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New York Magazine has a pretty gross story this week:

UGH WHY? Look, we know these are weird times, when we have to constantly hear about what President Wraps-It-Never does with this tangerine guppy dick, but we do not need to hear about his evening phone sexxxes with Fox News hosts.

But we guess it's important, because on top of a happy release session for the president, it's also his evening intelligence briefing.

As Olivia Nuzzi reports, it is after 10 o'clock on a typical evening in the White House, Donald Trump is on the third floor, and Sean Hannity has just gone off the air. Hannity may have just finished a handover like the one that happened last evening, where he and Laura Ingraham did their best impression of normal human beings, with Ingraham fawning all over Hannity for being SO PERFECT, and Hannity play-bitching about how he is gross and Old Balls now, but not that old:

After that one minute handover that somehow feels like three hours, it might be time for Hannity's real sexxxy flirt chat, with President Fuckstump.

The president might look like an After Dark version of this:

Melania is not there, because she and Donald sleep in separate bedrooms, because she haaaaaaate him. Or maybe she is in the hospital. The president forgets.

Point is, he's about to get a phone call from the real object of his affection, his closest most trusted adviser, the only guy who really understands him. And when it comes ... LOL we just said "comes" ...

Their chats begin casually, with How are yous and What’s going ons.

"I put on my robe and wizard hat."

Look, we're just going to steal this tweet from Tbogg, because he already said all the "I"m so hard right now" jokes we wanted to make:

According to Nuzzi, Trump and Hannity don't talk in the morning, because that's Executive Time. Trump used to watch "Morning Joe" during those hours, which had the unfortunate effect of making him SO MAD, but luckily, the White House staff tricked him into watching "Fox & Friends" in the mornings, because that puts him in a better mood. Yes, this is something actual White House staff had to do, to make sure President Grumpypants isn't too grumpy for his three hour workday.

Regrettably, though Trump is now on a "complete dosage of Fox," it's still not ideal:

[T]he current official acknowledged that it has created a different set of problems: “Sometimes on Fox, a lot of stories are embellished, and they don’t necessarily cover the big news stories of the day."

Mark it in your calendars, because that's a White House Trump Idiot acknowledging that Fox News is full of shit.

But enough about President Lazy Ass's mornings! Let's get back to the HAWT STUFF, when Hannity does Night Moves to Trump with his tongue. (ON THE PHONE!)

According to Nuzzi, Hannity tells Trump he's pretty and right about everything and, yeah, we wouldn't be surprised if it gets a little bit XXX sometimes, because how could it not?

On the phone, he and the president alternate between the “witch hunt!” and gabbing like old girlfriends about media gossip and whose show sucks and who’s getting killed in the ratings and who’s winning (Hannity, and therefore Trump) and sports and Kanye West, all of it sprinkled with a staccato fuck … fucking … fucked … fucker.

Told you it gets nasty up in there!

And after these phone calls, they have to call in reinforcements to clean up the mess Hannity just made, and no, that is not a jizz joke, you pervert:

The former White House official called the trouble caused by Hannity, and Fox more broadly, “a fucked-up feedback loop” that puts Trump “in a weird headspace. What ends up happening is Judge Jeanine or Hannity fill him up with a bunch of crazy shit, and everyone on staff has to go and knock down all the fucking fires they started.”

"EVERYONE ON STAFF." That is yet another Trump Idiot acknowledging that the conservative media is FULL-O-SHIT, and worse, they know it.

Anyway, Nuzzi reports that Trump relies on his nightly sexxx call from Hannity because Melania won't talk to him like Hannity talks to him. And these calls keep happening even though Hannity knows how "nuts" Trump is, because according to one of Nuzzi's sources, Hannity is the "world's biggest starfucker." Which is just ... so sad.

This is also proffered as an explanation for why Hannity, who should know better, would retain Michael Cohen, the world's worst lawyer who graduated from the world's worst law school.

“Why would anybody be nice to Cohen?” asked a person close to the president. “Because he was ‘Trump’s lawyer,’ so Hannity sees that and he assumes, If Trump thinks he’s smart, then he’s smart!” The person who knows Hannity and Trump agreed. “I think the obvious answer is the answer: He’s a total suck-up. It’s almost like getting a lock of Elvis’s hair or something.”

Dumbass!

Finally, one of Nuzzi's sources says nobody would be surprised if they found out Hannity and Trump do wife-swaps, and that is our cue to check out of this post and go throw up our breakfast, THE END!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[New York Mag]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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