Illinois Bishop Has Godly Plan To Keep Gay Cooties Out Of Schools
Non-Sex-Having Man Wearing Dress Wants To Lecture You On Sexual Norms
In an attempt to clamp down on all the rampant sin in Springfield, Illinois, the local Catholic diocese is planning to rid its schools of the offspring of homosexxxicans. Also, for the sake of insisting that they're not bigots, the schools will aim to weed out kids whose parents aren't "living in accord with church teaching." Parents are not required to actually be Catholic, but they darn well better do sex like Catholics are supposed to, according to a new "Family School Agreement" pushed by Bishop Thomas Paprocki.
The policy went into effect July 20, but not all schools in the diocese have yet required parents to sign the agreement. The document informs parents and guardians that they're expected to meet with their local priest to explain themselves if they're divorced and remarried without an annulment, shacking up with another person of either gender, or gay-married, which is not even really married at all. Yr Wonkette is uncertain whether the agreement considers straight people who weren't married in a Catholic service to be really married or not; our own departed mother was quite certain that -- despite being married in a civil ceremony -- Yr Doktor Zoom was, at least from a doctrinal perspective, actually still living in sin with his first wife, since only Catholic weddings count.
The agreement is the brainchild of Bishop Thomas Paprocki, who you may remember as the perfectly sane zealot who performed an exorcism on the entire state of Illinois when then-Gov. Pat Quinn signed marriage equality into law in 2013. Paprocki acknowledged in a letter to priests and school principals that the new policy had become necessary after a same-sex couple -- who thought they were married, if you can believe that! -- tried to enroll their adopted kids in Christ the King elementary school in Springfield.
Shopper State Journal-Review reports that the Family School Agreement includes a "discipleship and stewardship" section aimed at policing schoolchildren's parents, because why even have a Catholic school if you're going to admit the offspring of any old freaks? The agreement mandates that:
the entire family, even if some members aren't Catholic, participate in weekly Mass and on holy days of obligation, and it "obliges" families to try to tithe at least 8 percent of their income to the parish church in addition to paying school tuition.
Jonathan Sullivan, the Springfield diocese's "director of catechetical services," said that it would be up to individual parishes to monitor families and make sure they attend Mass and tithe the appropriate amounts.
The State Journal-Review notes that Catholic school enrollment is declining nationwide, and that Sullivan acknowledges the Springfield Diocese has seen a similar drop-off in enrollment. Maybe doing everything they can to crack down on the personal behavior of parents will be the shot in the arm the diocese needs.
About 16 percent of families with students in Springfield Diocese high schools are non-Catholic, while non-Catholic enrollment in elementary and middle schools is around 13.7 percent. The paper didn't ask any representatives of the diocese to quantify what percentage of its Catholic families completely ignore Church teachings banning contraception, or whether parents would be required to take an oath not to employ little rubber devices to prevent issue. We guess they're still working on an enforcement mechanism; possibly a family head count would do the trick.
There you go. You know you were going to post it in the comments (which we don't allow) anyway.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.