Indiana Primary Sexxxing Up Democracy Right Now, For America
DOES THE CORN GET TO VOTE?
OH HEY INDIANA, LOOK AT YOUR HANDSOME ASSES RIGHT NOW! You are doing #Democracy, by voting in your presidential primary! You better go fast though, because polls close at 6 PM local time, which for most of the state is in the Eastern Time Zone. If you are near Chicago, though, you have an extra hour, so go ahead and stop by the big sale at Big Lots on your way to the polls if you want, we don't care.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601337/donald-trump-ted-cruzs-dry-drunk-dad-murdered-jfk-but-maybe"></a>[/wonkbar]So, what's going to happen tonight? Will Ted Cruz lose everything because his dry drunk dad allegedly murdered JFK, and also Ted Cruz called the thing you throw a basketball in a "basketball ring," which made all the Hoosiers like LOLOLOL GO BACK TO CANADA, DUM-DUM? If he does lose, science math says that will probably be the end of the #NeverTrump movement. But maybe Donald Trump will lose and we can keep having the Republican primary for the rest of our natural human lives!
For some hard-hitting predictions of what will happen for the GOP in Indiana, please refer to this Politico article which is about how nobody effing knows what's going to happen. Or this one, from your gay boyfriend Nate Silver, which says there are THREE possible outcomes. SPOILER: John Kasich winning is not one of them.
As for the Dems, Nate Silver says it's Hillary, so get ready to fight about that in the comments in whatever way you like.
Yr Dok Zoom will be around to update with results when we know them, RIGHT IN THIS VERY OPEN THREAD, so sit a spell, serve yourself a plate of Indiana's state food, which is Indiana Does Not Have A State Food, and watch the results with Wonkette!
Update 8:10 EDT The Associated Press has called Indiana for Donald Trump; still waiting for Ted Cruz to speak from the Grassy Knoll.
Update 8:40 EDT Ted Cruz drops out of race to spend more time being hated by his own family.
Update 9:26 EDT And in a STUNNING upset, Bernie Sanders pulls it out and wins the primary.
Hey Nate Silver, know how we called you our gay polling boyfriend or whatever we said? NOT NO MORE, for being so wrong about Indiana! Maybe we will take you back if you are right next time, but until then consider us #OnABreak!