Stop. Collaborate and listen!

Sometimes Kaili and I have a philosophical disagreement. For instance, John Kasich might say something that's not insane. My first instinct is to pat him on the head and give him positive reinforcement and maybe eventually he will be Not a Dickbag. Kaili's response, on the other hand, is invariably FUCK THAT GUY.

Well, today House Speaker Paul Ryan apologized for calling 47 percent of your Fellow Americans a bunch of lazy mooching freeloading "takers" all these years. He gave a pretty nice speech about it! He apologized almost as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger did back when he was always having to apologize for everything (boob grabbing, grabbing boobs). (Seriously, Schwarzenegger is a GREAT apologizer. None of that "if you were offended" bullshit; instead, he always said why what he'd said or done was wrong, showing he'd actually internalized the lesson! AMAZING!)

Here, let's watch!

Oh, wrong video.

Here it is!

Well it is always nice when people realize they were wrong and shitty and un-American and NOPE FUCK THAT GUY.

"I stopped calling single moms trying to feed their kids leeches, GIVE ME A FUCKING MEDAL."

"I only want to dismantle MOST of the poverty programs and replace them with block grants, I AM BASICALLY JESUS."

"I stole this little boy out of someone's book and used his tale as a reason why children should not get food at school and how liberals want their babies to die, I AM AS GOOD AT READING AS TED CRUZ."

My point is, NOPE! FUCK THAT GUY. I am sure meeting Pope Francis Nice Nice made him think twice about his part in kicking poor people in their stupid dumb faces, like Jesus commanded (but then I also credit Pope Francis Nice Nice with convincing John Boehner to spend more time with his chardonnay).

And still NOPE! FUCK THAT GUY! You don't get to be the Republican head of the House of Representatives and talk about how you don't hate poor people (anymore), even if you did finally realize that a lot of those people on food stamps are white.

Paul Ryan, go run for president somewhere else.


[ABC Twitter]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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The Dumb Song Of J. Dinesh Prufrock

A quick Dear Shitferbrains for you smart kids today, in response to our recent piece on Dinesh D'Souza's continued insistence that historian Kevin M. Kruse please bitchslap him with facts again and again. It turns out we picked the wrong historian to lionize, according to "Hadding Scott," who dropped by to let us know we had foolishly referred to a mere Princeton professor instead of to the most comprehensive take-down-er of D'Souza's lies, "Hadding Scott" himself.

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Among the primary results from Tuesday that we didn't report: Chris Murphy, US Senator from Connecticut, managed to hold on to the Democratic nomination for a second term. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, he didn't win the nom Tuesday -- he'd already been nominated at the state party convention in May, and the Dem primary was cancelled since Murphy was the only one to file. Murphy's also heavily favored to win reelection this fall. The biggest question for Murphy is whether he's hoping to seek some other office in a couple years. (As if any prominent Democratic senator hasn't already mentally compared their inaugural crowd size to Trump's.)

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