In Shocking Turn, Alabama Republicans Vote For The Lunatic Bigot

This is a real thing.

This is unbelievable. A loony man with no regard for the law who thinks gays should be banned from the earth and thinks Jesus wrote the song "Jesus Loves The Little Children," which includes racist lyrics, therefore it is OK for him to say racisms, has won the run-off election for the GOP nomination for the Senate seat currently held by Luther Strange. No, seriously, this is historic. Alabama voters chose the fucking bigot. They chose the guy who has been kicked off the Alabama Supreme Court TWICE, once because he wouldn't stop putting the Ten Fucking Commandments on Alabama state property, and once because he was pretty goddang sure the Supreme Court ruling on marriage equality didn't apply to Alabama, due to how it wasn't signed by the Almighty His-self.

Roy Moore thinks 9/11 was God's punishment for aggravated buttsexing. He believes Rep. Keith Ellison shouldn't have been seated in Congress because he's a Muslim. He thinks Illinois and Indiana are hotbeds of sharia law. He is a B-I-G-O-T.

This is one small step for bigots, but one giant step for bigot-kind, yadda yadda.

Anyway. Steve Bannon loves him, because Steve Bannon, the guy from Goldman Sachs, is a salt-of-the-earth guy just like the Alabammy morons who voted for Moore. "They think you're nothing but rubes," Bannon told the gathered rubes at a Rubes For Roy rally just before the election. Note he did not say, "they think we're a bunch of rubes," because Steve Bannon doesn't actually identify with the vaguely sentient pig turds who came out to hoot and holler for Old Roy Moore.

Just after that, Moore pulled out what seemed to be a pistol from the Barbie doll collection of pistols and waved it around, just to show Alabama he was VERY SERIOUS about the Second Amendment.

The only funny thing about this is that the Jeff Sessions cousin-wives and squirrel-romance experts who make up the Alabama GOP base delivered unto Donald Trump a mighty "Fuck off, big city elite man!" with this vote. Trump, of course, had backed incumbent Senator Strange, a man he cleverly calls "Big Luther," because of how, at six-foot-nine, Big Luther is Strangely YOOOOGE.

Trump, being the pathetic loser he is, has already started pretending he was for Moore all along. He conceded in his crazy "NFL PLAYERS ARE BLACK SONS OF BITCHES AYIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" rally that he might have made a mistake in getting behind Strange, and now he's just deleted a bunch of his pro-Strange tweets and replaced them with congratulations for God's chosen lunatic.

So what does this all mean? Well for one, it's also a fuck you to Mitch McConnell and the rest of the Republican 'stablishment, and it gives a green light to raving batshit assholes from sea to shining sea to primary vaguely "normal" Republicans. (Tennessee GOP Senator Bob Corker announcing his retirement is also helpful on that front, for certifiably insane Republican base voters.)

Will Moore be elected in December? Democratic candidate Doug Jones said Tuesday night he thinks he's going to win, but this is Alabama, so, ya know. On the other hand if Democrats are spoiling for a fight, AND THEY SHOULD BE, then they should turn this into a real race. DONATE HERE! Local Alabammy news does note that in 2012, when Moore ran for the state supreme court against Democrat Bob Vance, he only ended up with 51% of the vote. If Dems can nationalize this race and show everybody JUST HOW FUCKING CRAZY Roy Moore is, then there might be a shot! Hell, it's not like Trump and the GOP can run this race touting their "accomplishments" or anything.

But even if (when) Moore pulls out his eventual victory (FOR RACISM JESUS), his presence in the Senate could end up being a very good thing (for Democrats). Let Republican commentator Ed Rogers, who is from Alabama and who is very sad today, explain why:

To liberals, having Moore in the Senate will be the gift that keeps on giving. He will be the mainstream media’s favorite Republican senator. They will count on Moore to embody every negative stereotype that a conservative from Alabama and an elected Republican can have. And based on what we know about Moore, he is unlikely to disappoint. Liberals couldn’t be happier.

Awwwww, sad trombone!

So look on the bright side, liberals! Either our guy will pull out an unexpected upset in December, or Roy Moore will help contribute to the bloodbath the Dems are going to inflict in the 2018 midterms, just by being the fuckwitted batshit bag of dicks from hell Jesus created him to be.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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