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Journamalism

Ivanka Trump's Last Bullsh*t Of 2019

It's your Sunday Show Rundown Post-Christmas Special!!

Everybody, it's a Sunday Show Rundown miracle! Welcome to this appearance by unqualified nepotistic senior White House advisor and First Lady Daughter Ivanka Trump. In a pre-taped interview (of course) on CBS's "Face The Nation," host Margaret Brennan sat down to go over three main topics: impeachment, Ivanka Trump's "paid family leave" scam, and her possible return in 2020.

Ivanka was first asked about her father's impeachment and, in typical Trumpian fashion, lied.

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Recipe Hub

Recipe Hub: Wine Cakes Not Wine Caves!

Wine cakes are for the people.

SO! I was going to, in the spirit of the holidays, do a recipe for struffoli or something like that, but then it occurred to me that even I do not like struffoli that much. They're super cute and festive and they look nice on a table, but they're also a lot of work and they get stuck in your teeth.

Instead, since I'm visiting my parents and thus have access to my mom's box of recipe cards, I came up with something doubly festive: my Nana's wine cake! It works because you could make it for the holidays if you wanted to (especially if topped with some festive colored sugar), but also, you know, "wine caves" are a thing this week, so puns. You could eat it in your very own wine cave made of empty Franzia boxes, even.

It's one of the few cakes I actually like, since I'm not a frosting person (judge away!). I don't quite know how to describe it except to say that it's kind of like pound cake but lighter. It does not taste like wine, and I'm pretty sure all the wine burns off in the cooking process so you don't have to worry that it will get your children drunk or anything like that. My Nana made it all the time for me when I was a kid who hated frosting, and I do not recall ever getting drunk off of it.

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Media/Entertainment

The Atlantic Takes Us On A Terrifying Journey Into Tucker Carlson's Brain

That's not racist. THIS is racist!

Yesterday, on God's day or when decent people brunch, The Atlantic published a profile of Fox News host Tucker Carlson. It's called "What Does Tucker Carlson Believe," and it only gets worse from there. The article is so oblivious to Carlson's grossness you'd think his mother wrote it, but instead self-described "teenage Ann Coulter fan girl" Elaina Plott does the dishonors.

Tucker Carlson does not think he is an "especially" good person.

He shouldn't. He's an "especially" bad person. We've yelled at him previously for his homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, and racism. He also once voluntarily wore bow ties. But he thinks it's "elitists" such as former United Nations ambassador Samantha Power who believe "I'm a good person and you're not." This is how the TV dinner heir cons millions of gullible people that he's "one of them." There's no base instinct they posses that he doesn't share. Laughably, Carlson claims that he has empathy but "drooling morons" like Stanford Law professor Pamela Karlan do not. (He really doesn't like women who are smarter than he is, which are most of them.)

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Immigrants

Border Patrol Sending All The Cubans Back To Mexico Even After They Win Asylum

They're not Norwegian dissidents, after all.

Not content with its plan to effectively end asylum for new applicants, the Trump administration has dreamed up some brand new fuckery to hit asylum-seekers with. Immigration attorneys tell Buzzfeed News and the San Diego Union-Tribune the Border Patrol has taken to issuing fake court notices to asylum seekers, as a way of keeping out immigrants who could otherwise legally be allowed into the US. Yes, you read that right. We have to repeat it to believe it ourselves: The Border Patrol is telling migrants they have nonexistent court dates so they won't exercise their rights to legally enter the land of freedom and equal justice under law.

Because without respect for the law, you don't have a country, right? Doesn't mean the law has to respect you.

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Crime

Feds Finally Find Mexican Voter Fraud In California. He Voted For Trump.

He LOVES the Republican Party, and doesn't see what he did wrong.

They finally found a voter frauder! Gustavo Araujo Lerma, 64, was sentenced Tuesday in federal court in Sacramento to three years and nine months in federal prison after being found guilty in August of passport fraud, voting by an alien, and aggravated identity theft. Lerma was almost everything the paranoid rightwing rants about in-person voting fraud and illegal immigration are obsessed with: a Mexican national who bought a US citizen's birth certificate and Social Security card in 1992 and has voted illegally in federal elections ever since then. But only once per election, not changing clothes, putting on glasses, and voting again and again. That guy still has yet to be sighted in the wild. Until then, white nationalists will have to chase church buses around on election day, because elderly black people are probably frauding like crazy.

Oh yes, and he's a very loyal Republican who not only voted for Donald Trump, he also donated to the party and got some nice swag, like

letters of thanks from the president, former Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus and current RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel.

Or their autopens, at least. Stands to reason a fake Trump voter would collect a bunch of fake autographs, no?

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News

Detained Teen Died Of Flu. And Of Border Patrol Not Giving A Sh*t

America: The Great Again Chronicles.

ProPublica has published a horrifying investigative piece on the last day in the life of Carlos Gregorio Hernandez Vasquez, the 16-year-old Guatemalan boy who died in Border Patrol detention May 20. Carlos was the sixth detained child to die in less than a year -- following a decade of no child deaths in immigration detention. And while the other kids at least made it to a hospital before they died, Carlos was the only child to die in a Border Patrol facility. This story includes some gruesome details and may make you want to throw your computer out a window.

And here's a surprise: Video of the cell where Carlos died shows US Customs and Border Protection flat-out lied about important aspects of his death. CBP said in a press release that he was found dead by CPB officers during a routine safety check, about an hour after a prior check confirmed he was just fine.

Not quite.

The cellblock video shows Carlos writhing for at least 25 minutes on the floor and a concrete bench. It shows him staggering to the toilet and collapsing on the floor, where he remained in the same position for the next four and a half hours.

Agents didn't discover the death during a safety check; rather, Carlos's cellmate woke in the morning, found him dead, a pool of blood around his head, and got the attention of guards. CBP logs show an agent "checked" on him three times in the early morning hours, but apparently didn't enter the cell, even though Carlos was seriously ill.

The video shows the only way CBP officials could have missed Carlos' crisis is that they weren't looking. His agony was apparent, even in grainy black and white, making clear the agent charged with monitoring him failed to perform adequate checks, if he even checked at all. The coroner who performed an autopsy on Carlos said she was told the agent occasionally looked into the cell through the window

Carlos's teacher back in Guatemala, Jose Morales Pereira, didn't see the video, but told ProPublica that if someone had a sick animal, they'd at least check on it to make sure it was breathing and not in distress.

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Immigrants

ICE Made Up A Fake University To Trap Foreigns, Betsy DeVos SO JEALOUS

America safe at last from 250 people paying big bucks to overstay their visas.

We sure wouldn't want this story to be lost in the Thanksgiving news crater. Friday, while we were all digesting our cranberry business or sliding off roads after Google Maps lied to us (no injury, minor damage, we have insurance), the Detroit Free Press was bringing America an update on a sleazy sting operation ICE used to arrest some 250 immigrants, mostly students who'd legally entered the US from India and then lost their student visas. (The Washington Post also wrote it up Saturday.)

The scam was simple enough, as WaPo summarizes:

The University of Farmington, a fictitious school that U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement marketed as a hub for STEM students who wanted to enroll and not "interrupt their careers," had a fake name, a fake website and a fake motto on its fake seal. "Scientia et Labor," the seal said, which means "Knowledge and Work."

Also, despite having a fake seal just like Trump University did, you can't blame Trump or even Stephen Miller for this one, since as the Free Press reports, the "University of Farmington" sting got rolling under the Obama administration, in 2015.

But in 2017, with Trump's Deport Everyone agenda in full swing, Homeland Security expanded the operation, with agents from ICE's Homeland Security Investigations division (HSI) setting up a fake office for the university and hiring "recruiters" to help sell the fake school to immigrants trying to stay in the USA. Lawyers for some of the recruiters have argued their clients were victims of entrapment, since they were told the university was perfectly legitimate.

As of Friday, the scheme has resulted in 250 arrests. Out of those, ICE says 80 percent "voluntarily" left the USA; 10 percent have been given final deportation orders, and the rest are contesting their deportation in one forum or another. The eight recruiters all pleaded guilty, too, despite the iffy tactics employed by ICE in the investigation, which included telling the recruiters they'd get tuition credit for recruiting other students.

Again, the government insists this is all excellent law enforcement, since those the scam caught really did have expired visas, and should have known the school was fraudulent since there were no classes, no classrooms, and no real degrees. Therefore, we should overlook some of the scummier parts of the operation, like the real-looking website, the agents posing as administrators and even assuring the "recruiters" it was all legal, or the lengths HSI went to to make it seem like the university might be a real school, or at least a fake school that had really fooled the feds.

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News

Who Shall Build The Wall? Oh, Just Some Fox Dude Who Loves Licking Trump's Butt

Why yes, dude's also involved with the private WALL enthusiasts.

After Donald Trump personally lobbied the Army Corps of Engineers to award WALL contracts to a North Dakota contractor who repeatedly promoted his business on Fox News, the Defense Department announced Monday it had given that company a $400 million contract to build some WALL in an Arizona wildlife refuge. The Washington Post reports the company, North Dakota-based Fisher Sand and Gravel, got a contract to build 31 miles of new WALL in the Cabeza Prieta National Wildlife Refuge in Yuma County, Arizona. And you just know this was a triumph of the free market, where the best jobs get done by the best people!

Or possibly not!

Trump has repeatedly pushed for Fisher to get a wall-building contract, urging officials with the Army Corps of Engineers to pick the firm — only to be told that Fisher's bids did not meet standards. Trump's entreaties on behalf of the company have concerned some officials who are unaccustomed to a president getting personally involved in the intricacies of government contracting.

Trump has been enamored with Tommy Fisher, the company's chief executive, who has made multiple appearances on Fox News to promote his firm and insists that it would do a better job than those the government had already chosen. The company's attorneys did not immediately respond to requests for comment late Monday.

Sometimes the Invisible Hand needs a bit of guidance, is all.

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Immigrants

Man Who Helped Immigrants NOT DIE Not Guilty Of Helping Immigrants NOT DIE

We got us a Nice Time!

Dr. Scott Warren is a humanitarian and Arizona border activist. He was arrested, charged with a felony, and put on trial -- twice -- for being a good person.

His crimes? Literally saving lives. Warren was charged with two felony counts of harboring illegal immigrants for giving food, water, and temporary shelter to two migrants in the Arizona desert.

For saving two lives, Warren faced up to 20 years in prison.

Thankfully, the jurors weren't buying what the Trump prosecutors were selling, and the 12-person jury came back quickly with its verdict of not guilty on all counts.

As Laurie Roberts wrote for the Arizona Republic:

Fortunately, there are some things that endure, even in the Trump era.

Things like faith and hope and the ability to offer a cup of water to a thirsty man.

Warren was charged with a crime for WHAT?!

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lawsplainer

Hey, How's That New Supreme Court Working Out For You?

Hey now hey now don't dream it's over.

On Tuesday, the Supreme Court held oral arguments in a trio of cases about Trump's decision to terminate Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA): Department of Homeland Security (DHS) v. Regents of the University of California, Trump v. NAACP, and McAleenan v. Vidal.

Outside, there were so many pro-DACA demonstrators that police shut down the street in front of the Supreme Court. Inside, the courtroom was packed with Dreamers -- the people who were brought to the US as children, who just about everyone agrees are American and belong here. Just about.

Trump Solicitor General Noel Francisco went up against George W. Bush Solicitor General Theodore Olson and California Solicitor General Michael Mongan as the three argued about whether Trump's decision to terminate DACA was legal.

This case is incredibly important. Roughly 700,000 Dreamers currently have DACA status. DACA allows undocumented people who came to the US as children to live and work here legally, provided they register with the government and meet a number of criteria.

The average DACA recipient came to the US at age three. People who have been working here legally under the program could once again find themselves eligible for deportation.

And right now, Dreamers' chances don't look good.

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White House

Is Stephen Miller A White Nationalist? A Head-Scratcher For The Ages!

(Yes.)

The Southern Poverty Law Center published what it promises will be the first in a multi-part series of articles examining emails Stephen Miller sent to Dead Breitbart's Home For Plausibly Deniable White Supremacy in 2015 and 2016, when Miller was working for then-Sen. Jeff Sessions and later the Trump campaign. In the emails, Miller pitched story ideas about how dangerous immigrants and minorities are and touted articles from white supremacist websites. He also urged the site to write about In the Camp of the Saints, a notoriously racist 1973 novel that's become hugely popular with white nationalists. (Steve Bannon thought it was much better than Cats, and read it again and again!)

Pope Francis made Miller think of that novel, which depicts Europe being literally invaded by hordes of filthy browns (who in one scene rape a white woman to death). While visiting the US in 2015, Francis called on Congress to treat immigrants with decency. So Miller asked his contact at Breitbart, "[Did] you see the Pope saying west must, in effect, get rid of borders. Someone should point out the parallels to Camp of the Saints." Fact check: Pope Francis never called for the elimination of national borders. But Breitbart published a story (archive link, so as not to pollute your computer) on the eerie parallels between Francis's views and the novel. That author, Julia Hahn, is now an aide to Donald Trump.

The emails were given to the SPLC by former Breitbart writer and editor Katie McHugh, who was shitcanned by Dead Breitbart in 2017 after she sent an anti-Muslim tweet that sounded exactly like 97.4 percent of Breitbart comments. The SPLC says McHugh "has since renounced the far right" (more on that in this Buzzfeed piece), and gosh, we sure hope she's managed to sign up for Obamacare, too. It appears McHugh kept receipts from her time at Breitbart, and shared with the SPLC over 900 Miller emails, sent to her and others at the outlet.

So here's the shocking surprise: Stephen Miller writes like a racist dickhead, and a number of issues that animated his emails have translated into Trump administration policy. The vile stuff Miller said in those emails is already being dismissed by those on the Right, because while it's soaked in white nationalist themes, he never actually uses the n-word, and also he can't be a white nationalist because he's Jewish, didn't you know that? So let's take a look at all the article's evidence showing Stephen Miller can't be a white nationalist, shall we?

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Immigrants

Donald Trump Libelslandering The DACA Kids, So That's A Surprise

You know who's really a 'hardened criminal'? Half his administration!

With the Trump administration's attempt to shut down the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA) program being argued before the Supreme Court today, the Great Man took the opportunity to tweet about it. Remember how he used to say his "heart just breaks" for the plight of folks who were brought to the US as little kids and through no fault of their own don't have legal status because of their illegally border-crossing parents (who are of course scum)? He even briefly said this about DACA kids, shortly after he decided to end DACA and then found out that wasn't popular.

Trump's opinion of those fine young men and women is as variable as anything else rattling around in his head, so of course this morning he decided the best strategy would be to simply lie through his teeth about DACA recipients:

You know how it is: Sure, they may be cute and innocent-looking when they're young, but whatever country in Mexico they're from Donald Trump knows they're murderers and rapists, they sell drugs, and some, he supposes, are good people, although that last bit is open to revision for the 2020 campaign.

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foreign policy

Drunk At Bar Says US Oughta Invade Mexico Is What We Oughta ... Wait No It Is US Senator Tom Cotton

Hugs not drugs.

A horrible massacre took place in northern Mexico Monday. A drug cartel (probably, but it's not clear which one) murdered three women and six children who belonged to a fundamentalist Mormon-offshoot community in Mexico; the youngest was a 10-month-old baby. The victims, who had dual US-Mexican citizenship, were traveling in a caravan of three cars when they were ambushed by criminal gangs. It's not yet clear, but there's speculation the killings were the result of mistaken identity, just innocent people caught up in a gang war. In any case, the killers kept shooting, then burned the vehicles. Over 200 bullet casings were found on the ground. Seven children who survived the attack were flown across the border to a hospital in Douglas, Arizona.

As with any terrible situation, Donald Trump showed up on Twitter Tuesday morning to make things worse. The solution, he suggested, was to go Full Duterte:

Trump likes to pretend he doesn't like war, but as long as someone else is doing the killing, he sure loves the idea of wiping some people off the face of the earth, and assumes only bad guys would get killed, because he's a fucking idiot who thinks most problems can be solved by killing the right people. After all, if the cartels have no respect for innocent lives, why should we?

War! What is it good for? Guaranteed turnout for a rally, tell you what.

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Immigrants

Ken Cuccinelli Promises Never To Deport Sick Kids To Their Deaths, Unless He Wants To

How reassuring.

Ken Cuccinelli, Donald Trump's (acting) director of US Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), said in a congressional hearing Wednesday that he was the person responsible for the unannounced decision in August to send letters to hundreds of critically ill immigrants -- many of them children -- telling them and their families they had 33 days to leave the country or face deportation. At the hearing, held by a subcommittee of House Oversight, Cooch was exactly the same charmer as all those years ago when, as attorney general of Virginia, he wanted to ban buttsex and make all abortion sluts get cozy with a vaginal ultrasound wand, for Jesus.

The hearing was a follow-up to that September fiasco where representatives from USCIS and Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) refused to answer any questions about the policy, who had ordered it, or why anyone thought it was a great idea to tell critically ill immigrant kids to leave the USA and please die somewhere else. There was an ongoing lawsuit, you see, so the lower-level dudes couldn't say much of anything. But yesterday, the actual agency heads were there, because Oversight chair Elijah Cummings's last official act on Earth was to send subpoenas to Cuccinelli and to (acting) ICE director Matthew Albence so they'd show up and be accountable.

Didn't mean they had to like being there, though, so both of them started with ritual respects to Cummings, then got on to the business of being as dickish as they could.

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Legal

Judge Really Sorry He Can't Make Trump Not Be A Dick To US-Liberians, But That Is 'Law'

A lawsplainer.

Liberians have had protected immigration status in the United States for decades. In 2019, Trump announced that he would be terminating this protected status, leaving the thousands of Liberians already in the country suddenly undocumented.

Nonprofit organizations African Communities Together and UndocuBlack Network, along with several Liberian nationals who currently have protected immigration status, sued, represented by the Lawyers Committee for Civil Rights.

Yesterday, a federal judge in Massachusetts dismissed the lawsuit, saying the court has no authority to order the president to extend protected status to Liberian immigrants -- even if Trump's decision was based on unconstitutional racial bias.

So that's just great.

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Crime

Meme-Famous Anti-Immigrant Lady Arrested For Stealing An Elderly Person's Hotel Points

Jennifer Harrison was famously laughed at by 'Green Shirt Guy'

Back in August, Jennifer Harrison of Arizona became part of a viral sensation after her anti-immigration rant at a local town hall caused a mustachioed man in a green shirt to burst into a fit of laughter. Said rant, which was not entirely intelligible, was accessorized with a large sign reading "RESPECT OUR LAWS OR BE DEPORTED!"

Please to recall:

Green shirt guy youtu.be

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