Donald Trump Endorses Jeff Sessions For Loser Of Alabama Senate Primary Runoff
Somewhere, Coretta Scott King is pointing and laughing.
The moment Jeff Sessions shamelessly debased himself to avoid finally came. Tuesday, Donald Trump officially endorsed Tommy Tuberville in the runoff election on March 31. Tuberville has greatly impressed Trump with his bold platform of not being Jeff Sessions.
Trump reminded voters that Tuberville was once a "terrific" head football coach at Auburn University, and although this makes Tuberville more qualified for political office than Trump himself, that's a very low bar. Every line of Trump's endorsement is a not-so-subtle dig at Sessions: Tuberville is "a REAL LEADER who will never let MAGA/KAG, or our Country down," unlike Sessions who betrayed Trump when he remained loyal to his oath of office.
President Petty McNoPants Bails On Pelosi's St. Patrick's Day Lunch
This is a gift to everyone else in attendance.
It should surprise no one that Donald Trump is skipping the annual St. Patrick's Day lunch Thursday and blaming his arch-nemesis, Nancy Pelosi. Trump is petty and lacking in the simplest grace. He can't even put aside his differences with Pelosi long enough to enjoy some corned beef and cabbage. The speaker of the House traditionally hosts the lunch at the Capitol. The taoiseach (a fancy word for prime minister) of Ireland even shows up. It's a big party, but Trump wants no part of it because Pelosi is dead to him.
White House spokesman Judd Deere released the following statement, roughly translated into English from pidgin Drama Queen.
"Since the Speaker has chosen to tear this Nation apart with her actions and her rhetoric, the President will not participate in moments where she so often chooses to drive discord and disunity, and will instead celebrate the rich history and strong ties between the United States and Ireland at the White House on March 12. The relationship between our two countries has never been stronger, and the President looks forward to welcoming the Prime Minister of Ireland for the annual Shamrock Bowl presentation."
Leo Varadkar is prime minister of Ireland. It's a given he'll have more fun with Pelosi than Trump. She was delightful at last year's luncheon, while our illegitimate president was clearly miserable. He refused to laugh at Pelosi's jokes, which meant he just sat there like Grumpy Cat while everyone else laughed because Pelosi is awesome. Trump wasn't the life of that party, so it's not like anyone's enjoyment will suffer from his absence. Most likely the opposite will occur. Trump will have to sit at home knowing that Pelosi is killing.
Mitt Romney Coward Again
Maybe we should investigate the Bidens in Ukraine after all, says Romney!
Oh, we were so nice to Mitt Romney for a minute there, when he decided to be the only Senate Republican with half a brain and a quarter of a conscience, and voted to convict Donald Trump on the abuse of power article of impeachment. Romney recognized that the House managers had proven their case up one side and down the other, that Trump had extorted a foreign country to announce fake investigations into the Bidens in order to help him steal the 2020 election, and that Trump had gone so far as to withhold aid from that country until he got that announcement.
He appeared to understand that all the shit about "Biden" and "Burisma" coming out of corrupt motherfuckers in Ukraine was false, and also Russian propaganda. Good job, Mittens! Strap the dog to the roof and take a road trip, YOU'VE EARNED IT!
This week, Mittens reacted to World's Stupidest Senate Republican Ron Johnson wanting to send stupid Russian propaganda-infused subpoenas in his Homeland Security Committee investigation into fake Biden Ukraine scandals, by saying that yes, it does seem that something like that might be viewed as li'l bit nakedly political and problematic, considering what Trump just did. He even said, "There's no question that the appearance of looking into Burisima and Hunter Biden appears political. I think people are tired of these kind of political investigations."
Correct as usual sometimes, Mitt Romney!
Anyway he's going to vote in favor of the subpoenas Ron Johnson wants, because coward.
Will Hurd Wants To Diversify GOP, With More Trump-Enabling Reps Like Himself!
Don't we have enough of those guys already?
Will Hurd of Texas, the GOP's lone black Republican congressman, announced in August of last year that he wasn't running for re-election. Some of us were naive enough to believe Hurd might feel free to recognize his constitutional duties and vote to impeach Donald Trump for all those crimes he committed in plain sight. Instead, Hurd readied himself for his Fox News closeup. He claimed that "weaponizing impeachment" would set a dangerous precedent where presidents, regardless of political party, might have to obey the law.
HURD: We have 435 folks in the House, 100 senators. That means there's 535 definitions for impeachment. I've sat through the hundreds of hours of depositions and hearings and didn't see any evidence presented of bribery or extortion.
Republicans are bummed that they're going to lose such a colossal moral failure in a bland, unassuming package. Hurd's district, which is majority Hispanic, is competitive. But potentially losing one swing seat is a small price to pay so Hurd can work on losing many other seats across the country. Hurd's already filmed a video for the Future Leaders Fund, a super PAC his former campaign manager, Justin Hollis, leads. The Future Leaders Fund is "determined to create a diverse crop of future elected officials to be ambassadors to our party."
Trump Officials Say They Have 'No Intelligence' ... Stop Laughing, They Are Serious!
It's the Sunday Shows Rundown!
A few days ago, it was reported that it seems the Russians are meddling in the 2020 elections, like they did in 2016, favoring Donald Trump. This (of course) pissed off our Authoritarian-In-Chief and he fired acting (aren't they all) Director of National Intelligence Joseph Maguire and replaced him with an idiot loyalist, Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell. Trump also did one of his White House lawn presser shout interviews denying the intelligence while blaming Democrats like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff, who rightfully criticized him. So this week on the Sunday shows, we got multiple appearances from Trump officials Robert O'Brien and Marc Short, telling America what they really want us to hear about that so-called intelligence.
Crawling Smear Of Paul Ryan Paul Ryans All Over Us Again
Ryan turns on old buddy Mitt Romney because of course he would.
Thursday, someone on the Fox News mothership dared suggest that Donald Trump was anything less than magnificent. During an appearance on "Your World with Neil Cavuto," A.B. Stoddard of RealClearPolitics compared Trump's 2016 debate performances to Mike Bloomberg's Elizabeth-Warren-assisted autopsy Wednesday night.
STODDARD: I think that Donald Trump had disastrous debate performances. Many answers were so cringeworthy. You just couldn't even believe that he was standing on the stage. And he's president.
The mad king was unpleased.
Narrator: Donald Trump did not win any of the presidential debates. He embarrassed himself and his loved ones, if he has any. Trump blamed this glitch in the Fox News Matrix on Paul Ryan. The former House speaker is on the board of Wolfram & Hart whatever evil global entity currently owns Fox News. There were articles about how the former Republican House speaker was going to influence the network from the inside to take down Trump. That was obviously all bullshit. He's now more of a Trump stooge than ever.
DNI Trump Fired Over Russia Briefing ALSO Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, How Coincidence!
Who could have seen this coming!
Congratulations, Joe Maguire, you just played yourself!
The story about Trump flipping out and firing his acting director of national intelligence, Joseph Maguire, because the intelligence community reached the blindingly obvious conclusion that Russia is trying to get him elected AGAIN, is fucked up six ways from Sunday. But let's not lose sight of the fact that just five months ago Maguire threw his body on the whistleblower hand grenade in a desperate effort to save the president from himself. And yesterday, for his troubles, he got tossed out like garbage.
THAT TRAIN IS NEVER LATE. And also, AS YE SOW, SO SHALL YE REAP. Plus a whole bunch of other aphorisms, probably.
Let's rewind the tape, shall we?
Trump Just Fired Another Ukraine Crime Spree Witness, No Big
Nothing to see here, just Trump out for more revenge.
Oh look, Trump's revenge rampage continues, after the Senate "acquitted" him of the Ukraine crimes we know with 100 percent certainty that he committed:
The Pentagon's top policy official John Rood resigned on Wednesday at the request of President Donald Trump, according to a copy of his resignation letter obtained by CNN.
And why? Because the administration had "lost confidence" in him, uh huh, you bet, sure.
Or maybe it was because Rood was one of the officials who raised alarms about Donald Trump's very illegal and very uncool hold on Ukraine's congressionally appropriated aid.
Susan Collins 'Very Disappointed' In Poll Showing She's A Big Loser
You hate to see it.
When last we left Susan Collins, the world's most useless "moderate," the Maine senator had helped free Donald Trump to crime some more. This wasn't the best choice for democracy or Collins's re-election hopes. A Colby College poll shows her effectively tied with likely Democratic challenger Sara Gideon. Collins won her last Senate race with 68 percent of the vote. She's now reduced to 42 percent to Gideon's 43. Fourteen percent of voters are undecided, and Collins can only hope they're like her — soberly weighing all options before choosing at the last minute to do whatever Mitch McConnell wants.
These are appalling numbers for an incumbent whose Senate career is old enough to vote against her. Maine is a small state. The people all know her and how much she sucks. Gideon has a better shot at winning over undecideds, especially women. Women just aren't feeling Suzy Creamcheese.
From the Portland Press Herald:
"One of the most surprising findings is how poorly Senator Collins is doing with women," said Dan Shea, Colby College professor of government and the lead researcher on the poll. "She had a 42-percent approval rating overall but that drops to 36 percent for women. Further yet, it drops to 25 percent for women under 50.
Yikes! It turns out there's a political price to pay when you help confirm a credibly accused attempted rapist to the Supreme Court or actively enable the criminal hijinks of the misogynist in chief.
John Bolton Invited To Kick Self In Dick At Earliest Convenience
What, are you not enjoying John Bolton's striptease? And don't you feel SORRY for him?
Stop the presses, everyone, John Bolton is finally talking. Or shall we say, he is teasing. He's styled his mustache with some Bed Head hair gel he found at the Walgreens, he's wearing a sexxxy naughty cat costume he found at the Party City, and he's showing just the tiniest bit of nip. Now you see it, now you don't!
Bolton, who didn't see it as his constitutional duty to testify before the House or the Senate in the impeachment inquiry or trial, and whose book is now being held up — obviously improperly! — by the White House acting on allegations that Bolton is too much of an idiot to write a book without including a bunch of classified intel, is nonetheless talking.
And he wants to tell you what he knows, it's just ... can you keep a secret??? No, John Bolton couldn't possibly. John Bolton must now slip his nips back inside his sexxxy naughty cat costume, because our relationship just isn't ready for it.
In an event at Duke on Monday night, Bolton said Trump is full of shit on Ukraine, but "I can't talk about it." He said all the stuff that factored into Donald Trump's impeachment were just "sprinkles on the ice cream sundae" compared to all the bad shit he wrote about ... but he can't talk about it.
Asked whether he agreed with the president's assessment that Trump's July call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was "perfect," Bolton said "You'll love Chapter 14."
But you can't read Chapter 14. Chapter 14 is "classified." Chapter 14 is a victim of the "censorship." Chapter 14 is John Bolton's nipple, and you can't see it right now.
:(
Senator From 'Deliverance' Talking About 'Honky Tonk Woman' And Brain Damage, We Are So Confused
Or maybe HE is confuse.
Senator John Neely Kennedy, the thing what went to Oxford but who seems to want you to think he was raised by a brusque yet kind redneck alligator in the Louisiana bayou, went on the Sunday TV shows yesterday. And he said ...
Well, we're not quite sure what he said.
The question on "Face The Nation" was about whether it is appropriate for Donald Trump to turn the Justice Department into a vehicle for avenging his grievances, and specifically whether Trump should have tweet-whined about how unfair Roger Stone's recommended sentence was, immediately after which Attorney General Bill Barr very conveniently followed Trump's orders and issued a new sentence recommendation.
And Kennedy said:
Rand Paul Thinks YouTube Has Some Obligation To Torture Its Users With Clips Of Him Speaking
That's cruel and unusual punishment!
Rand Paul, the second-worst senator from Kentucky, is very upset that YouTube recently pulled a clip of him being a jerk on the Senate floor. Paul insists that YouTube's decision was "dangerous and politically biased," but it's his own actions during Donald Trump's sham impeachment trial that more accurately fit that description.
In the clip YouTube removed, Paul pitched a fit and demanded Chief Justice John Roberts explain why he'd blocked one of the senator's questions. It's believed Paul's question contained the name of the Ukrainian whistleblower. Considering Roberts read aloud Elizabeth Warren's shade bomb that mentioned him directly, the substance of Paul's "question" must've been especially out of bounds.
Marie Yovanovitch Will Stick Her Sensible Wedge Pump Right Up Mike Pompeo's Craven A**
But diplomatically!
BREAKING: Mike Pompeo is a rancid garbage person! Must credit Wonkette!
Just kidding. But the news cycle has once again forced the secretary of State into comparison with former Ukrainian ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and the juxtaposition only highlights what a craven, self-serving little pissant we have at the helm of our nation's foreign policy apparatus.
Here's Ambassador Yovanovitch receiving the Trainor Award for distinguished diplomatic service yesterday at Georgetown University.
Reflecting on the past year, she joked about Trump's PERFECT PERFECT PHONE CALL with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, saying,"When you go through some things, to fall back on cliches, you have to dig deep."
Keep Talking, John Kelly. You're Not Done Atoning.
At least he's speaking up. Specifically, he's speaking up for Alex Vindman. So that's good, we guess.
We've officially reached the break-glass-moment of Donald Trump's slide into autocracy, so it's interesting to see who actually decides to speak up, especially among those who used to serve in Trump's administration.
John Bolton decided during the impeachment trial that he didn't really want to talk to Congress, at least not that much, so he flipped off the House and offered his services to a Republican Senate that didn't want him. That way he could just put it all in his book, but UH OH, John Bolton, Trump is blocking your book and he's telling people he wants you criminally investigated! You hate to see it. (And we mean that. As much as we believe Bolton should take a mustache ride to hell, when we have reached the point in a criminal presidency where Trump is musing about maybe criminally prosecuting JOHN FUCKING BOLTON, his former national security advisor, then it's a pull-the-fire-alarm moment, as we have been saying all week.)
Former White House chief of staff John Kelly has said a few things the past couple years. When the Bolton book excerpts started leaking during the impeachment trial, in which Bolton confirmed every bit of Trump's Ukraine crime scheme but couldn't seem to find a microphone to walk up to say that out loud, John Kelly said he believes Bolton and that trials should have witnesses. Bold statements, if you're chickenshit. Also, it got leaked through the grapevine before Kelly was fired that he, like Rex Tillerson and H.R. McMaster, thought Trump was a total fucking idiot.
But Kelly has some things to say now! Some might say he's unleashed! And if it somehow helps counter Trump's unhinged belly-flop into authoritarianism, then fine, we'll highlight it.
Trump's Reichstag Fire Is Here, And It's Going To Burn For The Next Nine Months
We're there, y'all.
Yesterday in the Oval Office, the alleged president again congratulated Bill Barr's Justice Department for intervening in the Roger Stone sentencing on his behalf, because the baby thinks it's unfaaaaaaaaaair. He also, as usual, said meaningless words about FISA warrants (that had nothing to do with Roger Stone) and whined about someone only receiving two months for leaking "highly classified information," even though his dumb ass leaked "highly classified information" to the Russians, our adversaries, the day after he fired James Comey, in that very same Oval Office. Oh, and of course he played cute with whether or not he's planning on pardoning Stone.
In other words, typical day in the hellscape that is now America.
The Trump White House swears, at least on record, that he's not retaliating and unleashing a campaign of revenge on all those he perceives to have slighted him, of course he's not doing that, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. National Security Advisor Robert O'Brien huffed at a think tank event Tuesday that Trump's retaliatory firings of Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman and his brother Yevgeny Vindman were totally normal, nothing to see here, they were "absolutely" not retaliated against, and also those guys were bad. O'Brien insisted, "We're not a country where a bunch of lieutenant colonels can get together and decide what the policy is of the United States," and added that "we are not a banana republic," to which we reply OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR: Assumes facts not in evidence. We live in Donald Trump's fuckshow vision of America now. It's looking more and more like a banana republic every day.
Meanwhile, White House comms idiot Keegan Gaygley Booger Whimsybottom Hogan Gidley told Fox News on Wednesday that it was just "ludicrous" to suggest Trump pressed Bill Barr to piss on the Justice Department and cause the resignations of four respected career prosecutors, by intervening to get Roger Stone's sentence reduced to a slap on the wrist, a pony ride and a free blowjob, HOW DARE YOU EVEN. Gidley said, of course, that Trump "has the right" to interfere with the Justice Department, because of how he is an unaccountable king, we guess, but he "just didn't" do that.
In other words, the gaslighting is in full effect.
But the truth is that of course Donald Trump is retaliating, and of course he's turned the Justice Department into a lawless organ for airing his grievances. He's firing everybody who ever went against him by refusing to commit crimes for him, and he's taking his revenge, because he's fucking unleashed. In the seemingly neuron-free zone that is Donald Trump's brain, he has really and truly been "acquitted" of all wrongdoing, or at least he now fully understands that as long as the Senate is controlled by Republicans, he really can do anything he wants. He literally says he won in the Senate on impeachment 52 to nothing. In the House he thinks he won 197 to nothing. In his mind, the Democrats are illegitimate and do not exist.
PULL THE F*CKING FIRE ALARM
A jolly roundup of all the OTHER tyrant shit Donald Trump has pulled in the past 48 hours!
You don't want to visit the Twitter feed of El Shithead Tyrant Tiny Hands Big Face McGee right now. It actually might make you sick to your stomach if you love this country. Here's all you need to know, from a man who thinks he's king, and by his tweeting frequency has always shown us that he works approximately the same hours as a king, by which we mean "not many":
Wow. Please tell us more, Bill Barr, about how your Department of Protecting A Criminal President At All Costs is totally acting independently! It is a good lie-story, for telling children!
By now, unless you've solely been paying attention to the New Hampshire primary, you know that yesterday was a very bad day for America and for the rule of law and for our status as a free country. After career prosecutors recommended a seven-to-nine year sentence for Roger Stone, Trump's political guru with the head that's shaped so wrong it's hard to look at it, Attorney General Bill Barr intervened like the low rent Big Lots rest stop Roy Cohn he is, decided that sentence was too long, and embarrassed the entire justice system by having his new low-rent (acting) US attorney for DC file a supplement that said actually Roger Stone should go to jail for a lot less time. After all, Stone is a Trump crony, therefore the laws shouldn't apply to him.
This led all four career prosecutors on the Stone case to say fuck off, I am out of here. ALL FOUR. We hasten to point out that that is not a thing that happens, and if it happens, it means people are pulling the fucking fire alarm. Indeed, after only the second prosecutor pulled out, former US attorney Joyce Vance called it a "4-alarm fire."
But amazingly that's not all the tyrant shit Trump and the men he's appointed to lick his dick pulled yesterday. Consider these stories that all broke in the space of about 24 hours:
Newsletter
©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc