Trump

If You Won’t Say ‘Chinese Virus,’ You’re Just Not Serious About Stopping This Pandemic!

Could Trump deliver war and pestilence all in the same year?

When the economy's in the toilet during an election year, voters usually pick a Democrat to clean up the mess and deliver some sweet, sweet socialist-adjacent domestic policy. That happened in 1992 and 2008. Donald Trump had hoped enough money would rain from the sky to make voters forget he was impeached for extorting a foreign country to smear Joe Biden, his now certain Democratic opponent. Yes, that does seem like a billion years ago, but the only reason it's no longer at the top of our minds is because Trump's incompetence unleashed a plague on all our houses.

Republicans probably realize they're going to have their asses handed to them unless they can pull a 2004 and make Trump a “wartime president." (No really, he called himself that yesterday.) You can't replace a president when we're at war -- even if he tanks the stock market whenever he speaks publicly. It's important to Trump's re-election that voters believe the reason they're all broke and under house arrest has absolutely nothing to do with how he bungled the response to coronavirus. No, fault lies with the Chinese, who deliberately infected us and took away baseball. In the real world, China is as much a victim of the coronavirus as the American people, but Trump -- who's never liked the Chinese -- believes they're a good scapegoat for his obvious failings. He calls the coronavirus “the Chinese virus," and he doesn't think the Chinese mind at all!! (He's wrong.) This is like the “freedom fries" debacle, but with an extra heaping of racism added to the xenophobia.

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Impeachment

Appeals Court Says Congress Exists, Can See Whatever Mueller Grand Jury Sh*t It Wants

Still impeaching the motherfucker forever!

Know how we are impeaching Donald Trump forever a whole bunch of times, even though we already did it once? Well!

A three-judge panel on the DC Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that the House of Representatives absolutely is entitled to see the redacted Rule 6(e) grand jury information in Bill Barr's heavily redacted Mueller Report. They ruled this way even though Trump has already been impeached (once), noting that the House Judiciary Committee in its impeachment report specifically said that despite the adoption of two Ukraine-related articles of impeachment, its impeachment investigation continues.

You'll remember just last week a judge popped Attorney General Bill Barr right on his roly-poly fanny, for being such a liar about what was in the Mueller Report. We only note that to make clear that this is a different case about a different thing. That's a FOIA case. This is the House's case, again, for the grand jury information in the Mueller Report. District Court Judge Beryl Howell ruled for the House several months back.

Among the questions the House seeks to answer: Did Trump lie to Mueller in his written answers, particularly about whether he had foreknowledge of the Russian WikiLeaks releases from Roger Stone? Yes, or OMG yes?

Now you might be curious to know who these three appeals court judges are — are they NOBUMMER JUDGES, which, in Trump's America, are obviously illegal? No, actually! One of the panel, Judith Rogers, who wrote the ruling, is a total lib Clinton appointee. However, the guy who concurred with her, Thomas Griffith, is a conservative appointed by Gee Dubya Bush.

The dissenting judge was problematic weirdass idiot Trump appointee Neomi Rao. This appointment is Rao's first time at judging, but she has written several articles defending "dwarf-tossing," so hashtag BEST PEOPLE! Rao has really been working hard to protect Donald Trump and keep him firmly esconced above the law, particularly regarding his financials. In short, she's pretty great. (Elections have consequences, especially on the question of "Who gets to be judge?" VOTE BLUE NO MATTER WHO, ASSHOLES.)

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2020 Congressional Elections

Donald Trump Endorses Jeff Sessions For Loser Of Alabama Senate Primary Runoff

Somewhere, Coretta Scott King is pointing and laughing.

The moment Jeff Sessions shamelessly debased himself to avoid finally came. Tuesday, Donald Trump officially endorsed Tommy Tuberville in the runoff election on March 31. Tuberville has greatly impressed Trump with his bold platform of not being Jeff Sessions.

Trump reminded voters that Tuberville was once a "terrific" head football coach at Auburn University, and although this makes Tuberville more qualified for political office than Trump himself, that's a very low bar. Every line of Trump's endorsement is a not-so-subtle dig at Sessions: Tuberville is "a REAL LEADER who will never let MAGA/KAG, or our Country down," unlike Sessions who betrayed Trump when he remained loyal to his oath of office.

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Trump

President Petty McNoPants Bails On Pelosi's St. Patrick's Day Lunch

This is a gift to everyone else in attendance.

It should surprise no one that Donald Trump is skipping the annual St. Patrick's Day lunch Thursday and blaming his arch-nemesis, Nancy Pelosi. Trump is petty and lacking in the simplest grace. He can't even put aside his differences with Pelosi long enough to enjoy some corned beef and cabbage. The speaker of the House traditionally hosts the lunch at the Capitol. The taoiseach (a fancy word for prime minister) of Ireland even shows up. It's a big party, but Trump wants no part of it because Pelosi is dead to him.

White House spokesman Judd Deere released the following statement, roughly translated into English from pidgin Drama Queen.

"Since the Speaker has chosen to tear this Nation apart with her actions and her rhetoric, the President will not participate in moments where she so often chooses to drive discord and disunity, and will instead celebrate the rich history and strong ties between the United States and Ireland at the White House on March 12. The relationship between our two countries has never been stronger, and the President looks forward to welcoming the Prime Minister of Ireland for the annual Shamrock Bowl presentation."

Leo Varadkar is prime minister of Ireland. It's a given he'll have more fun with Pelosi than Trump. She was delightful at last year's luncheon, while our illegitimate president was clearly miserable. He refused to laugh at Pelosi's jokes, which meant he just sat there like Grumpy Cat while everyone else laughed because Pelosi is awesome. Trump wasn't the life of that party, so it's not like anyone's enjoyment will suffer from his absence. Most likely the opposite will occur. Trump will have to sit at home knowing that Pelosi is killing.

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