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Have you ever met an immigrant? They are so interesting, these people, with their foreign customs (cherry blossom festivals, moon worship, human sacrifice) and rituals (throwing salt over one shoulder for good luck, dancing for good luck, beating their wives for good luck). Liberals greatly enjoy prattling on about how immigrants and their children add a lot to our culture, sometimes even by joining our military industrial complex and fighting on behalf of our oil companies, or perhaps simply by getting into better schools than their fat, slovenly American-born counterparts.


But! Once again, foolish liberals will have to eat their words, because haha, the anchor babies are leaving. So sayeth the New York Times:

In growing numbers, experts say, highly educated children of immigrants to the United States are uprooting themselves and moving to their ancestral countries. They are embracing homelands that their parents once spurned but that are now economic powers...For generations, the world’s less-developed countries have suffered so-called brain drain — the flight of many of their best and brightest to the West. That has not stopped, but now a reverse flow has begun, particularly to countries like China and India and, to a lesser extent, Brazil and Russia.

How can this be? Why should this be? Well, thanks to the impressive polling resources afforded me by your Wonkette, I have done an in-depth scientific study of the topic and come up with a few clear reasons why these kids are getting the fuck out of Dodge (Dodge = your nation, America.)

1. You ignored them in high school. Sure, Samir was a whiz at math and Yuki could always be counted on to deliver a longer-than-required book report, but were those adequate reasons for not inviting them to your carb-filled American birthday parties and, later, disgusting puke-inducing boozefests? Just because they were quieter and better-behaved than you and your gross buddies didn't mean they didn't want in on cake and kegstands.

2. REAL [fill in the blank] food is so much better in its country of origin. Have you ever watched "No Reservations," the documentary travel program hosted by the weirdly endearing, occasionally slightly sexy Anthony Bourdain? On this show, Anthony goes to various hellholes and consumes their fried muskrats and twice-baked poop pies, and he inevitably has a good time and really enjoys the food. These are delicacies you just can't get unless a wizened old grandmother with gnarled hands and hard-won wisdom makes them in her backyard firepit down by the River Xeruchuxao.

3. Economic prosperity. Yes, jobs are annoying and you have to go every single day, but on the upside, they bring you money and sometimes even professional and personal satisfaction! Some countries are home to things called "growth industries" and "expanding markets," which inevitably lead to "greater employment opportunities." That would possibly be a reason to leave the land in which you dwell. In fact, it's probably the reason your immigrant ancestors came here in the first place! That, and they heard there were no cats in America and the streets were paved with cheese.

4. People in other countries are better-looking. This is especially true in the nation of Brazil, where every single person is astonishingly attractive, but is also true in most other places that are not the United States. Why stick around here with all the uggos when you can go back home and marry your hottest cousin?

These are of course just a few reasons to move out of this fetid cesspool of a republic. I didn't even get to the fact that no one is allowed to go to the doctor and also that money is cooler-looking in other countries. On the upside, now maybe there'll be an open spot at Harvard for your dumb, ugly American child. [NYT]

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Image: Dana Rohrabacher's office

The Associated Press finally called the race in California's 48th Congressional District late Saturday for Democratic challenger Harley Rouda, bringing an end to nearly 30 years in Congress for US Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Over the years, Rohrabacher had represented not only his super-conservative Orange County district, but also the Taliban and Russia, and as his district has become more liberal -- or at least less frothingly rightwing John Birch Society-esque -- it was probably only a matter of time until his seat went blue. Rohrabacher's enthusiastic defenses of Donald Trump and of Vladimir Putin only hastened the swing this year. Too bad, so sad!

Let us bid a fond but not drawn out farewell to one of Congress's more spectacular idiots while we hope he's joined by many others, soon.

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HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.

We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)

What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.

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