I’m Sorry, NSA


To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency,

I’m sorry.

I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications.

In the course of monitoring my phone and Internet activity, you may have come across some troubling or even disturbing materials. I wanted to offer my sincere apologies for any mental harm or anguish I may have caused. There are a few items in particular I feel should account for.

  • Despite how it may appear in the photographs, the monkey is well-cared for and quite happy.
  • I agree that I should probably not use a single password for every online account that I have, and that the password I use could be less racist.
  • I stand by my assertion that AltaVista remains the superior search engine, but I admit that the erotic Twighlight fan fiction forums was not the best place to make that argument, and that I did not need to be so personally insulting while making my points. I am sending a separate apology to EdwardsDarkMistress95.
  • I will stop poking people on Facebook.
  • I should not have posted on Yelp that the Applebees near my house put ground rat into the burgers. I should also not have given it four stars.
  • I am sorry that I catfished all those people. I know many of them were genuinely hurt. That said, they should have realized it was Tina Yothers in the photographs I sent.
  • I apologize for all the poetry.
  • I am sorry for posting so many pictures of my cats. Well, “my” cats.
  • Personally, I think the videos I posted to YouTube were in good taste. If I have any regrets, it is engaging the comments section. That was a mistake.
  • This isn’t really so much an apology, but could you explain how Reddit works? Nobody ever votes my stuff up.
  • Even I can admit that I tweet a lot of “YOLO!” jokes. Too many, to be perfectly honest. But you only live once. (Sorry.)
  • I apologize for creating that “100,000 Strong for Brogurt” group on Facebook.
  • Clearly I never should have joined eHarmony in the first place, but I don’t see the point of having 29 dimensions of compatibility if “Tensile Tongue Strength” isn’t one of them.
  • I think we can all agree that I did not act appropriately when the Google Maps car passed me, and I apologize to everyone who has looked at that cemetery in Street View.
  • I am sorry that I still use AOL for email. I am aware that it is 2013, and that there is no excuse.

Once again, I am very sorry. Thank you for keeping our nation safe.


Jesse Berney

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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