Gather 'round, Wonketeers, because today we're dropping not one but two Bill O'Reilly-shaped turds in yr stockings — it's a Festivus miracle! We begin with O'Reilly's remarks on Late Night with Seth Meyers.


We won the war on Christmas. We won, alright? And this is true, this is the only year — I've been doing this for about ten years — it's the only year we've not had a store that commanded its employees not to say 'Merry Christmas.' It's over. We won.

Way to go, Bill-O! You've deftly recaptured the triumphal spirit of Christmas, a spirit to which the bones of pagan peoples all across northern Europe can attest. We can think of neither a better way to honor the birth of the Prince of Peace, nor a more succinct example of why Seth Meyers's show is consistently unwatchable.

[contextly_sidebar id="p2ScDGIOKGZwE5FGI5hbNGtFW2F8O4jw"]So that was the toned-down, network-friendly version. If you wanted the raw, uncut, straight-off-the-docks shit, you had to catch O'Reilly's Fox News show, A Splotchy White Man Shouts At People. In the safe space of his own studio, Bill went weapons free.

We won the war, and y'know, I have to confess, I'm kind of a guerrilla fighter in the War on Christmas. You know what I do? I put little shepherds right in front of city hall in my town. Or if I know there's a secular person in my town or the town neighboring me, I put a little baby jesus on their windshield [laughter].

HA HA, HA HA, HA HA oh Bill, stop, stop, our sides! Because what's funnier than deploying majoritarian iconography on the private property of minorities in the dead of night? Good thing there's no ugly history of anything like that ever happening in this country.

In the same episode, O'Reilly has a conversation about race with Martin Luther King III. If you thought "pants up, don't loot!" was a clever play on words, you are gonna have a thigh-slappin' good time with this one.

[Obama should say] here is a pathway to success: don't abandon your children. Don't get pregnant at 14. Don't allow your neighborhoods to deteriorate into free-fire zones. That's what the African-American community should have on their t-shirts. Am I wrong?

Yes, yes you're fucking wrong, and Yr Wonkette isn't quite sure how a man of Irish ancestry is so cavalier about preaching family planning to other ethnic groups (of course we are, it's 'cuz of white privilege). Martin Luther King III listens to O'Reilly, then launches a rejoinder that hits O'Reilly square between his beady little eyes. Usually, that's a kill shot, but that presumes the eyes actually have a brain behind them.

Martin Luther King III: Well, I think that's a part of it, but that's not the entirety. I do think that my dad said that, 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere,' so unfortunately right now, the nation is focused on one segment instead of the whole. I think we need to use this opportunity to not just focus on that one segment, but to focus on the whole, so that we are addressing, not just those issues just as we're addresssing instances of police misconduct.

O'Reilly: Okay. Do you think this is a noble country?

And thus O'Reilly launches into his standard-issue loyalty test. MLK III affirms that he is not now and has never been a member of the Communist Party of the United States, nor does he associate with known communists or other agents of corrupting foreign powers. Satisfied with his response, O'Reilly ended the segment relatively convinced of MLK III's right to remain an American citizen.

Cruelly, O'Reilly did not wish MLK III a merry Christmas. Here's the videos, in case you want to hate-watch.

[Media Matters/ Media Matters/ and also Media Matters]

Follow Dan on Twitter.

Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc