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New York Magazine has a pretty gross story this week:

UGH WHY? Look, we know these are weird times, when we have to constantly hear about what President Wraps-It-Never does with this tangerine guppy dick, but we do not need to hear about his evening phone sexxxes with Fox News hosts.

But we guess it's important, because on top of a happy release session for the president, it's also his evening intelligence briefing.

As Olivia Nuzzi reports, it is after 10 o'clock on a typical evening in the White House, Donald Trump is on the third floor, and Sean Hannity has just gone off the air. Hannity may have just finished a handover like the one that happened last evening, where he and Laura Ingraham did their best impression of normal human beings, with Ingraham fawning all over Hannity for being SO PERFECT, and Hannity play-bitching about how he is gross and Old Balls now, but not that old:

After that one minute handover that somehow feels like three hours, it might be time for Hannity's real sexxxy flirt chat, with President Fuckstump.

The president might look like an After Dark version of this:

Melania is not there, because she and Donald sleep in separate bedrooms, because she haaaaaaate him. Or maybe she is in the hospital. The president forgets.

Point is, he's about to get a phone call from the real object of his affection, his closest most trusted adviser, the only guy who really understands him. And when it comes ... LOL we just said "comes" ...

Their chats begin casually, with How are yous and What’s going ons.

"I put on my robe and wizard hat."

Look, we're just going to steal this tweet from Tbogg, because he already said all the "I"m so hard right now" jokes we wanted to make:

According to Nuzzi, Trump and Hannity don't talk in the morning, because that's Executive Time. Trump used to watch "Morning Joe" during those hours, which had the unfortunate effect of making him SO MAD, but luckily, the White House staff tricked him into watching "Fox & Friends" in the mornings, because that puts him in a better mood. Yes, this is something actual White House staff had to do, to make sure President Grumpypants isn't too grumpy for his three hour workday.

Regrettably, though Trump is now on a "complete dosage of Fox," it's still not ideal:

[T]he current official acknowledged that it has created a different set of problems: “Sometimes on Fox, a lot of stories are embellished, and they don’t necessarily cover the big news stories of the day."

Mark it in your calendars, because that's a White House Trump Idiot acknowledging that Fox News is full of shit.

But enough about President Lazy Ass's mornings! Let's get back to the HAWT STUFF, when Hannity does Night Moves to Trump with his tongue. (ON THE PHONE!)

According to Nuzzi, Hannity tells Trump he's pretty and right about everything and, yeah, we wouldn't be surprised if it gets a little bit XXX sometimes, because how could it not?

On the phone, he and the president alternate between the “witch hunt!” and gabbing like old girlfriends about media gossip and whose show sucks and who’s getting killed in the ratings and who’s winning (Hannity, and therefore Trump) and sports and Kanye West, all of it sprinkled with a staccato fuck … fucking … fucked … fucker.

Told you it gets nasty up in there!

And after these phone calls, they have to call in reinforcements to clean up the mess Hannity just made, and no, that is not a jizz joke, you pervert:

The former White House official called the trouble caused by Hannity, and Fox more broadly, “a fucked-up feedback loop” that puts Trump “in a weird headspace. What ends up happening is Judge Jeanine or Hannity fill him up with a bunch of crazy shit, and everyone on staff has to go and knock down all the fucking fires they started.”

"EVERYONE ON STAFF." That is yet another Trump Idiot acknowledging that the conservative media is FULL-O-SHIT, and worse, they know it.

Anyway, Nuzzi reports that Trump relies on his nightly sexxx call from Hannity because Melania won't talk to him like Hannity talks to him. And these calls keep happening even though Hannity knows how "nuts" Trump is, because according to one of Nuzzi's sources, Hannity is the "world's biggest starfucker." Which is just ... so sad.

This is also proffered as an explanation for why Hannity, who should know better, would retain Michael Cohen, the world's worst lawyer who graduated from the world's worst law school.

“Why would anybody be nice to Cohen?” asked a person close to the president. “Because he was ‘Trump’s lawyer,’ so Hannity sees that and he assumes, If Trump thinks he’s smart, then he’s smart!” The person who knows Hannity and Trump agreed. “I think the obvious answer is the answer: He’s a total suck-up. It’s almost like getting a lock of Elvis’s hair or something.”

Dumbass!

Finally, one of Nuzzi's sources says nobody would be surprised if they found out Hannity and Trump do wife-swaps, and that is our cue to check out of this post and go throw up our breakfast, THE END!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[New York Mag]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Let the quitfiring begin! Donald Trump's own internal polls are shit, so obviously it's time to fire the pollsters. Last week, the New York Times reported that Trump is freaking out and using his ancient, unsecured cellphone to make late night booty calls to his old pals for a little rub and tug to his ego. Russia, if you're listening ... and we know you are.

The Ego in Chief is flipping his shit because his own pollster Tony Fabrizio -- of Paul Manafort kickback and internal polling shared with Russians fame -- showed Trump trailing Biden badly this March in 11 swing states, with close races in six others. Trump's campaign manager Brad "Pube Beard" Parscale has been bragging about expanding his campaign into New Mexico, New Hampshire, and Nevada, at the same time his internal polls show them losing Pennsylvania by 16, Wisconsin by 11, Minnesota by 14, Michigan by 13, North Carolina by 8, Virginia by 17, and Ohio by 1. Fabrizio even showed him losing Georgia by 6!

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