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Introducing Marcus Bachmann, Your Totally Straight Potential FLOTUS

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Welcome to the Parallel Universe Edition of The FLOTUS Files! Ever since our Michelle returned from Africa, she has been boring everyone with her fundraising parties and speeches about The Troops. The fat kids have proven to be more hopeless than expected, or something. So while we’re still in this FLOTUS lull/post-4th of July fireworks-induced stupor, let’s take a moment to consider something terrifying – a future without vegetable gardens and dance workouts. In this future, public schools are shut down for producing gay children, and American history ceases to exist. This is the world of potential FLOTUS Marcus Bachmann, the man behind the Crazy.


Maybe you have mistaken this person for her bodyguard, because of his tendency to block Michele Bachmann from “unflattering” photos and nearby human beings. But no, he is her husband. What is that like, we wonder?

Others who know the couple say Marcus Bachmann is a mild-mannered foil to his wife’s brand of red-meat conservatism. Discussing her parenting strategy, she has compared herself to the drill sergeant and her husband to the good cop.

“Marcus has a very relaxed and calm demeanor that serves as a wonderful counterbalance to Michele’s impulsive and compulsive personality,” said Ron Carey, Bachmann’s former chief of staff, who now supports Tim Pawlenty for president.

Oh! And also, absolutely everyone thinks he is gay. He runs some sort of mental health practice, because this is an easy thing to do, in Minnesota.

Already, his clinic has come under fire for taking Medicaid payments, but there are more questions surrounding the Christian-centric therapy. Among them are Bachmann’s credentials: He is not registered with any of the three boards that certify mental health practitioners and professions in the state. The Minnesota Board of Psychology and the Board of Marriage and Family Therapy confirmed to POLITICO that Bachmann is not licensed with them. And a search of the Board of Behavioral Health and Therapy license database returns no result.

Trisha Stark, of the Minnesota Psychological Association, said that the title “clinical therapist” is not widely used in professional circles and that Bachmann is able to operate his clinic because of state rules regarding mental health practice.

“Minnesota is one of the only states in which you can practice mental health without a license,” Stark said.

Obviously getting a license would be too much of a hassle when there is gayness to cure! Marcus Bachmann is very serious about that, and also about people staying away from his wife.

For now, though, he’s still playing the role of the protector, like when he wrapped up his take on having a successful marriage in Rock Hill with a warning to the 600 people who’d just been invited by the host to meet the candidate in front of her campaign bus after the event.

“The invitation to come out to the bus was just fine with me,” Marcus Bachmann said. “As long as you don’t touch her.”

If you touch her, she will melt, or turn to stone or whatever. Let’s hope this version of The FLOTUS Files never occurs again, ever. [Politico]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) blogs and obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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I'd mentioned this week that there's definitely probably a tape out there of Donald Trump referring to a black person as a "nigger," because Trump is a racist and that's sort of what they do. Sarah Huckabee Sanders won't even affirmatively deny such a tape exists, and she's from the "two plus two equals five" school of communications management. I also speculated that once the tape was released, Republican supporters of the president would flock to defend his vile words: "Hey, if you rearrange the letters in "nigger," you get "ginger" and who doesn't like redheads and the occasional Dark 'n' Stormy?"

The shameful display has already started and the supposed recording isn't even available for pre-order on iTunes. George State Senator Michael Williams stated in appearance on CNN's "New Day Saturday" that if Trump -- who's the president, by the way -- did say "nigger," it would certainly concern him as an "individual" but "not necessarily as a person that is running our country." So, uh, what the hell is that? This has been a standard argument from Republicans ever since Trump crawled his way out of the sewers of birtherism and onto a major political stage: "We think Trump is a terrible human being -- seriously, we have to shower immediately after meeting with him -- but we still think he's a suitable steward of the most powerful nation on the planet."

Normally, you'd think this would work the other way. You know, your brother-in-law is a nice enough guy. Your sister certainly could've done worse. You don't mind the slightly rambling sports-ball discussions with him at family gatherings. He's good for looking after the kids (as long as your sister is present or reachable by cell), but you'd never invest your hard-earned money into whatever half-assed business venture he's trying to get off the ground nor would you back his run for any serious political office.

I've long had issues with the "brilliant asshole" archetype in TV and movies. It's almost always a white male (because women and minorities must be perfect) whose emotional immaturity and overall jerkass behavior we're told to overlook because they're so goshdarned awesome. Do you want some PC "cuck" or do you want Dr. House to figure out that the MS symptoms you're suffering are really just because you ate a stale doughnut? Sherlock Holmes doesn't have time for your feelings or social niceties -- not while he's solving mysteries and being dreamy.

Trump, however, isn't "brilliant." He's just a guy who says "nigger." They're hardly a scarcity in the market. You don't even have to venture out to a klan rally to find one. You can order online -- same day social media delivery.

Williams argues that Trump didn't use the word "nigger" when he was in the "office of the president." It was just some youthful indiscretion when he was almost 60. I don't even know where he's going with this. Does he think Trump has changed? He routinely insults and belittles black people. He also calls black NFL players who peacefully protest "sons of bitches." Was that his way of weaning off calling us "niggers"? Has he been wearing a "nigger" patch on his arm to control his cravings for the racial epithet?

"He used the word in his personal life," Williams said. (It was actually in a workplace context -- SER) "Now if he were president and were to go on TV and use the n-word, I'd have a major problem with that."

media.giphy.com

It's heartening repulsive to see that Williams draws the line at Trump holding an official "nigger" press conference. I think once we reach that point, Trump will probably also reveal that his buddies on the Supreme Court discovered a typo in the Thirteenth Amendment and black folks' work-life balance will start to really suffer.

"I will always say using the n-word is wrong, and it's bad, and should never be accepted in our society. But just because (Trump) might have done it years ago, not as our president, doesn't mean we need to continue to berate him because he used it," GOP state Sen. Michael Williams, who is white, told CNN's Victor Blackwell on "New Day Saturday."

Blackwell, who is black, had to sit there and listen to this crap from a white elected official who is just 45 years old. You know, the word "nigger" doesn't even appear in the Dred Scott decision, for example, but that's not necessary for reasonable people to understand that it was racist as hell. We all know Trump is racist, but now Republicans can't even repudiate the worst demonstrations of his racial animus. The first black president hasn't even been out of office for two full years and already "nigger" is being redefined. What would once end a campaign in its tracks when Blackwell and I were growing up is now just an "oops, my bad."

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Conservatives want to be oppressed. Or, rather, for everyone to think they are being oppressed and to then give them what they see as the impunity and moral upper hand that comes along with being an oppressed group of people. They want it very, very badly and think it is very unfair that all the people they have oppressed have this privilege and they do not. This morning, Trump took to Twitter to vow to protect them from the worst kind of oppression of all -- imaginary social media censorship!

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