How I Would Moderate The Democrat Debate By Me, Laura Ingraham
Professional terrible person Laura Ingrahm wasn't thrilled with the two-part Socialist Showdown masquerading as a Democratic debate. Her tiki torch went up in flames because CNN permitted Don Lemon to moderate Tuesday's restricted club debate. Lemon's obviously compromised and biased because he believes Donald Trump is racist on account of everything he's ever said or done. She vented about this on her white power hour to her panel of shameless hacks.
INGRAHAM: How does CNN defend having Lemon moderate this debate? I mean, just proclaiming Trump, you know, someone who traffics in racial division, I mean, that was actually a question.
Ingraham's right that it's not really a question whether Trump "traffics in racial division." It's literally all he does. They should get him one of those reflective vests crossing guards wear. Trump's lapdog lawyer Rudy Giuliani, a gross racist himself, argued that Democrats had ruined racism's good name.
GIULIANI: I think being called a racist now is not what it was 10, 20 years ago. I think they've demeaned it. I don't know what the American people even think a racist is anymore, because it's used all the time.
Thanks, Democrats! You've single-handedly made "racist" as meaningless a term as "farm-to-table" or "artisanal." Americans used to know what a "racist" was, and according to Fox News and Giuliani himself, the actual "racists" were Barack Obama or any black person who politely suggested that their lives mattered.
Ingraham doesn't doubt racism exists. She just thinks Obama's responsible for not ending it within his first 100 days. This is why she should've moderated the debates. She would've asked the right questions. She provided some helpful examples on her Twitter feed.
When a racist like Ingraham talks about "fixing" the racial divide, what she actually wants is for someone to keep black people quiet, except for the occasional musical number. She wants a presidential guarantee of no riots and zero complaints about unwarranted police shootings. Ingraham obviously doesn't want anyone productively addressing the causes of racism because that might involve sending her back to her hell dimension. She's grown comfortable within her flesh skin and enjoys the perks of living in the mortal world. There's gelato!
It also bugged Ingraham that the only Democrat seemingly praising Obama last night was Biden, who will likely set off another blackface scandal when he shows up at the next debate as Obama. It's fair to say that Ingraham loathes Obama. She couldn't even be gracious during the brother's farewell address. You'd think the easiest way for Democrats to satisfy her would be to just not say anything nice about the former president, but she's just like Prince's mother. It's a waste of time.
Moderator Ingraham also would've demanded answers from Democrats about why they haven't fixed everything in America she personally doesn't like. It's a long list. There's the entire public school system.
And Baltimore. Why haven't Democrats "fixed" Baltimore already? Ingraham wants Baltimore returned and exchanged for a shiny new Scottsdale.
Seriously, WTF?TwitterIngraham also would've called out Julian Castro for failing to "fix" the Flint water crisis that started just before he became HUD secretary.
This is the most random of Ingraham's digs. Castro had proposals for addressing the crisis when he was HUD secretary. He probably is the best person to address the issue -- unless Amy Klobuchar has access to a TARDIS and can hop back five years or so and lock former Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder in a closet.
We suppose an Ingraham-moderated Democratic debate would be worth watching if you hated Democrats. She did have some kind words for Sen. Michael Bennet, who is apparently also running for president.
See, she almost feels sorry for the Colorado senator. But she makes clear that he chose to be a Democrat, so she's not going to cry for him even if she were physically capable.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."