Shocking New Poll Reveals Fox News Viewers Are Brainwashed Imbeciles

Poll also has compelling data on wetness of water.

State media has its privileges. No one knows that better than Donald Trump, whose presidency thrives thanks to Fox News. The network's viewers are partisan house plants fed a steady diet of right-wing fertilizer. No matter how much treason Trump commits, the Fox News audience remains loyal to him.

The Washington Post cited a study today from the Public Religion Research Institute. It revealed that 55 percent of Republicans whose "news" source is Fox are completely ride or die for Trump. Nothing he can do would cost them their approval. This is a sharp contrast to the 29 percent of non-Fox-viewing Republicans who are willing to hold Trump's hand and drive off the cliff together.

This proves conclusively that every Democratic candidate who attended a Fox town hall was wasting their time. They were better off wagging their tails and begging for Scooby Snacks from the "moderates" who watch "Morning Joe."

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PSA For Lindsey Graham: Here Are Trump's Ukraine Crimes, Since You Are Dumbass

Wonkette just tryin' to help.

Lindsey Graham is confused. He doesn't think that presidents should be able to commit crimes, and as the chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, he takes very seriously his role in the trial portion of an impeachment, and he would even vote to remove the president IF he could see evidence that the president committed high crimes and misdemeanors.

But alas, Lindsey Graham just can't see any of that evidence, we guess because his face, which is permanently kissing Donald Trump's ass, is smooshed into the president's ass cheeks, rendering him permanently blinded by Trump's ass fat. And maybe his ears are smooshed into the president's ass cheeks as well, because he apparently is unable to hear ALL THE CONFESSIONS.

Graham explained this in an interview for Axios's hot HBO show "Axios After Dark: HARDER, WETTER, STILL SUCKS" (may not be what show is called) on Sunday night.

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Rudy Giuliani Says He Never Met Ukrainian Oligarch Dmitry Firtash, And You Can Take That To The Bank!

And Bill Barr saw NOTHING! You bet!

When Mama Nancy says "all roads lead to Putin," she ain't kidding. She might have added, "and they all run straight through Ukraine on their way to Russia." Turns out Trump's big plan to take out Joe Biden was cooked up by a Ukrainian oligarch as a gift to the Trump administration, which he hoped would suddenly decide not to extradite him to face bribery charges in the US. Because the best way to beat a bribery charge is ... with another bribe which is also an illegal campaign finance contribution laundered through the Justice Department. Watergate Schmatergate!

Our story begins this summer when Dmitry Firtash, described by the Justice Department as an "upper-echelon [associate] of Russian organized crime," decided to fire Lanny Davis and replace him with disheveled Fox shills Victoria Toensing and Joe diGenova. Lanny Davis, a one-time lawyer for the Clintons, was a useful conduit to Trumpland when he represented Michael Cohen. But with Cohen flipping on Trump and taking that sabbatical in Otisville, Firtash went looking for someone who could bypass all those annoying Justice Department lawyers to get his case in front of the Big Orange Cheese himself.

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Mike Pompeo Did Not Come On This Question Show To Answer Questions!

SOMEBODY'S heat-seeking missile is on the fritz, cannot find Trump's ass very good right now.

Mike Pompeo is sad and angry and frustrated and feeling poorly and looking stupid and making dumb lie faces, and it is all your fault. His heat-seeking missile still exists only to find Donald Trump's ass, but it seems to have lost its spirit. That's the thrust of a piece in CNN, and an interview Pompeo did with George Stephanopoulos on Sunday.

Oh yeah, and he's not answering your "hypotheticals" about things (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney admitted to, about the literal actual crimes Trump committed with Ukraine, for which he is now being impeached.

Stephanopoulos started this line of questioning by quoting GOP Senator Lisa Murkowski, who seems kinda sorta appalled by the news that's coming out, and who said last week, "You don't hold up foreign aid that we had previously appropriated for a political initiative. Period."

Thoughts, Mike Pompeo?

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Donald Trump Lies He Was Gonna Host G-7 At Miami Trash Palace For FREEEEEE


Donald Trump's brilliant plan to hold the 2020 Group of 7 summit at his Miami trash palace survived just a bit over 48 hours before he took to Twitter Saturday night and said he was dropping it -- not because there's anything wrong with a "president" steering hundreds of millions of dollars of business to his own resort, but because his enemies are irrational monsters who don't appreciate what a great deal he was offering America. Oh, yeah, and because even Donald Trump was able to dimly understand Republicans weren't willing to defend him on this one. (Acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney hadn't made matters any better by pairing the announcement of Doral as the venue with an admission of criming in Ukraine, either.

Here's the tweet; we like how even as he announces the G-7 will be held elsewhere, President StableGenius tries to promote his resort, because it's perfect, perfect you fools!


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Mulvaney, Lying In Bed Made Of Sh*t, Demands To Know Who Said He Said He Sleeps In A Sh*tbed

The Sunday Show Rundown!

It's been another tough week for the Trump administration, but nobody's having a worse week than Mick Mulvaney.

The (acting) chief of staff decided on Thursday to just outright admit to quid pro quoing the living shit out of Ukraine! After confidently announcing a new emolument charge (G7 in Trump Doral!) and telling everyone to "get over it" about abusing the power of the presidency, Mulvaney enjoyed 1.5 seconds after the press briefing before Trump surely yelled at him worse than when he coughs in his presence. Ever since then, Mulvaney has been trying to shove the impeachment genie back in the bottle with varying degrees of failure.

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Torture Cheerleader John Yoo Is Back To Lie About The Constitution

He's claiming the Founders did not believe in impeachment, which they did.

Oh goodie. The torture guy has more wisdom to share with us.

War criminal John Yoo, George W. Bush's favorite waterboarding lawyer, is back to lecture us on the Constitution. Because irony, like God, is dead.

Yoo, who once argued that the president could massacre entire villages and crush children's testicles if he wanted to, is back on the scene. But instead of torturing Muslims, this time he's here to torture American history.

So that's on-brand.

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SEAL Commander Who Killed Bin Laden Just Saying The Republic Is Under Attack, From Donald Trump


Admiral William McRaven, who commanded the SEAL team that killed Osama bin Laden, has not been shy about criticizing Donald Trump when he sees fit. This sets him apart from, say, former Defense secretary Jim Mattis, who did the Al Smith dinner last night and LARFED LIKE A CLOWN at Trump calling him overrated, saying he guesses he is the "Meryl Streep of generals," hahahahahaha funny joke, Jim Mattis, MAYBE YOU SHOULD FUCKING SPEAK OUT RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

Last time we visited Bill McRaven, he was all up in the newspaper when Trump was threatening to take security clearances from former CIA director John Brennan and others, saying if you're going to rip the security clearance from those patriots, please take his too, sir, as it would be a motherfucking honor coming from a shithole president such as Trump. (Not his exact words.)

Unsurprisingly, McRaven is back this week with a blistering op-ed (yes, it's blistering!) in the New York Times, which explicitly says America is under attack from within, by our criminal president Donald Trump. He's just saying. The decorated admiral who led the SEAL team that killed Bin Laden. Says America is under attack. And that the invading power is Donald Trump.

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Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas


Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

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Laura Ingraham: If Mick Mulvaney Were A Lawyer, Which He Is, He Could Avoid Confessing To All The Crimes

You gotta give the press the old razzle dazzle!

White House (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney's press briefing Thursday lacked the confident professionalism of a dumpster fire. It was like the "West Wing" episode when Josh filled in for CJ. But Josh just admitted that the president had a secret plan to fight inflation (he didn't). Mulvaney admitted that the president held up funding to the Ukraine until he got dirt on his political enemies (he did).

Donald Trump reportedly "wasn't happy" that Mulvaney implicated him in multiple crimes. This is why the chief of staff is still temp to perm. Conservative media did their best to help Mulvaney out of the hole he'd dug and dumped bodies into on live TV. Wall Street Journal columnist Kim Strassel accused the press and Democrats of "moving the goal post" and claimed the Ukraine scandal is no different from the "Russia collusion fake story."

STRASSEL: Now, apparently, there is something inappropriate - or it is a quid pro quo for the president to say, we're not going to give you money until you tell us whether or not you meddled in our 2016 election. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but we just asked Bob Mueller to do the exact same thing for several years with regards to Russia. I mean, that's not a quid pro quo, that's a legitimate ask.

These fever dreams about Robert Mueller are a popular diversionary tactic from conservatives now. Trump is the true hero here. Mueller dithered around like a common Hamlet, but Trump isn't wasting time. He'll do whatever it takes to defend America from enemies foreign and domestic, who happen to have the names Clinton and Biden. Go figure. Strassel just released a new book, Resistance (At All Costs), about how "Trump Haters Are Breaking America" (that's the rest of the title). Trump tweeted a glowing review and expressed his appreciation for Strassel early this week. That's probably not quid pro quo either. She's just a hack who shamelessly defends Trump no matter how obviously criminally he behaves.

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Who You Gonna Believe? Mick Mulvaney Or That Dumb Liar Mick Mulvaney?

Call us crazy, but we believe Mick Mulvaney.

Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.

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Mick Mulvaney: Trump Committed Ukraine Crimes, It Was Awesome, GET OVER IT!

Did Mick Mulvaney think he was talking to his priest just now?

Hooray, we've reached the stage of Donald Trump's impeachment where they just go on TV and say, "Yeah, Trump did the crimes! Crimes are THE BEST! We're taking a blubbering shit on the Constitution and selling America's national security out to our enemies in order to satisfy the whims of the world's stupidest authoritarian leader, and that is a thing we are PROUD OF!"

The messenger today was White House (acting) Chief of Staff/fluffer Mick Mulvaney, and his message was FUCK YEAH BUDDY! CRIME IS COOL! GET OVER IT.

Specifically he admitted that part of why they were extorting Ukraine and withholding aid is because they wanted Ukraine to investigate the syphilis hallucinations Trump and Rudy Giuliani are experiencing about what really happened in 2016, including Trump's bizarre belief that the Russians didn't hack the DNC, Seth Rich stole those emails and framed the Russians for the hacking, and that after a series of exciting and batshit twists and turns, that server was smuggled away from the FBI and is now buried in a rich guy's backyard in Ukraine.

Or whatever the fuck it is.

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Can You Read Gordon Sondland's Ukraine Testimony Without Punching A Baby? A Wonkette Self-Control Test!

So inconvenient when your confederates go on television confess to all the crimes you're in the process of denying under oath.

Lord grant us the confidence of a rich, white Boomer businessman who knows jack shit about foreign policy but has a cool million to buy an ambassador gig and thinks he's God's gift to international relations. Gordon Sondland's opening statement to his House testimony today is out and ... THIS FUCKIN' GUY. He literally touts his qualifications to represent America's interests to the European Union by bragging that, "My successful business background and results-oriented focus made me, in my view, well-suited to bring the fresh perspective to US foreign policy that President Trump had sought." Thank you for your unbiassss view of you, your excellency!

In fact, Sondland's perspective was so "fresh" that The New York Times reports he told random people they could drop by any time at the White House, resulting in a group of Romanian officials showing up uninvited, and Fiona Hill testified that he jeopardized national security by using his personal cellphone for government business and handing out cell phone numbers of government employees. But it's not like he had an unlicensed server in the basement of the official residence he's in the process of renovating with a million taxpayer dollars, so ... it's all good.

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Welcome, G-7 Leaders, To Trump Miami Trash Palace, Ass-Grabs And Bedbugs For Free!

It puts the emoluments on its skin and rolls around in them.

The White House announced today that the Trump administration has decided, after extensive analysis of all the available data, to hold the next Group of Seven summit at Donald Trump's Trump National Doral golf resort in Miami, because that's obviously the best place for it that will result in a big payday for the "president" of the United States.

The decision was announced by (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, who apparently won a competition for who could say with the straightest face there was no conflict of interest. Why Doral? Well obviously it's simply the best choice, for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with Donald Trump owning the place. No, you see, the team used the same criteria for selecting a site that other administrations have, and by complete coincidence, chose Trump's Bedbug Palace.

Sort of makes you wonder, if the criteria were the same, why no previous administration had chanced on Trump Doral. They probably all realized it was perfect, but then went elsewhere because they were JEALOUS of what a great location it is. Fox News should probably demand an investigation into why Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton all discriminated against the Trump Organization like that. Even though Trump has only owned it since 2012.

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Adam Schiff To Whiny Republicans: CALM YOUR F*CKING BALLS

Schiff would like explain a few things about the impeachment process Republicans won't stop bitching and moaning about.

Have you read Five Dollar Feminist's report today on how the GOP is just so mad and angry and blowing a fuse about Adam Schiff's closed door impeachment hearings? Lordy Jesus, those wingnut congressmen tried to storm congressional hearings they weren't invited to yesterday like they had just landed at Normandy and, seeing that the Kurds hadn't shown up to help, realized they'd have to do all the storming on their own.

Anyway, if you haven't, you need to read that one, because this post is about House Intelligence Committee Chair/impeachment czar Adam Schiff's Wednesday letter to all his House colleagues, which says CALM YOUR FUCKING DUMB OLD BALLS AND SHUT YOUR SHITMOUTHS, I AM THE BOSS OF YOU AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!

OK, maybe it doesn't exactly say that. (Hey Schiff, how does it feel to have somebody do Treason Paraphrases to YOUR words? Oh, it feels OK and it's pretty funny and you love Wonkette so much? We'll carry on then.)

Schiff, pretending his GOP colleagues have true and legitimate objections to how Democrats are conducting the impeachment inquiry, sent the letter to clarify a few things, and he makes a couple of interesting arguments. We already knew that part of the reason things are behind closed doors for now is because they don't want witnesses comparing notes on what they're going to tell Congress, in order to keep their stories straight.

But Schiff makes a point we hadn't thought of before, about past impeachments, which is pertinent because of how Republicans won't stop bellyaching about PRECEDENT! and PROCESS! and RIGGED! Namely, he notes that in past impeachments, the House hasn't had to do the full damn investigation by itself, but rather has been handed impeachment road maps and special counsel reports. In this case, Trump's low-rent Roy Cohn at Justice, Bill Barr, specifically declined to investigate the criminal referrals it received on Trump's crimes with Ukraine, which means the House has to do everything itself. Therefore closed door interviews are the order of the day. For now.


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Closed Door Hearings BAD NOW, Declares Party Of Benghazi/Travelgate/Fast & Furious

Nobody light a match!

Banking on the public's collective amnesia about every single thing that happened in the past twenty years, the GOP is now screaming bloody murder about the closed door impeachment hearings being held in the House. Yesterday a group of Tea Party loons attempted to storm the hearing room during witness testimony like they were liberating the Bastille. And House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is moving to censure Adam Schiff for treasonous paraphrasing and running a "Soviet-style" investigation which will execute poor, innocent Donald Trump without due process or the right to confront his accuser.

Truly, if it wasn't for bad faith, Republicans would have no faith at all.

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