Insurrectionist Jenna Ryan Pretty Sure Prison Is A Day Spa

White Nonsense

Life-coach-slash-real-estate-agent-turned-insurrectionist Jenna Ryan from Texas was sentenced to 60 days in prison for storming the Capitol on January 6. Ryan assumed she was too blonde and white do to time, and she even wrote those words and tweeted them. Now that federal prosecutors have proven her somewhat wrong, she's ready to face the music, which, based on how she describes her upcoming sentence, might be some smooth jazz as she unwinds after a busy year.

Ryan shared an odd TikTok video labeled “I'm going to prison," in which she can't stop playing with her hair or making duck faces. I gotta know: How screwed up was someone's life who paid her to “coach" them?

She says:

It was a reply to a tweet. I said I'm not going to prison, but I was talking to a hater. And unfortunately, the DOJ saw it and they said, “No, you are going to prison."

It was a little more complicated than that. She neglects to mention that she was actually sentenced to prison for committing crime. After her sentencing last week, Ryan expressed no remorse, blamed the media for her fate, and said “everyone should be able to tweet without being persecuted and treated like crap." The Department of Justice doesn't actually monitor random people's tweets. You can say you're not going to prison, and the DOJ won't respond, “Nuh-uh, you so are." If you're white, you should feel free to try it. You'll be fine.


Ryan goes on to say:

I, Jenna Ryan, am going to prison. It's happening. I'm going to prison. And so what do you [do]? What can I do? I have two months before I go to prison. I'm going to prison in two months. And I go for 60 days. And I don't know what you do in prison. I guess you do a lot of yoga. You work out. Read a book. Write a book.

She's obviously never seen The Shawshank Redemption or Kiss of the Spider Woman. Prison sucks. I'm not sure she's got her mind right (that's from Cool Hand Luke).

Ryan claims she already has a book ready and a literary agent. Someone should remind her that both Texas and the federal government have what's known as “Son of Sam Laws," meaning that dirtbags can't profit from their crimes. From the Texas Tribune: “If a criminal writes a book, makes a movie or TV show, or uses [their] name to make money, the third party doing business with the prisoner must pay all the profits to the state."

Maybe [the book] might be a movie some day of how I got entangled in this political fiasco of epic proportions and accused of being a complete and utter piece of poop.

Ryan chose to fly on some rich douchebag's private jet to Washington DC for the “Stop the Steal" rally, and then she chose to breach the Capitol when the event turned violent. Maybe there's something dramatic here for Reese Witherspoon, but please, Ms. Witherspoon, don't make this pathetic woman famous.

It is true. I'm going to prison. Prison, yeah. I think I'm gonna do a lot of yoga in prison. It's federal prison so it's not going to be like the penitentiary. It's not gonna be like “drop a bar of soap."

Uh, sure.

PBS

When Ryan starts her prison term, she'll likely have a cellmate who will definitely not have time for her shit. She'll get up each morning between 5:00 and 6:00 a.m. She'll likely have just 30 minutes to eat breakfast. She'll do real work all day, not that life coach BS.

Maybe she'll fit in some yoga before lights out but she'll probably just be exhausted. This is no joke, even if she is.

UPDATE: Ryan is now begging for money on the Christian crowdfunding site GiveSendGo. You should not contribute, even if just to tell her to "fuck off" and "to help you move out of Texas, you're an embarrassment." Wonkette remains a better source for your disposable income.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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