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How Did Trump Family Survive All This Time Without People Reminding Them To Breathe?

Elections

I regret to inform you of the death of satire. Oft-mourned, it had until now always managed a glorious resurrection, but I think it is possible that the Trump clan have finally killed it d-e-d dead.


You see, four of them were sent absentee ballots for New York's election. Jared, Ivanka, Melania and Donald. In order, that's the guy who's in charge of peace in the Middle East, the woman whose Sisyphean task is to convince people her father's not goddamned insane, the woman whose even more futile work is to put some class on the fucking place, and the President of the United States of America.

Guess how many absentee ballots, of the four, were returned properly filled out to the New York Board of Elections? ZERO. ZERO BALLOTS CAME BACK PROPERLY. Let's check in with our contestants in this game show we call civic participation!

Jared? Yeah, he just never bothered. To vote.

Ivanka managed to fill out her ballot properly but had trouble with the concept of linear time and therefore decided to mail hers on Election Day itself.

Melania managed to think ahead, but the four-sentence instruction of "vote, put ballot in envelope, sign envelope, put envelope in mailing envelope" stymied her and she sent in an unsigned ballot.

Donald, surprisingly, did the best out of the lot! He managed to completely fill the ballot out, sign in all the proper places, and get it mailed off in time. However, he's been docked points for getting his own birthdate wrong, which may or may not invalidate his ballot.

These are, I need not remind you, the people who are in charge of the Executive Branch. I recommend bourbon, or vodka depending on whether you like clear or dark liquor.

Also, this is YOUR OPEN THREAD!

[Vanity Fair]

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Barack Obama delivered his first major address of his post-presidency Tuesday at an event in Johannesburg, South Africa, honoring the 100th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's birth. It was -- as you'd expect for the occasion -- appropriately dignified and thoughtful. It was also every bit as inspiring as you might expect from the first black American president speaking in memory of the first black president of a nation that for most of its modern history was synonymous with apartheid. Let's take some time to bask in what an actual world leader sounds like, shall we?

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Guess what Vladimir Putin's getting for Christmas! He's been dropping hints, and you know the Big Orange Baboon can't say no to him for some unknown reason. Gonna be so cute when little Vladdy stumbles down the stairs in his PJs, brushes the sleep from his eyes, and finds MONTENEGRO all wrapped up with a big bow under the Christmas tree. Adorbz!

Oh, but we are to kid! Just a little levity as President Treasonweasel slams a sledgehammer into the international framework that kept us out of another world war for the past 70 years. So why are we suddenly talking about a tinyass country whose chief export appears to be consonants? (Sorry, Montenegro. But your Predsjednik Crne Gore is Milo Đukanović, and your capital city is Cetinje, which is just cheating at Scrabble.)

Well! Donald Trump just got out of a two-hour, closed-door meeting with Vladimir Putin, whose government tried to stage a coup in 2016 to assassinate Đukanović and stop Montenegro's accession to the European Union. Which might not be a coincidence!

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