportedly Wanted A$AP Rocky To Thank Him, But The Rapper Stopped Returning His Texts"

Donald Trump got ghosted by a rapper. Tomi Lahren, eat your heart out. You're not the only one who can get dissed by a rapper anymore. And Trump's fail is way more epic:

A source told Yahoo News that Trump was hoping to leverage the situation to gain traction with black voters leading up to his 2020 run for re-election. The problem with the plan is that now that Rocky is free, he hasn't been responding to the White House anymore.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA HAAAAA HAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! LOLOLOLOLOL! Oh. Well, that's such a shame.

Five days after being detained, a "fixer" for high-profile entertainers reached out to Darrell Scott and Kareem Lanier, two of Donald Trump's most well-known black supporters.

I don't know them. Who are they? Please don't let them be related to or married to Diamond and fucking Silk, because honestly, I could auto-defenestrate at any time if I find out they've reproduced little tiny clones of themselves to ruin things for my own children later.

"The White House didn't ask for anything. There were no conditions attached, but my condition and Kareem's condition was that all I'm asking for you guys to do is say thank you," Scott said.

Hey, he gave him an offer he couldn't refuse. All the Don wants is a little gratitude, what's so hard about that? Why be such a rude, and utterly hilarious ingrate who doesn't even bother to bite the hand that feeds him, but instead whose silence calls bullshit on the idea that Donald did a muthafucking thing for him. Maybe this is legit how Sweden handles cases, and Trump just made things that much harder? Appears that may be the case.

But to let Trump Black friends number 6, and 7 tell it, Trump saved Rocky from the depths of Sweden's panopticon.

"I was like, man, you ungrateful motherf***ers, you. I can't believe you…. We didn't ask you guys for nothing other than for you guys to be grateful," Lanier told Rocky's attorney. "We just want you guys to be appreciative and say thank you."

Awwwwww! Does him not thanking Trump ruin everything y'all planned around that thank you? Oh! Are you mad?


I don't fucking like you www.youtube.com


Reportedly, however, Scott, Lanier, Trump, or anyone in White House have yet to hear back from the rapper or his team with the promised "thank you."

My God, how fucking weak can you be? You know, I am never one to lecture about things like integrity, honor, and being your best self, but I have to say something. When you do things for people because you want to help them, the last thing you want, or need, especially while they're still getting their bearings back, is a gratitude of any kind. You want them to be successful, and to not fall into the same traps that caused them to need you in the first place. When you do things because you want gratitude and black votes, you deserve to get your stupid punk mark ass played. I hope he does the opposite of thank you, I hope he keeps pretending you don't even exist.

[Inquisitor]

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News

Chris Wallace Sh*ts All Over Stephen Miller, So That's 'Sad'

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.

We went from Kellyanne Conway's impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.

Living these 2 1/2 years really ages you...

Giphy

So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:

So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.

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News

Alaska Governor Now Murdering Head Start, Medicaid, Universities

And the lege is basically shooting meth into its eyeballs.

The Alaska state legislature is meeting in Wasilla for some fucking reason. Oh, and it is also fucking meeting in goddamn Juneau like it's supposed to be. What the fuck is going on? I'll tell you. Hold onto your bootstraps, it's gonna be an ugly ass ride.

So far this year we have had our mystery ballot demystified, a shitty ass budget proposal, AK state Rep. Gabrielle LeDoux ejected from the House Majority Caucus, a regular legislative session, a Crime Bill, a special session, a compromise operating budget passed by both houses, a second special session called for by the governor, a veto, protests, the special session meeting in two different cities, the senate majority leader repealed and replaced, Rep. Tammie Wilson leaving the House Majority Caucus (led by a former Dem who flipped to an Indy in order to lead it), which contains both GOP and Dems, and a failed veto override. WE HAVE BEEN BUSY IN ALASKA, OKAY?

That brings us to the current day in this messiest of messes, aside from the horrifying budget proposal Governor Mike Dunleavy, our own off-brand Tim Robbins, laid on us like a dollop of poo in our root beer float. How did we get to this batshit place? Dunleavy promised our dumb asses we would get our full PFD -- muh Permanent Fund Dividend! -- if we voted for him. Members of both parties in the Alaska state legislature oppose the steep cuts our governor has proposed for the new budget. The budget is the source of ALL KINDS OF DRAMA, probably because it is a weaponized assassination document that Governor Dunleavy will be using to murder us all. Allegedly.

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