To whom it may concern at the National Security Agency,

I’m sorry.

I realize you have 315 million citizens to monitor, but I am certain you have had to pay particular attention to my case file, given my affinity for terrorist-related lifestyle publications.

In the course of monitoring my phone and Internet activity, you may have come across some troubling or even disturbing materials. I wanted to offer my sincere apologies for any mental harm or anguish I may have caused. There are a few items in particular I feel should account for.

  • Despite how it may appear in the photographs, the monkey is well-cared for and quite happy.
  • I agree that I should probably not use a single password for every online account that I have, and that the password I use could be less racist.
  • I stand by my assertion that AltaVista remains the superior search engine, but I admit that the erotic Twighlight fan fiction forums was not the best place to make that argument, and that I did not need to be so personally insulting while making my points. I am sending a separate apology to EdwardsDarkMistress95.
  • I will stop poking people on Facebook.
  • I should not have posted on Yelp that the Applebees near my house put ground rat into the burgers. I should also not have given it four stars.
  • I am sorry that I catfished all those people. I know many of them were genuinely hurt. That said, they should have realized it was Tina Yothers in the photographs I sent.
  • I apologize for all the poetry.
  • I am sorry for posting so many pictures of my cats. Well, “my” cats.
  • Personally, I think the videos I posted to YouTube were in good taste. If I have any regrets, it is engaging the comments section. That was a mistake.
  • This isn’t really so much an apology, but could you explain how Reddit works? Nobody ever votes my stuff up.
  • Even I can admit that I tweet a lot of “YOLO!” jokes. Too many, to be perfectly honest. But you only live once. (Sorry.)
  • I apologize for creating that “100,000 Strong for Brogurt” group on Facebook.
  • Clearly I never should have joined eHarmony in the first place, but I don’t see the point of having 29 dimensions of compatibility if “Tensile Tongue Strength” isn’t one of them.
  • I think we can all agree that I did not act appropriately when the Google Maps car passed me, and I apologize to everyone who has looked at that cemetery in Street View.
  • I am sorry that I still use AOL for email. I am aware that it is 2013, and that there is no excuse.

Once again, I am very sorry. Thank you for keeping our nation safe.


Jesse Berney


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