How Will Republicans Bungle Away Their New 49-47 Generic Ballot Polling Advantage?
Don't worry about this recent poll that shows Generic Republican leading Generic Democrat in Generic Congressional race 49% to 47%. Never mind that Democrats were 8 points clear in this poll just last month, probably due to the time Obama personally barricaded all the national parks with heaps of dead veterans and bald eagles. Americans have a lot going on! They sometimes forget that they support social insurance, abortion rights, gay marriage, immigration reform, gun control, alternative energy, cute puppies, and higher taxes on the wealthy.
It's all a bit depressing, but don't swallow that fistful of Seconal just yet, because here are five ways Republicans could blow it all. Place your bets!
3-1: Obamacare pulls its head out of its ass
Unlike so many things that are Obama's fault, this polling plunge is Obama's fault. "You can keep your plan" was a really stupid thing to say, and no we do not believe for a second that Obama thought it was true when he said it or whatever. The man was trying to win an election against a guy with an impressive chin, he said what he felt he needed to say, and now the consequences. ANYWAY, just like people forgot about the shutdown, they'll forget about "keep your plan" soon enough, and if Obamacare's sailing along like a well-oiled mixed metaphor come November 2014, Democrats will be fine.
5-1: GOP primary roulette
Sharron Angle. Todd Akin. Richard Mourdock. Joe Miller. Christine O'Donnell. You get the picture. Can we count on the actual crazy people who decide GOP primaries to nominate a bunch of folks who will go on to say baffling things about rape, throat-ramming, tar babies, witches, gay butt-crimes, macacas, etc.? It's a good bet. The only reason the odds aren't higher on this one is that we thought of it after the first one.
10-1: Another shutdown
We're on track for another pointless budget crisis early next year, can't wait. Republicans could decide they need to shut down the government again because Zombie Sharron Angle is back in their districts telling everyone she's got their balls in her purse, but it's not particularly likely. Ted Cruz has already established his nut job bona fides, so he'll find some way to bravely run away from another standoff while claiming a glorious victory. Even if they do shut that whole thing down again, people will forget all about hey did you see Extreme Couponers last night? There was a problem at the register!
33-1: Something terrible or awesome happens
Rally around the flag! Remember how very few people cared much for George W. Bush at first, but then 9/11 happened and suddenly he was a bold and infallible leader? Could happen again, although people would certainly not react the same way to another terrorist attack of that scale, especially if Muslims did it. Maybe pirates will capture a Disney cruise ship and Obama will join Seal Team Six for one last mission -- but when he discovers a dark secret, the true value of friendship will jizz in a pie. Or something good could happen, like Obamacare works. Oh we did that one. Maybe bin Laden's third wife will make a porn.
1,000-1: People wise up and realize that the entire purpose of the modern Republican party is to enact policies that help exceptionally wealthy people become even richer at the expense of their job security, fair wages, and any hope they ever had of joining the middle class