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BREAKING: House Republican Mark Souder Resigning TODAY, Over an Affair ... With a WOMAN!

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Indiana Republican and eight-term congressman Mark Souder is resigning immediately because he had sexytime with awoman who was not married-in-Christ to him. Souder just defeated a teabagger in the GOP primary, but with less than 50% of the vote, and eh we've never heard of this guy -- Indiana's third congressional district, we should pay more attention to this hotspot! -- so let's get to the crazy all-caps SORRY JEEBUS I PUT MY WANG IN ANOTHER LADY'S LADYPARTS. Also, he's a wingnut who campaigned on the bullshit "I will repeal Obamacare," so let the Devil take him!


The Devil take you, Mark Souder, for your Infidelity Against God! The Devil take you!

UPDATE: Here is sexy (?) video of the married mistress interviewing the married congressman about WHY PEOPLE CAN'T HAVE SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE, ACCORDING TO JESUS.

Here's the damning take from FoxNews:

Multiple senior House sources indicated that the extent of Souder's affair with the staffer would have landed him before the House Ethics Committee. Sources told Fox News that the aide, identified as Tracy Jackson, a woman in her mid-40s, would accompany the congressman to events and to record ads at a Christian radio broadcast station.

Elected as a family values conservative as part of the Republican revolution in 1994, Souder survived a tough re-election challenge in 2008 and survived a contested primary two weeks ago.

And here is Souder's hilarious idiot resignation statement, which he apparently had many days to prepare, ha ha:

"IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET I ANNOUNCE THAT I AM RESIGNING FROM THE US HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, AS WELL AS RESIGNING AS THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE FOR CONGRESS IN THIS FALL'S ELECTION.I BELIEVE IT IS THE BEST DECISION FOR MY FAMILY, THE PEOPLE OF NORTHEAST INDIANA, AND OUR COUNTRY. I WILL SUBMIT MY RESIGNATION TO SPEAKER PELOSI EFFECTIVE THIS FRIDAY. I CAN NEVER FULLY THANK ALL THOSE WHO HAVE WORKED SO HARD, GIVEN SO MUCH AND SUPPORTED ME THROUGH EIGHT CONTESTED PRIMARIES AND EIGHT GENERAL ELECTIONS.ONLY WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN THE RECIPIENT CAN YOU REALLY FEEL THE HUMBLING POWER OF SUCH GENEROSITY. IT HAS BEEN A PRIVILEGE TO BE A PART OF THE BATTLE FOR FREEDOM AND THE VALUES WE SHARE.IT HAS BEEN A GREAT HONOR TO FIGHT FOR THE NEEDS, THE JOBS, AND THE FUTURE OF THIS REGION WHERE MY FAMILY HAS LIVED FOR OVER 160 YEARS. IT HAS BEEN ALL CONSUMING FOR ME TO DO THIS JOB WELL, ESPECIALLY IN A DISTRICT WITH COSTLY, COMPETITIVE ELECTIONS EVERY TWO YEARS I DO NOT HAVE ANY SORT OF "NORMAL" LIFE - FOR FAMILY, FOR FRIENDS, FOR CHURCH, FOR COMMUNITY.TO SERVE HAS BEEN A BLESSING AND A RESPONSIBILITY GIVEN FROM GOD.I WISH I COULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER EXAMPLE. I SINNED AGAINST GOD, MY WIFE AND MY FAMILY BY HAVING A MUTUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A PART-TIME MEMBER OF MY STAFF.IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN. I AM RESIGNING RATHER THAN TO PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH THAT PAINFUL, DRAWN-OUT PROCESS.DIANE AND MY FAMILY WERE MORE THAN WILLING TO STAND HERE WITH ME. WE ARE A COMMITTED FAMILY. BUT THE ERROR IS MINE AND I SHOULD BEAR THE RESPONSIBILITY, NOT ONLY AM I THANKFUL FOR A LOVING FAMILY BUT FOR A LOVING GOD. MY COMFORT IS THAT GOD IS A GRACIOUS AND FORGIVING GOD TO THOSE WHO SINCERELY SEEK HIS FORGIVENESS AS I DO. BUT I AM SO ASHAMED TO HAVE HURT THOSE I LOVE.I AM SO SORRY TO HAVE LET SO MANY FRIENDS DOWN, PEOPLE WHO HAVE FOUGHT SO HARD FOR ME. THE IDEAS WE ADVOCATE ARE STILL JUST AND RIGHT.AMERICA WILL SURVIVE AND THRIVE WHEN ANCHORED IN THOSE VALUES.HUMAN BEINGS, LIKE ME, WILL FAIL, BUT OUR CAUSE IS GREATER THAN INDIVIDUALS.IT IS BASED UPON ETERNAL TRUTHS.BY STEPPING ASIDE, MY MISTAKE CANNOT BE USED AS A POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN A PARTISAN ATTEMPT TO UNDERMINE THE CAUSE FOR WHICH I HAVE LABORED ALL MY ADULT LIFE.I LOVE THIS AREA.THIS IS MY HOME.IT HAS BEEN SUCH AN HONOR TO SERVE YOU.FOR SIXTEEN YEARS, MY FAMILY AND I HAVE GIVEN OUR ALL FOR THIS AREA. THE TOLL HAS BEEN HIGH.AS I LEAVE PUBLIC OFFICE, MY PLANS ARE FOCUSED UPON REPAIRING MY MARRIAGE, EARNING BACK THE TRUST OF MY FAMILY AND MY COMMUNITY, AND RENEWING MY WALK WITH MY LORD. I HUMBLY ASK YOU, FOR THE SAKE OF MY FAMILY THAT YOU RESPECT OUR PRIVACY IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME."

Ha ha, he blames "THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC" for making him take an Indiana lady around to Christian radio stations in Indiana and then fucking her all the time, GROSS and also, sorry, not exactly "THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC." Fuck you, hypocrite. The Lord not only isn't going to be renewing any walks with you (gross), but you are also going to Hell, with the Devil. The Devil take you!

[Washington Post/Fox News]

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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