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Immortal Journalist-Mummy Will Be On Television Forever

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The terrified humans who operate CNN live in constant fear of the preserved Pharaonic husk of Larry King, who has been lobbing lunatic softball questions at the powerful and the famous since time immemorial; in fact, radio was first invented specifically so the people who lived beyond the range of his voice could hear him speak, as the legends about him had spread throughout the world. Unable to confront him directly for fear that his army of trained serpents would attack them, these CNN minions instead spread rumors in the media that King would be replaced by some fatuous limey TV host. BIG MISTAKE, FELLAS!


So the rumor yesterday was that Larry King was going to be killed with a ritual obsidian dagger and buried with all his wives and producers in his vast pyramid, which has been under construction in the Nevada desert since 1965. Once this solemn ceremony was completed, he would be replaced by one of the judges of America's Got Talent, because there is literally nothing Larry King does that couldn't be done just as well by someone whose main qualifications consist of humorously assessing people who can spin plates and fart the national anthem.

But! Larry, who somehow learned English, heard about these rumors, and now everyone is backtracking, saying they're just trying to replace Campbell Brown, please Larry, don't hurt us, if you weigh our hearts please find them worthy for entry into the Afterlife! The enraged King may in fact be returning the New York, his original capital and home to his totemic power, although this probably will depend on whether he expels his 71st wife from his palace compound.

Most experts believe that Larry King will continue to gibber madness to anyone who will listen, long after the human race has died out, when there is nothing left of the Earth but a burnt-out cinder, waiting to be vaporized by the expanding sun. [Telegraph/LAT/DNA India/The Hollywood Gossip]

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